Angels and Demons
by juliette01
Summary: 'There is darkness around me and within me and I have no other choice than to succumb to it, to accept it. I have no way of getting out, I have no beacon of light to lead my way. I am alive but I am dead inside. All I want is a small light, or a visible path. All I need is an Angel.' Read if you want to find out more. Rated T just to be safe, for language and violence references.
1. Faceless

_I practically dreamt this and I just couldn't help myself. Well, enjoy it._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing cause if I have had we would have seen many Razaya kisses. I also don't own 'Faceless' by Red._

* * *

I feel a slight pain in my right shoulder. I know that I've just bumped into someone. Or someone has just bumped into me.

"Watch your steps, freak!"

The 'freak' being myself, along with a lot more nicknames like 'nerd', 'weirdo', 'ditzo' and a lot mean ones. The only ones who use my name are the teachers. Sigh. Yes, I am one of those bullied kids who just want to live their lives and be left alone by the brats who don't care about the effect of their words and actions. Anyway, that is one good example for anytime when someone 'accidentally' bumps into me. I run one of my hands through my short locks of red hair and blow out another sigh.

I am not exactly liked in my high school. I have a heck of a position, they all hate me without even knowing me. Not that I care too much. I just try not to pay to them any attention. I want just to get over this. Sigh. I want this to end soon. "I'm sorry." I mumble between gritted teeth and lower my head even more. I really want to be invisible. Or at least not regarded as an extraterrestrial. I am not known for my social skills and I also made no attempt to socialise with them. They hate me, I hate them. That simple. But I know that life isn't just this simple and that I should probably try to have at least one friend. But enough with my babbling. It's not that important. I decide to do what I usually do on the hallways of the school or in my way to school and back home. Listen to music. I put my earphones on and the first song from my playlist starts playing. I try not to hum the lyrics and continue to walk. In a corner, I spot Zox and the other members from the Red Gang. Allow me to explain to you why and how I came to be hated and everything. Around three years ago I moved in this city with my devil of an uncle. My biological parents died when I was little and my uncle adopted me. After my first day in this high school, that happened to be the first day of school, Zox and his gang asked me to be one of them. I refused and he sweared to make me regret my actions and words. I didn't exactly use friendly words. Anyway, this is how everything started. I am also considered an 'emo boy' just because I like to wear only black, red and grey. Like today. I am wearing a black t-shirt with a grey skull on it, a red jacket over it, black jeans and black boots.

'I' bump into someone again, and that someone makes me drop everything I have been carrying. I growl as one of my earphones falls, allowing me to hear him saying:

"Be more careful, you freak!"

I growl again and start grabbing my things. I hate them so much! And this is just the beginning of the second week of school. Isn't it great?! I am officially in the junior grade, not that this counts too much as even the younger students adopted that behaviour with me. I clutch my things to my chest and continue to walk to my first class from today. Chemistry. I put the fallen earphone back, ignoring the ones around me.

After a few minutes, as the song is changed again, I close my eyes at the beginning of it. But a second later I find myself bumping into someone. It's for the third time today! I open my eyes as all my things fall on the floor. Again! Another one of my earphones falls, making me hear the voices of the other students.

"I am sorry." I hear, causing me to look at the person in question. I have never seen him before so I suppose he is new. He has almost black eyes, his skin is darker that mine and his hair is black and a little long. He is dressed into a blue checkered shirt, black jeans and black boots. "Here, let me help you."

I growl and bend down, taking my stuff without his help. He will be like them soon enough so there is no need to socialise with him.

"My name is Saint Walker. And yours?"

I grab all my things and look back at him. He is smiling at me. He is way too happy and, from what it seems, hopeful that we 'are going' to be friends.

"About to kick that smug rear of yours!" I mumble.

"That's not a pleasant name. No-..." I don't hear him anymore as I put my earphone back on. His expression is still happy despite the fact that I chose to ignore him. I walk past him and sigh. After I go through a door and get to the first floor, I bump into someone again, and this time all our things fall on the floor. Damn it! What's wrong with me today? I take my earphones down and look at the person in front of me. It's... a girl? She has piercing blue eyes, silvery blonde, shoulder-length hair and pale skin. She is... gorgeous! She is wearing a white dress, a green jacket over it and green boots. She gives me a shy smile.

"I apologize." She says and flutters her eyelashes. As she spoke, I noticed her sing-sang voice. She is even makeup! Black mascara and light green lip gloss. I have never seen her before so I suppose that she is another new student, like that guy... Something Walker.

"I am sorry too." I mumble, knowing that in a week or so she is going to hate me without even knowing me. Wait, what?! Why do I care? She tries to kneel down in order to grab her things but I stop her. "It's alright. I've got them." I say and kneel down. I grab what she was holding. One of her notebooks is open at the first page and I can read her name. "Your name is Aya?" I ask her and look up at her. She nods.

"Yes. What is your name?"

I can't help but give her a small smile. "Razer." I say and place a Chemistry book over a notebook. I notice that she had been carrying two books and three notebooks, along with a pen in one of the notebooks.

"Nice to meet you, Razer." She says and kneels down. I hand her her things. "Thank you." She replies and her smile grows. "You are very nice." I can feel my cheeks burning. "There is a big probability that much boys would have just taken their belongings and left without helping."

I shrug as she places her things next to her feet.

"Here. Allow me to help you too."

"Your help is not necessary." I mutter.

"You helped me and, in turn, I help you. Is there a problem?"

I sigh. "I think not." I mumble. She does help me. She then takes her books and notebooks and clutches them at her chest.

"I apologize." She repeats.

"What for?" I ask and get up. It is now when I notice that everybody is ignoring us.

"For bumping into you. I think I got lost and I was trying to find the classroom in which I will have my first class."

"You are new?"

She nods.

"I know every corner of this building. I suppose I can show you where the classroom is, if you don't mind, of course."

"I would really appreciate this." She says.

I nod. "What do you have first?"

"Chemistry."

My eyes grow wide. "Hall 14 C?"

She nods. "Affirmative."

"With Sayd?"

"Yes. May I inquire on why you are asking all these questions?"

"Because that's my first class too. I think that we are going to be classmates."

I see something flash within her eyes.

I hear the bell that announces us about the beginning of our classes. "We are going to be late if we don't hurry up. Sayd is a nice person but she doesn't like it when someone is late at her class."

"Then we should proceed."

I nod. "Second floor, hall 14 C."

* * *

I step into the hall 14 C with Aya behind me. There are a few classmates already here. All the heads turn towards us but seeing me, their eyes fix on Aya. I try not to growl at the boy's fixed eyes on Aya. I go to my usual seat, being the first one from the window. No one ever stays with me. I take a seat and place my schoolbag on the chair next to me. Aya stops next to that chair and looks at me strangely.

"What?" I growl.

"May I take a sit?"

I look at her incredulously. "You want to stay with me?!"

"Yes. Why would I not?"

"Because... no one ever stays with me."

"Well, I will."

I nod and take my schoolbag, placing it under the table.

"Thank you." She says and sits down. I put my earphones back on and pull my Chemistry notebook out of my schoolbag. I open the notebook at the last page and start writing down, for the possible millionth time, the lyrics from the song. I start tapping my foot along with the melody, probably startling Aya. I sigh and close my eyes, trying to get myself away from this world. I sigh again and finally open my eyes as the song comes to an end. I look at Aya who seems focused on talking to that boy from earlier. He is in the same class as I am? Damn it! I put pause on my MP3Player without anyone noticing so I am able to listen to their conversation.

Aya giggles and tucks a few rebelious stray bangs behind her ear. "I will be looking forward to the dinner." She says. What the hell did I miss?!

"Don't forget about what I told you, Aya. It is very important."

"I will not." She says.

What the hell?! They are dating?! Why do I feel this way? Why am I jealous? Clear your thoughts, Razer! Think about her, think about her! 'Her' is my former lover. Her name is... was Ilana. She died two years ago. It was summer holiday and my uncle had some business into my old city so we returned there for a few weeks. After dropping me to my old house, my uncle left. He came two days after and I asked him as politely as I could to drive me to Ilana's house. He grinned and accepted. I tried to call her but she did not answer. Neither her parents did. When I got there, I found her laying on the floor in her room, dead. She had been shot twice in her heart. It appeared that her parents left that morning and someone broke into the house and killed her. The police found no one.

"I will talk to you after this class." Aya continues. He nods and leaves in order to find a empty table. I take my earphones down and sigh.

"He is in the same class as we are?" I ask her.

Aya looks at me. "Who? Saint Walker?" I nods so she continues. "Yes."

"Then why did you choose to stay with me instead of staying with your boyfriend?" I ask and cross my arms over my chest.

"That is illogical. Saint is not my boyfriend."

"You were talking about a dinner." I say and she probably realizes that I was eaverdropping.

"Affirmative. Saint is not my boyfriend." She repeats. "He is my brother."

My eyes grow wide and I am sure that my heart has just skipped a beat. "Brother?"

"Well, we are not blood related. He was given to adoption when he was little due to the fact that his parents died. My parents adopted him years ago because they were unable to have another child."

"How so?" I ask, now both confused and curious. Weird, but she is the only student with whom I talked so much.

"While I was born, some complications appeared. My mother decided to sacrifice herself for me if needed. Luckily, it was not needed but the doctors gave her the news about her inability of having another child. She was pained but she was also grateful that she had managed to give me birth. I gave them the suggestion of adopting a child and Saint Walker... they were unable not to like him." She finishes with a sigh.

"He was... very lucky." I mutter and Aya nods. I really meant it. Not too many kids are this lucky, to be adopted by a family who really loves and cares about them. I am part of the less lucky ones. Damn it, of course I am not that lucky! I don't know the reason why, but I feel like I am interested in Aya; in her life and everything.

I sigh and return my attention back to my notebook only to be distracted when someone opens the door. I look to the door and see Ghiata. She is the only impartial student from this high school, meaning that she has never behaved with me like the others. We have been barely talking to each other but she seems a nice person. She is wearing a violet dress, a pink jacket over it, and violet ankle-lenght boots. Her hair is brown and her eyes have a pleasant green-blue hue. I recall that she is a Star Sapphire; they are a dance group formed only from women, pink, violet and everything girly, you got the idea. Her aunt, Aga'po, is both the dance instructor and the doctor from the high school. I really do not know how she has enough time for both of these. Have I already mentioned that Ghiata is a matchmaker? She likes to 'find' love between two persons and when she does find it, she is unstoppable in her 'mission' of making them get together.

"Hello, Aya." She says and stops in front of Aya.

"Hello. Do you request something?"

"Yeah. I talked to my aunt. Announce your mother than she will start Monday."

"I will, thank you."

"It was nothing." She says and walks further.

"What was that about?" I ask.

"My mother managed to find a job as an assistant for the dance instructor of the Star Sapphires."

"Oh." I mumble.

* * *

I am walking through the hallways, heading towards my next class, Physical Education. With other words, I have to go out. I sigh and delve my hands into my pockets. All I want is that this day will end sooner. I open the door and get out. A few of my classmates are already outside. I walk in their direction but I only go to a tree. I feel a slight pain in my shoulder. Again?! I turn my head and look at the person who has just bumped into me. It's Saint Walker.

"I apologize, Brother."

I growl. "Watch your steps!" I hiss at him.

"I did not mean to..."

"Shut up!" I growl. "Do you have a problem with me?"

He looks at me. "But you, do you have a problem with yourself?"

"I have only one problem but I intend to correct it!" I say and try to punch him. He avoids my fists and smiles. It only makes me more angry and I try to land a hit on him again. He avoids this one too. Damn it! Usually there is no one able to avoid my punches. I throw a fist in his direction again but he grabs my fist. "Let me go!" I growl. He does as I said and starts walking away. "I am not done with you yet!" I hiss at him. I try to hit him from behind but he avoids it and I find myself punching the air. Fuck! "Sit still so I can hit you!" I growl.

"No, Brother. You sit still." He says and manages to place two fingers of the back of my neck, applying some pressure on a nerve. I growl but not from pain. I am used to even worse. I grab his forearm and slam his back against a tree. I grab his training jacket in my left hand and get ready to finally land a punch on hit.

"Stop!" I hear. I clench my teeth as I recognize the voice. Why her? Why now?

I lift my right fist and try to hit Saint Walker but someone grabs my forearm.

"I said stop!"

I look at Aya and growl. "Get away!"

"I will not allow you to hurt him."

"Let go of my arm!"

"Let him go!" She says firmly. I frown.

"Leave me alone!" I snap and try to set my arm free but her grip only tightens. Without even knowing what I am doing, I slowly release Saint Walker from my grip. I try to jerk my arm away but my attempt only brings Aya closer to me. "Let. Me. Go!" I growl at her. Her brow furrows and her lips pinch together, thinned. Her gaze wandered to the tree and she finally releases my arm.

"Next time try a different approach. Talk, do not try to hit." She says and walks away. As she turns around, I let my gaze wander to her rear.

* * *

I sigh as I put everything in my schoolbag. The classes have just finished and it's only me, Aya and Saint Walker in the classroom. We had two hours of math.

Anyway, I tense up when I hear a thunder. My gaze wanders to a window and I can see that it is raining. Damn it! I have no umbrella! I sigh again and put my earphones back on. I put my schoolbag over one of my shoulders and get out of the classroom, followed by Aya and Saint Walker. I sigh once again and delve my hands into the pockets from my jacket.

As I walk through the hallways, I think only about what will meet me home if he is there. 'He' is my uncle, Atros. He left a few days ago as he usually does and when he comes back 'home' and if I do something he finds unfit, he beats me. I am used to it but I just can't stand it anymore.

Lost in my thoughts, I open the door and try to get out but someone grabbing my shoulder makes me stop. I look behind me only to find Aya next to me. I take one of my earphones down.

"Why did you stop me?" I ask her and raise an eyebrow.

"It is raining."

"I know, I heard."

"Look outside." She says. I sigh and do as she said. It is now when I notice how hard it is raining.

"Fuck!" I growl. Aya's grip on my shoulder tightens for a split second before she takes her hand away.

"You cannot walk through this rain." Saint Walker says.

Yes, walk. I have a car and driving licence but I prefere to walk. I always choose the longest path to school, away from the others. "I can handle it." I mumble. Yeah, sure. Not even me believes what I have just said. It is like hell out there.

"You will get yourself wet." Aya says.

I feel my cheeks burning at her comment. "I will wait here until the rain stops."

"It does not seem to stop. It will become worse." She mutters.

I sigh. "And?"

"And my father should be here soon. You may come with us if you want to."

"I am fine by myself, thanks." I say and roll my eyes. "Plus, it is not me to decide wheter or not to come with you."

"He will not mind."

"I highly doubt that." I mutter and look at her. She smiles at me.

"I can assure you that he will accept my request."

I sigh. "I just can't win an argument with you, can I?"

"The chances are pretty low." She replies. "So you will come with us?"

"If your father doesn't mind." I mumble.

Her smile grows.

* * *

I sigh and get into the car, on the back seat, next to Saint Walker. Aya was right, her father accepted. He has a dark green car.

"I am Hal Jordan. And you are?"

I look at him. He is smiling at me. "Razer."

"Nice to meet you."

I mumble something similar and put my earphones back on. He starts driving.

"Razer!" I am snapped out my daydream by Aya who has just taken one of my earphones down.

"What?"

"He does not know the location of your house."

"Oh." I start giving him indications.

* * *

"Thank you." I mumble and get down from the car.

"It was nothing, really." Mr. Jordan says. I take my goodbyes and walk into the house. It is still raining and as I get soaked to my skin. I sigh and run my right hand through my hair. I walk into the living room where the maid is cleaning.

"Hello." She greets me.

I mumble something and try to walk upstairs but the sound of footsteps makes me stop.

"Razer."

I have to stop myself from growling as my uncle comes into my line of sight. "You are here." I mutter.

"You are dissmised." He says to the maid.

"But I still have..."

"You are dissmised." He repeats and clenches his teeth. Something went wrong in his affairs. The main leaves. Atros turns his attention towards me. "How was your day?"

"Like you would care." I reply and cross my arms over my chest. He growls and comes to me, taking hold of one of my forearms and slamming my back against a wall. I stop myself from growling.

"I asked you a question, you will answer!" He growls and his grip on my wrist tightnes. "Well?"

"Like any other day." I answer after a few seconds, knowing that I will have a new bruise on my body.

"Good boy!" He grins and his pupils dilate.

This time I do not stop my growling. "Let me go!"

His fist clenches harder around my wrist. "You have no right to tell me what to do! I saved you from a miserable life, I brought you in my house and I raised you. You should not be inpolite with your savior."

Savior? Really? What the hell? He makes a few steps backwards, forcing me to walk forward. He throws me on the floor and one of his feet makes contact with my stomach. I groan in pain and start coughing. I look at his smirking face with so much hate that I am surprised that he isn't reacting to it.

"Get up!" He orders.

I refuse.

"Get. Up. Now!"

Fuck! I do as he said, stumbling a little.

"Good boy!"

"I am not your pet!" I split out and cough again as a jolt of pain courses through my body. His grin only grows. Son of a bitch! He comes closer to me and punches me hard. I fall on the floor again, but I refuse to give him the satisfaction of knowing how hard it hurts. My lower lips hurts and I feel the unique taste of blood. Damn it! It's not for the first time when he hurts me that hard. I get up stumbling a little and deliver a punch to his face. I do hit him, making him stumble a few steps backward. I hit him again and again, making sure to make him feel a similar pain to mine.

Suddenly he grabs one of my fists and grips hard. I growl as I hear small cracking sounds. Fuck! He releases me. "I don't want to see you again today." He growls. I nod and leave. Yeah, like I want to see him. I go to my room and straight into my bathroom. I look at my own reflection in the mirror. Small beads of blood are falling down my chin from my lower lip. I sigh and look at my own eyes. As alwyas, I see no other emotions excepting hate. My eyes are dark blue, somber, mysterious. I sigh again and lick my lower lip, trying to stop the bleeding. I turn on the water from the sink and wash my face, getting rid of any traces of blood. I turn the water off and look at my reflection again. Small waterdrops are flowing on my cheeks and chin, tracing my tattooes. Yes, I have facial tattooes. Two under each eyes and three on my chin, running down from my lower lip. I let out a low growl and run one of my hands through my hair. I hate him! After the death of my parents, if I could have chosed, I would have gone anywhere but here. This is hell, almost literally.

I sigh and go into my room. I take my jacket and t-shit off and put on a grey t-shit. I sigh again and sit on my bed, putting notebooks and books everywhere. I take my MP3Player and put my earphones on. I start doing my homeworks as the first song starts playing.

After at least one hour I get bored and go to the last page of a notebook. It has no drawings on it so I start my little hobby. As the song changes, I start tapping my fingers on the notebook, in time with the rhythm of the song. I open my mouth and start humming the lyrics. I have been humming them so often that I know them with no problems. As the chorus comes, I close my eyes and continue singing.

"I'm not, I'm not myself

Feel like I'm someone else

Fallen and faceless

So hollow, hollow inside

A part of me is dead

Need you to live again

Can you replace this

I'm hollow, hollow and faceless."

It may seem weird, but this is how I feel. Dead inside. Hollow. Not myself. Faceless. I sigh with bitterness and open my eyes. I stop singing and let out a low growl.

* * *

Beatings. Pain. Fear. Rage. Hate. These are what I have been knowing for years. I am so shattered, so broken that I would never be put back. No one can help me. Not that I want help. They all judge me, but they do not know me. They do not know my pain, not just physical but emotional too. They do not know who I am, nor what I have been through. No one cares. And I have to stop caring. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. I have to stop lamenting. I just need some time.

Sigh. No one knows me, nor my pain, my sufferince, my life. But I wish someone knew. I wish someone cared. I wish someone helped me. I wish I could get rid of this hollow feeling, of everything that has been eating me from inside out. I wished not to be myself, at least for a day. I want to live, to really live. I wish... I wish so many things that I am afraid that I wish too much. Sigh. I just need someone willing to accept me as I am, to help me, to care about me. I know, I know. That's not possible. The only ones who did care are now deads and they are never coming back. I would do anything just to be with them again. Just to hug them one more time and to take goodbye.

I can't get rid of the darkness surrounding me. I can't get rid of my inner demons, I can't be how I want to be. I can't heal nor save myself. I can't put back the shattered pieces of my broken soul.

There is darkness everywhere. There is darkness around me and within me and I have no other choice than to succumb to it, to accept it. I have no way of getting out, I have no beacon of light to lead my way. I am alive but I am dead inside. Sigh. All I want is a small light, a sign, or a visible path. All I need is an Angel.

* * *

 _I cannot believe how depressing I made this! But I hope you like it._

 _Well? Opinions? Advices? Comments and criticisms are welcomed but no flames please. Tell me what you think. Read and review please._


	2. Hide

_Well, enjoy it._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing cause if I have had we would have seen many Razaya kisses. I also do not own 'Hide' by Red.  
_

* * *

I sigh and open my eyes. A new day. A new horrible day. The same regrets. The same pain. The same fate. My fate. I sigh again and sit up. I run one of my hands through my hair in an attempt to fix it. I look at the electronic clock from my nightstand and wrinkle my nose. I woke up earlier than I should have. I always do that and I hate it. I never can sleep more after waking up. I blow out another sigh and get up from my bed. The floor creaks under my weight as I go into the bathroom. Cold, cold, cold. I look at my own reflection in the mirror and wrinkly my nose again. My hair is tousled, static-y in every direction. I take my trousers off and throw them on the floor, going into the shower cabin.

I go back into my room with a towel around my middle. I sigh and look through my wardrobe and pull out a grey t-shirt, black jeens and a red checkered shirt. I get dressed and sigh again. I add a pair of wrist-lenght black gloves and run one of my hands through my hair.

I almost run downstairs and into the kitchen with my schoolbag thrown over one of my shoulders. Atros is here, talking at his phone. I make no sound and sneak around unobserved by him.

"What the fuck is so hard for you to understand?!" He almost yells. "You have something simple to do. Traitors must die. Kill him! Otherwise I will kill you!"

I try not to growl and go to the fridge. As Atros notices me he growls.

"Do it or put someone else do it for you. I don't care as long as that fucking traitor is dead!" He growls. "Actually, do not kill him yet. Just make him regret even the day when he was born. I will come there soon."

I sigh and shut the door from the fridge closed. I have had enough! I walk away and manage to reach the door until he stops me.

""Where do you think you're going?"

I roll my eyes. "To school, where else?"

I hear footsteps. "Not if I have something to say about it."

What?! He refuses to allow me to leave? "You will not keep me here! I have to go." I growl and try to walk but him grabbing my right shoulder stops me. I growl and make another attempt at leaving but he slams my back against a wall.

"You will do whatever I say! Do you understand?"

I growl and narrow my eyes. "I will not! Let me go!" I struggle to set myself free but he just wants to let me go.

"Don't make things worse, Razer. You will succeed only to get yourself more hurt."

"What matters another bruise? I already have an entire collection." I answer sarcastically. He growls.

"You are not too different from me, Razer. You just need an impulse."

"I am not like you! I am not a monster! I do not kill people just because I like it!"

His eyes widen slightly.

"I heard you, Atros. What did that person do to you? No one deserves to die."

"He betrayed me. They should know what a traitor is treated like."

"And his family?"

He does not answer. I know that I have hit a nerve.

"Think about this: what if someone did that to me? What would you do? How would you feel?"

"Like I have got rid of a burden." He says and grins.

Wow, it's god to know that he cares so much about me! "Let me go!" I growl.

"Today you're not going to school. You have something important to do."

"What?"

"To find out what I have been doing for years." He answer and his grin grows.

Damn it! I already know that I am not going to like this. "At least let my teachers know that I am not going to be there today."

"You will handle it tomorrow." He replies carelessly and releases me. "And don't you think of running, it will not help." He warns me while cracking his knuckles. I nod in aknowledge and throw my schoolbag on the floor. I go back to the fridge but his sarcastic chuckle makes me stop. "I wouldn't eat anything if I were you."

"What the fuck do you mean?" I ask and turn my head around to look at him.

"If your stomach is weak, you will just get your breakfast out."

I growl and sigh. I will just buy something on my way back.

* * *

I sigh and start tapping my fingers over my knees as the song is changed. I am in Atros' car and he is driving. My earphones are on so I hear nothing. Not that I want to hear him. I just want to get over this soon. I blow out another sigh and close my eyes. But I open them a few seconds later as Atros takes one of my earphones off.

"We are here."

I sigh and look out the window. An abandoned warehouse. He gets down from the car and I follow his example, not before takig my earphones off and placing the MP3Player on my seat. I follow him inside, a little skeptical, suspicious and frightened. I hear booming voices and footsteps. What the fuck is this?

Atros looks at me and grins at my expression. I immediately change it into my usual neutral expression. His grins only grows.

"Veon!"

A blue-eyed man comes to us with an evilish grin. His hair is black and he is dressed in a black t-shirt, a black jacket over it, black pants and black boots. And I thought that I liked black.

"Take Razer to the traitor."

Veon nods and starts walking. I follow him, my heart pulsating madly. What has Atros dragged me into? Veon opens a door and goes through it. I go after him. The room is pretty big, full of old manequines. In the middle of the room there is a chair. A man is chained up there and from what I can see, he is very hurt. Probably he is that 'traitor' Atros told me about. A few more people are in the room with guns in their hands. I tense up as I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"He must die." I hear Atros' voice. I feel a shiver running down my spine. Someone turns the light on. I squint and my eyes adjust. I see that the man is indeed hurt. He has various bruises on his face, neck and arms. He is topless and his chest is full of scars and bruises. His lower lip is bleeding and his nose is probably broken. What the hell has he done so bad?! I hear the sound of a door being open and two people come into the room. Bleez and Zox. They work with Atros?!

Bleez is a black-haired girl. She is older than me with a year. Her eyes are brown but I have always seen them dark, almost black. She is slender and tall and she looks like she works out a lot. Her hair is caught in a ponytail but there are a few stray bangs free on her forehead, obscuring her right eye. She is wearing a black dress with a pretty huge cleavage, a red jacket over it and black boots. Her lips form a malicious smile.

Zox is also older than me. He has black hair, brown eyes and a pretty dark skin. He is taller than Bleez and looks kinda strong. He is wearing a grey t-shirt, a black jacket over it, red pants and black boots. He looks straight at me and grins.

Both him and Bleez come closer to me and stop at either sides of the beaten up man. I look at them and observe that Bleez is makeup with black eye shadow, black mascara and red lipstick. At a more close inspection, I notice that Zox's hair is a little tousled and he has red lipstick on his neck. I let my gaze wander to Bleez and notice that she has a bite mark on her neck. She tried to hide it with the collar of her jacket but half of it is visible. I grin and cross my arms over my chest.

"Having some bonding time, huh?" I tease them. They visibly tense up and Zox tries to hide the lipstick mark. "Calm, calm." I say and my grin grows. I always thought that they are together. Atros chuckles and rests his hand on my left shoulder.

"Razer will be the one killing the traitor."

My eyes widen slightly and my pulse starts racing out of control. I turn my head around and look at Atros. "What has he done?" I ask him and manage to keep my voice calm.

"It appeared that he is a cop."

I roll my eyes. "And?" I always knew that my uncle's affairs are not exactly legal but still. If he wants me to kill a policeman then it is really bad.

"And he pretended to be one of us but it turned out that he was gathering informations about the mafia."

My eyes grow wider. "Mafia?" I would have never thought that. Yes, my uncle is a terrible person but I would have never imagined that what he has been doing is that bad.

"I am the leader of the largest group of terrorists from America. Half of the American mafia is under my command while the other leaders do whatever I say." He continues.

Fuck! He grabs my left wrist and places a gun in my hand. "What...?" I start.

"Kill him. Shoot him straight in the head. Only one bullet through his brain and he will be dead."

I start studying the gun, turning it over and over again. It's not for the first time when I see a gun, nor for the first time when I would use one but I have not yet killed a man. My first 'meeting' with a gun was two years ago, after returning from my native city. After I found her dead.

* * *

(FLASHBACK)

 _My eyes grew wide as I continued to turn the gun in my hands over and over again. I blinked a couple of times before looking at my smirking uncle. "You want me to do what?"_

 _"Learn to shoot." He answered and crossed his arms over his chest. "Lift your hands and pull the trigger. Shoot without caring if you hurt someone."_

 _I looked at him incredulously. "Are you crazy?"_

 _"No. You saw what happened to Ilana. You cannot count only on your punches and kicks. Pull the trigger and shoot."_

 _I looked around me. We were in an abandoned warehouse that had a shooting range._

 _"Do as I say. It may come in handy one day."_

 _I nodded. My hands started shaking as I lifted them up. I took a deep breath and pulled the trigger._

* * *

(END OF FLASHBACK)

I look at the man I have to kill. He raises his head and looks at me staight in the eye. I can see fear within his eyes that are begging me not to shoot him. I can't do this. I can't take his life. I look back at my uncle. His brow furrows.

"You do remember what I taught you, do you not?"

I nod and look back at my future victim, it seems. I sigh and lift my hands up, holding the gun. I clutch the gun and take a deep breath. I fix my eyes on the man's eyes and sigh again. He doesn't deserve to die. I can't kill him. He probably has a family, a wife, a kid. A kid... I can't risck to take someone's father's life. I...

"Do it!"

I shake my head. "I can't. I won't. I refuse."

Atros sighs and growls. "Help him, Bleez."

She comes with a malicious grin and I hear my uncle's footsteps as Bleez stays behind me. She wraps her arms around me and places her hands over mine. She rests her chin on my left shoulder and whispers into my ear: "Never take your eyes off of your target. Just relax and pull the trigger."

I sigh as she clutches my hands.

"And shoot."

I pull the trigger with some help from her and the bullet goes straight into the man's forehead, killing him. Blood starts flowing down his face, making me sick. My stomach drops at the sight. Atros chuckles and Bleez releases me. My uncle pats my back, making me tense up. What the hell have I just done?! I killed someone! I have just murdered someone! He was someone's husband, father, brother! And I killed him. I can feel my eyes welling at the thought. But I refuse to let them fall. I do not want to seem weak in front of them. "Here. I did what you wanted." I say to Atros and look at him. "He is dead." My gaze wanders back to the dead man. No one has yet dared to move him.

"Good boy!" He praises me. I growl and narrow my eyes.

"I am done here." I mutter and turn around, trying to leave.

"Not yet." He says. "I have much to teach you."

My eyes grow wide again. Fuck!

* * *

I sigh and go into my room. This day was indeed horrible, but it was not how I had expected this morning. My uncle has just dropped me home and left again in I do not know where. Not that I care where. I just want to sleep. Or never leave my room. I take my shirt and t-shirt off and throw them on the floor. I sigh and climp into my bed. I take a deep breath and close my eyes but the only thing I see is the man's terrified face. I killed someone. I really killed a man. I am the monster I feared of. I get up and start searching some painkillers. I find a painkillers tablet and take 8 of them. I swallow them down and go back into my bed.

* * *

With a deep sigh, I open my eyes. Ouch! My head hurts! I blink a couple of times and focus on the ceiling. I sigh and close my eyes again but a horrible sight appears. A dead man. Me killing him. No, no, no! That was not a dream! I have no desire to go to school now. I just don't seem to get rid of that terrible feeling. I groan and get up from the bed, going into the bathroom. I take my pants off of me and throw them on the floor. I take a cold shower in order to wake myself up.

I return into my room with a towel wrapped around my middle. I sigh as I hear the sound of a parking car. I go to my wardrobe but the doorbell stops me. With a deep sigh, I go downstairs, ignoring the fact that I am almost undressed. I open the front door and find myself face to face with Bleez. She is wearing a black tank top, a black jacket over it, black skin-tight shorts and black boots. Her hair is loosen. She is makeup with black eye shadow, black mascara and red lipstick. She smiles at me.

"Hey." She greets me.

"Hey. What are you doing here?"

Her gaze trails over my body. "Just wanting to see how you are feeling after killing someone."

"There was no need to remind me of that." I mumble and cross my arms over my chest. "Now leave!"

"No." She says stubbornly.

I raise an eyebrow. "Does your boyfriend know that you are here?"

She pushes against my chest, making me walk backwards. She closes the door with one of her feet and kisses me. I instinctively close my eyes and wrap my arms around her. She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me closer to her. I start walking and press her against a wall and myself. She wraps her legs around my waist and I place my hands on her rear. I get away from the wall and start walking again, going into my room. I break the kiss and attach my mouth to her neck, carefully looking at my feet.

I open the door from my room and get in. I close the door with one of my feet and go to my bed. We land on my bed with me on top and I kiss Bleez again. My hands go under her tank top, making her moan. I break the kiss and pull back a little, looking at her. She grins at me and I sit up, making her to the same. I take her jacket off of her and throw it somewhere on the floor. I make myself comfortable, sitting on my knees as she shifts a little, making me groan. I take her tank top off of her and make it fly through the room. I kiss her again and bring my hands to the clasp of her bra. I fumble with the clasp until I undo it. I then caress her backside, making her moan. I break the kiss again and my mouth lands on her neck. She moans and teasingle grinds her hips into mine, making me groan again.

"It's... really... impressive." She mumbles and grinds her hips into mine again. I groan and bite down hard enough to leave a mark. I then run my tongue along her new mark, making her shiver. I lay her down again and kiss her forcefully. She brings her hands in my hair, ruffling it. I groan and bite down on her lower lip.

* * *

I lazily open my eyes and sigh. I turn around and press myself into the warmth of the person next to me. Wait, what? I blink rapidly a couple of times and focus my eyes on the sleeping person. She is naked and a blanket is draped across both of us. What the hell did I do?! Her back is pressed against my front but her raven black hair makes me realize who she is. I sigh and almost growl. I can't believe I bedded with Bleez. She makes a small noise and turns around. I tuck a few stray bangs behind one of her ears and my action makes her open her eyes.

"Hey." She greets me.

I mutter something similar and she grins.

"That was very impressive." She says and lays down on her stomach. "Even though it was your first time." She adds, making me blush.

"H-how did you know?" I ask, stuttering a little.

She shrugs. "Does it really matter to you?"

I sigh. "No." I sigh again and try to find a comfortable position. I rest my chin on her back and kiss her shoulder blade. I bring my left hand on her back and slip down the blanket a little. I start drawing circles on her back, making her sigh. She looks at me with half lidded eyes. "What is it?" I ask.

"Nothing."

I sigh once more and kiss her shoulder blade again. "Don't tell to anyone about..."

"I will not. I am not stupid, Razer."

With another deep sigh and sit up and run one of my hands through my hair. She also sits up and leans her head on my right shoulder. She brings her right hand to my stomach and touches a bruise.

"Where is this from?"

I look at her and then at the bruise. "Atros 'gifted' me with it." I mutter.

"Ouch."

"Yeah."

She sighs and lays back down on the bed. "You did great yesterday, by the way." She says. I look at her and raise an eyebrow.

"Meaning?"

"You shot that cop straight in the head and you managed to go through everything your uncle made you. I am really impressed. No one has ever managed to do everything so good."

I shrug. "Whatever."

"It might haunt you a while."

"What?"

"The image of the dead cop. It was for the first time when you killed someone."

"Yeah. But I can handle it."

She stretches out and makes herself comfortable in my bed. "Stop thinking about that and it will stop haunting you."

I nod. "I think you should go now." I mumble and get up. I go into the bathroom for a long shower in order to calm myself down.

* * *

I return in my room only to find that Bleez isn't here anymore. I sigh and look at the ravaged bed. I should start putting everything in order.

* * *

I open my eyes as I hear the sound of a parking car. I sigh and look at the electronic clock. It shows 4 a.m. . Well, enough with sleeping. I lazily get up from my bed and start getting ready for school. Two days of skipping classes are enough for now. At least I will get rid of the memory of that man.

After a long shower, I ger dressed into a pair of grey jeans, a black t-shirt and a red jacket over it. I put on a pair of black boots and sigh.

* * *

I sigh and step into the hallways of the school. All the present students are looking at me as if I am an extraterrestrial. I frown and continue to walk.

"Razer!"

I stop walking and look at the one who has just called my name. "Morning." I greet her.

"Why did you skip classes?" Aya asks me. I sigh and look at her from head to toe. She is wearing a white blouse, green pants and white boots. Her hair is loosen and excepting black mascara and green lip gloss, she has no makeup.

"I felt ill." I half-lie to her. Her pissed off expression changes into one of concern.

"What is your status?"

"I am better now. There is no need to be concerned about me." I mutter. Plus, not even my uncle is so why would she be?

"Why should I not be concerned? I considered the thought that something had happened to you."

"I am fine, Aya!" I snap and walk away. I hear hurried footsteps. She grabs my forearm in an attempt to stop me.

"You can talk to me."

I look at her and shake my head. "No, I can't. You can't help me. No one can." I sigh and she releases me. "Come one. We shouldn't be late." She nods and we start walking towards out first class.

* * *

I sigh and put my earphones on as Saint Walker is talking to Aya. We are walking through the hallways of the school, heading towards the third floor.

I spot Bleez and Zox in a corner. Bleez is wearing a red, mid-thigh dress, a pair of black, elbow-lenght gloves and black boots. Her hair is loosen. Zox is wearing a red checkered shirt, black jeans and black boots.

I try to ignore them but as Bleez's gaze falls on my, she frowns. She walks towards me and stops me. I take one of my earphones down and look at her. "What the hell do you want?" I growl at her.

"My jacket." She says and looks next to me where Aya is standing. "I forgot it at your place. I think it has got under your bed." She adds and grins, her eyes sparkling with malice. Fuck! "I want you to give it back to me."

"I will." I mutter.

"Good." She says and walks away. I look at Aya who seems to be dumbfounded.

"We should continue..." I start but Aya cuts me off.

"There was no need for you to lie to me. You could have just said that you were with Bleez. I would have understood."

"Aya, I..."

"I am not naïve, Razer. I am aware about physical relationships. You do not have to tell me about that. But I give you an advice for future references: do not lie to me again." She says and walks away. I look at Saint Walker and sigh.

"It just happened." I say. "None of us anticipated it."

He nods.

* * *

I enter into the classroom and spot Aya in her usual seat. I go to her and sigh. "I am sorry, okay?"

She looks up at me. "What for?"

"For lying to you. Yes, I did not feel too good and Bleez just stopped by me and... that happened, but I did not mean to say that to you because it would have been too bizar."

"Oh." She makes me some room and I take my usual seat.

"You are upset, are you not?"

"That you lied to me, yes. That you slept with her, no. It is your life and I have no right to question what you are doing."

I nod.

"I wanted to call you." She says. "But I do not have your phone number."

I look at her. I have been knowing her for a few weeks but I did not give her my phone number.

"Give me your phone."

"Why?"

She scoffs. "I do not know. Why do you think I am asking you your phone?"

"Right." I say and pull my phone out.

* * *

I delve my hands into the pockets of my jeans and lower my head. Aya is next to me, talking enthusiastically about I-don't-know-what while the image of that man keeps spinning around my head. It still seems a dream, a nightmare, but it is not. I am a murderer. I murdered someone. Do I really deserve what I wish, now that I proved myself a monster? I doubt that. What do I deserve? Nothing. Or maybe a death? No. Death would be a too easy punishment for me. Until now, all I wanted was to get rid of my miserable life, to have someone who cared about me. But now, all I can think of is... death. A punishment for what I did and for what I will do. Atros said that there is no way of going back. And he was so fucking right!

"What do you think?" I am snapped out of my train of thoughts by Aya's sing-sang voice. I look at her completly dumbfounded. What do I think about what?

"Whatever you want." I mumble.

She stops midstep and looks at me, raising an eyebrow. "You do not know what I have just asked you, do you?"

"Honestly? No. I just want to get over this day." I say and my pace picks up its speed. Aya follows me. We arrive at the parking lot where Mr. Jordan and Saint Walker are waiting for Aya.

"You may come with us if you want to." Aya says.

"I..."

"Razer!"

I look at the one who has just called my name. Atros. "What the hell do you want?"

"I have something important to do and I will take you home.

Why do I have a feeling that he will stop somewhere else before?

"I will walk." I answer but he grabs my shoulder. I sigh and nod at him. We walk to his car and I wave Aya goodbye. She lowers her head and does not answer.

* * *

"First of all, you will be taught not to hesitate when it comes to shooting your enemy." Atros says, holding a gun. He lifts his hands up and points the gun at a manequin, shooting it straight in the head.

"You already told me this." I mutter.

"Yes. But you did not know what for. Now you do."

I sigh.

"Repeat what I have just done."

I nod and lift my own hands. I point the gun I have been holding at another manequin and take a deep breath.

"Do not hesitate."

I do as he says and pull the trigger. The bullet goes staright to the head of the manequin.

"Good boy. Do it again."

I nod and focus. Nothing else matters for me now. Not my wishes, not my life. Just this. I pull the trigger again. One's hands may hold the gun, but only one's thoughts can pull the trigger. This is what he taught me.

* * *

I walk into my room and let myself fall on my bed. I had three hours of learning to fight and use weapons. Not funny. And I have to do my homeworks and study for tomorrow. I yawn and sit up. I take everything I need and place it on my bed. I put my earphones on and start writing.

(One hour later)

I close one of my notebooks and sigh. I close my eyes but a horrible sight appears.

* * *

(FLASHBACK)

 _I looked at Atros with horror as he finished giving orders. Veon and another man unchained the dead cop and carried him away. Atros made me walk after them. I complied without complaining even though I had no desire to see that. We go out and they put the dead body into a car. They got into the driver and passager seat and started driving. My uncle got into another car and I followed him. He started driving and followed the first car._

 _Soon, we reached an abandoned house. What the hell were the planning to do? "What the fuck is the meaning of this?" I asked Atros and looked at him._

 _"They will get rid of the body." He answered coldly._

 _I gulped as he got down from the car. I did not have the desire to do the same so I just remained into the car. A few minutes later, the house was burning. Fuck!_

* * *

(END OF FLASHBACK)

I open my eyes and feel a shiver running down my spine. I have killed a man! I was not supposed to do that! I should not take someone's life!

I sigh as another song comes. I close my eyes again and start humming the lyrics.

"Waste away

I'm crawling blind

Hollowed by what I left inside." I open my eyes and sigh again.

"I will run and hide till memories fade away

And I will leave behind a love so strong." I blink my tears away as I remember Ilana.

* * *

(FLASHBACK)

 _"Hurry up, Razer!" She laughed and ran faster. I followed Ilana, running as fast as I could. She was wearing a grey blouse with a pink heart on her chest, black shorts and black sneakers. Her long, blonde hair was loosen, fluttering behind her. I was wearing a black t-shirt, grey jeans and black boots._

 _"Not fair, Ilana!" I said and tried to catch up with her. She only giggled and ran faster but after several seconds she stopped and turned around, making me bump into her that caused us to fall with me on top of her, my head landing on her chest. She gasped and giggled._

 _"You perv! I told you that I want to wait!"_

 _My cheeks started burning as I lifted my head up. "S-sorry. I-I didn't mean to..."_

 _"It's okay." She said and winked at me. Her hair was sprawled around her head, making her look like an Angel._

 _"I have to go." I said regretfully._

 _"It doesn't bother me, Razer. I am comfortable even though we are in the Central Park."_

 _"I am not referring to now. I have two more days of staying here and then... I will leave again." M_ _y uncle had something to do in my native city and we had come here one week ago. It was almost the end of the spring break._

 _Ilana made a pout. "I am going to miss you, beloved."_

 _"I will miss you too. Having a relationship at such great distance is very..."_

 _"Annoying, especially when the girl doesn't know if her boyfriend is faithful to her."_

 _I looked at her and kiss her endearingly. "I would never cheat on you, Ilana." I muttered after breaking off the kiss. "Never."_

 _She smiled up at me. "I love you."_

 _A smile couldn't help but place itself across my lips. "And I love you." I whispered and kissed her again._

* * *

(END OF FLASHBACK)

I open my eyes and allow a tear to flow down my cheek. I miss her so much! I miss my parents, my girlfriend! I miss my home, I miss my city, I miss my old life! I miss the time before I killed someone! But I have no chance of regaing those.

I sigh and open my mouth again, humming the next lyrics.

"I will run and hide till memories fade away

And I will leave behind a love so strong."

I let out a quiet sob as more memories come floating in.

* * *

(FLASHBACK)

 _I opened the front door, panick sweeping within me. I ran to Ilana's room, my hear threatening to leave my chest. I was silently parying that she was alright._

 _I was wearing a red checkered shirt, black jeans and black sneakers._

 _I opened the door from Ilana's room and my breath hitched. My girlfriend was lying on the floor, dead. I rushed to her side to take a better view at her and to try to help her. I knelt next to her and took her right hand into both of mine. Her skin was ice cold. I studied her for one long moment before growling. She was clad in a white dress and had a pair of white shoes. A few tears made their way out as I gently pressed my lips against her. I was no crazy, I knew that it was not a story and that she was not coming back if I kissed her but I wanted to somehow take goodbye. I pulled back and my body started shaking as I sobbed. "But... but I came back for you. I came back for you... I came back!"_

 _I let out a pained cry and allowed my tears to flown freely. "I came back for you."_

 _I heard footsteps. I looked at the door only to find Atros standing there with his arms crossed over his chest. "Stop crying. She can't hear you anymore. Stop lamenting. Call the police." He said and walked away. I sniffed and sobbed one more time before kissing Ilana's forehead._

 _"I am so sorry, Ilana." I murmured. "Please forgive me."_

* * *

(END OF FLASHBACK)

I sob at the memory and open my eyes. The song comes to an end, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. I feel a twinge in my stomach. I stop my MP3Payer and take my earphones down. Sighing, I run my right hand through my hair.

I sob one more time before throwing everything on the floor. I wipe my tears away and sigh. I want to see her again, to hold her, to kiss her. I wonder how she would react knowing that I killed someone. Probably she would be scared, refusing to even look into my eyes. I sigh again and grit my teeth. She was an Angel when alive, and now she is an Angel in Heaven.

* * *

I want to lose myself through the crowd. I want to hide myself from problems, from my uncle, from my old life. I want to hide everything about me: my past, my new life, my feelings, my crimes, my mistakes, my thoughts and my actions. If it were to be that simple. But it is not. I can't hide myself, I can't hide my life. All I can do is to try but not for too long. Sometimes, someone will find out. And then, all my efforts will reveal themselves to be futile.

I just want to move on, to hide everything, to forget the bad memories. Maybe I am too weak, or too strong, but I am not strong enough to forget. Nor I am weak enough to hide myself in my room and never get out.

Sigh. But I wish I could just hide myself, make myself be invisible.

* * *

 _I hope you like it._

 _Thank you for your reviews. I think all of us know who is the responsable one for the crimes presented in the last chapter. That is indeed great, Panthon124!_

 _Shout out to Ssj Maggie who gave me great suggestions for this story._

 _Well? Opinions? Advices? Comments and criticisms are welcomed but no flames please. Tell me what you think. Read and review please._


	3. Dark on me

_I have nothing to say. Well, enjoy it._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing cause if I have had we would have seen many Razaya kisses. I also do not own 'Dark on me' by Starset._

* * *

 ** _There's no hate,_**

 ** _There's no love_**

 _I sigh and make a few steps forward, looking up at the night sky. Everything is so quiet, so relaxing, so calm. Everything is in a war with my feelings, with my inner demons._

 _ **Only dark skies that hang above**_

 ** _I call your name as I walk alone_**

 ** _Send a signal to guide me home_**

 _A gentle breeze ruffles my hair, making me sigh. I stop walking and look down at myself. I am wearing a black t-shirt, a grey jacket over it, black jeans and black sneakers. I sigh again and lay myself down on the ground. I rest my hands behind my head and stare at the stars._ One _of the stars twinckles, making me smile. I am alone, but I have no problem with it. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, listening to the quietness of the forest. A battle is going on within me, each feeling fighting for dominance._

 _ **Light the night up, you're my dark star**_

 _I open my eyes after probably a few minutes. I hear light footsteps. I turn my head around and let my gaze wander to the person who dared to come to me. My heart starts racing out of control as I recognize her. I sit up and look at her, lost. "Il-Ilana?" I ask incredulously as she sits down next to me. She smiles at me. "I-is that you?"_

 _ **And now you're falling away**_

 _She nods and hugs me. I can't help but hug back. I pull back after a few minutes and admire her. She has grown since we last saw each other. Her hair is now shorter but it is still her. Still the blue-eyed girl that I love. She is wearing a white dress, a grey jacket over it and black boots. Her hair is loosen, the breeze making it sweep across her shoulders and face. "I have missed you so much, beloved!" She says and kisses me quickly. I kiss back and wrap my arms around her, pulling her closer to me. I break the kiss only when my need for air can't be ignored any longer. I look into her eyes to see the love within._

 _ **But I found in you what was lost in me**_

 _ **In a world so cold and empty**_

 _"I have missed you too. I love you so much!"_

 _"I love you too, Razer." She says and tears start welling in her eyes._

 _I frown. "Then why did you choose to leave me?"_

 _She sighs and lowers her eyes. "It was necessary. I just... had no other choice."_

 _ **I could lie awake just to watch you breathe**_  
 _ **In the dead of night, you went dark on me**_

 _I also sigh. "God, it's been over two years!" I say. "I've missed you in every single way!"_

 _"I've missed you too but..."_

 _"But why?" I cry out, tears flowing freely on my cheeks. "We were supposed to remain together, Ilana! I never thought at anybode else but you. You were constantly in my mind."_

 _ **You're the cause,**_  
 _ **The antidote**_

 _ **The sinking ship that I could not let go**_

 _A frown creases her smooth brow. "I know you too well, Razer. You are lying to me."_

 _"What?! How could you acuse me of such thing? I am not the one who left..."_

 _"Actually, you are. You left me and went in that blasted city with your uncle. But that part is not important. You lied to me when you said that I was always in your mind."_

 _My eyes widen slightly and I look at her, completly startled. "Wh-what do you mean?"_

 _"Aya."_

 _"What?!"_

 _"She has been in your mind since you two met."_

 _"We are just friends." I huff and cross my arms over my chest._

 _"I am not too sure."_

 _ **You led my way then disappeared**_  
 _ **How could you just walk away and leave me here?**_

 _I shake my head and sigh. "But I love you!"_

 _"Razer..." She sighs and cups my face in her hands. I stare deeply into her eyes, as if trying to see through her very soul. She seems to be doing the same thing. She leans up and kisses me quickly. She pulls back shortly after and sighs._

 _"Are you alright?"_

 _A tears falls from her right eye and down her cheek. "I am so sorry."_

 _I frown and my gaze wanders to her chest. My eyes grow wide as I see the blood pouring from there. "What..? Ilana, you are bleeding!" I say, panicking._

 _She lets out a sob as the blood flowns down. Fuck! I gently lay her down and kiss her forehead. "Razer.." She says._

 _"It's okay, Ilana. I am here this time." I whisper and get the edges of her jacket away from her wounds. I tear her dress where her chest is in order to take a look at what is making her bleed. She gasps and groans in pain. I can make out two marks of bullets. "Ilana?"_

 _"Razer..."_

 _I touch her face and sigh. "Shhh. I... I will call 911. They will save you." I say and try to take my phone but she stops me._

 _"Don't. It... is too... late for me." She says, breathing hard. "B-but... y-you sho-should know who d-did... this t-to me."_

 _My eyes grow wider than they actually are. "Who?"_

 _She gasps and clenches her eyes shut. "I-it was... H-he... h-his name... i-is A..." she stops and sighs one more time, her chest rising and falling as the air entered and left her lungs._

 _"Ilana? Who was it?"_

 _ **Light the night up, you're my dark star**_  
 _ **And now you're falling away**_

 _I shake her body but she doesn't respond. A shiver runs down my spine as I consider the thought that she died. I shake that thought down and search her pulse. I find nothing._

 _"Ilana! Ilana, wake up! Open your eyes, Ilana! Don't do this to me!" I say and try to wake her up. Her image starts fading away, making me gasp. "No, no, no! Ilana, wake up! Don't leave me! Not a second time." Her image disolves and becomes white flakes._

 _ **But I found in you what was lost in me**_  
 _ **In a world so cold and empty**_

* * *

"Ilana!" I cry out and sit up, panting. Cold sweat is dripping on my whole body, making me be cold. I look around me, trying to gather my wits. My gaze falls on the electronic clock and I have to stop myself from growling in annoyance. I had a nightmare. Again! And it's 3:45 am. No more sleep for me, it seems. Having bad dreams is not something unnatural for me.

 **I could lie awake just to watch you breathe**  
 **In the dead of night, you went dark on me**

Dreams. What are dreams? Definition: something you experience while you are sleeping not so deep. But for me dreams are not like that. For me, dreams mean real nightmares. Every night, I have nightmares or my old life, of my beloved, of my new life. Of everything bad that I ever done, or that has ever happened to me. Every night I struggle, I try to get away of everything that makes me pained, that hurts me. But I can't. I get away from the real life but my nightmares are haunting me every time I rest my head on the pillow. Every time I close my eyes and try to sleep, I see her face, I hear her voice. Ilana... The same thing as ever: pain, sufferince, my broken heart, my crimes.

 **Blinded, I can't do this on my own**

I have a tough life. No love, no friends, nothing ordinary. But instead, I have only pain, hurt, sufferince, despair, bullies, beatings, fear, rage, hate.

My soul is torn apart, broken, scarred, destroyed, shattered into million pieces. My life is full of pain, miserable, horrible. I miss love, I miss a beautiful life.

 **You were all I've got, to guide me home**

I am blinded, deafened, lost. I lost everything I cared about, I lost my family, my home, my girlfriend. I am not able to see the right path I should be walking on, I am unable to hear the advice I am given. Sigh. I am indeed dead inside.

 **I could lie awake just to watch you breathe**  
 **In the dead of night, you went dark on me**

My world is upside down, I became everything I always feared. Everything is dark around me. Darkness lives within me and I live in darkness. My whole life, my very existence is compromised, destroyed.

 **Dark on me, dark on me**  
 **Dark on me, dark on me**  
 **Dark on me**

I do not remember how it is to be loved, taken care of, not beaten up, not destroyed. And if I do remember, I try to supress those memories. They hurt me too much to allow them to go to the surface of me and of my soul.

 **I could lie awake just to watch you breathe**  
 **In the dead of night, you went dark on me**

* * *

I sigh and open my eyes as my annoying alarm does wake me up. I let out a yawn and sit up. I run one of my hands through my hair and get up from the bed. I go into the bathroom and start getting ready. I take a hot shower and try to get the memories of my nightmare out of my head.

I sigh and get out from my bathroom, a towel wrapped around my middle. I go to my wardrobe and start searching through it. I find a black t-shirt with a white star on it, grey jeans and a black jacket. I get dressed quickly and put on a pair of black boots. I sigh and run one of my hands through my hair. My growling stomach reminds me that, yes, I am hungry. I go downstairs and into the kitchen. I walk to the fridge and pull out something to eat.

* * *

I am walking through the hallways of the school. I spot Aya and Saint Walker talking. I can't help but smile as I approach them. "Hey." I greet them and my neutral expression returns. Both of them smile at me. Aya is wearing a white camisole, green, skin-tight jeans that look wonderful on her, and white ankle-lenght boots. She has a green jacket in her hands. Her hair, now longer than when we first met, is loosen.

Saint Walker is wearing a blue checkered, unbottoned shirt that allows his black t-shirt to be seen, black jeans and black boots.

"Hello." Aya says and places her jacket into her locker.

"Hello, Brother."

I sigh at Saint Walker's greeting. He always calls me 'brother' but I dislike it. It reminds me of my family and of a great loss of mine from around 12 years ago.

* * *

(FLASHBACK)

 _I chuckled as my mother tried, in vain, to catch me. I have been running through our house for at least one hour._

 _"Razer, slow down!" I heard her sing-sang voice calling after me. "You know I have troubles!"_

 _I sighed and stopped. Oh, I knew it well. She came towards me, panting. She was wearing a large, white shirt and grey shorts. Her hair was caught in a messy bun. Her belly was pretty big. Her deep blue eyes locked with mine and she frowned at me. "Sorry?" I offered, smiling. I knew that it was impossible for her to stay mad at me for too long._

 _Her expression changed into a happy one as she knelt down next to me. "You finally stopped. Come one, your nanny should be here soon. You know I have to get going."_

 _"But I don't wanna let you go!" I whinned. "I want you to stay home."_

 _She sighed and ruffled my hair. "Mommy has to go to the doctor to see if everything is alright with your sibling and daddy will take her there. We cannot take you with us and you cannot stay alone so much."_

 _I huffed and crossed my arms over my chest. "I am big enough!" I fought back._

 _She giggled and kissed my forehead. "Yeah, you are mommy's big boy but I cannot take that risk. Now come on."_

 _I sighed and allowed her to take me in her hands. "Uff."_

 _I rested my head on her shoulder as she carried me to the door. My father was already there, talking to a red-haired woman. The woman came in and took me from my mother's arms. Mother kissed my forehead again and father ruffled my hair before both of them left. I sighed and looked after them until my Amira closed the door. She ruffled my hair._

 _"Wanna play a game?" She asked._

 _I shook my head as a 'no'._

* * *

 _I crossed my arms over my chest and started tapping my foot with impatience as Amira answered the phone._

 _"What?!" She almost yelled. "We will get there soon." She said and looked at me, worry etched across her face. She hung up and took me in her arms, a few tears flowing down her cheeks. "I am so sorry, Razer. But... something happened to your mother."_

 _My eyes grew wide and my heart started racing out of control._

* * *

 _Tears threatened to fall from my eyes as I raced towards the ward my mother was in. Amira was running after me but I managed to be fast. Really fast. I storm into the ward, my vision blurry from my tears. "Mommy..." I whimpered as I saw mother on a hospital bed, unconscious. I ran to her and climbed into the bed, next to her. Father was sitting on a chair, his face buried in his hands. "Daddy?"_

 _He looked at me with sad eyes. He sighed and ran one of his hands through his hair. "Razer..."_

 _I looked at him and then at mother. "Is she okay? What happened to her?"_

 _He sighed again. "I was driving back home and... a car hit us full-force. I got only a few bruises but you mother passed out and..." He trailed off and burised his face in his hands again. "The doctor should come soon to tell us... how she is."_

 _Right then, the door opened and someone came in. I looked at them. A doctor came towards us and cleared his throat. His expression was sad. "I am sorry to tell you this but... your wife... lost the child."_

 _My eyes grew wider and I couldn't help but stare at him in shock._

 _"I am so sorry." He said. "She should wake up in any moment and I..."_

 _"I will announce her." Father said and the doctor left. I sighed and allowed more tears to fall. Amira came to me and took me in her arms. I let out a few sobs and snuggled closer to her as mother started to wake up. She opened her eyes slowly and looked at me, completly beweildered._

 _"Wha'? What's going on?" She asked and looked at father. "Why... are we in... the hospital... again?"_

 _Father gave her a sad smile. "I am so sorry." He said quietly._

 _"My dear, what happened?"_

 _"O-our unborn child..." He started and tears started welling in his eyes._

 _Mother's eyes grew wide. "Wh-what ha-happened to o-our child?" She asked between sobs._

 _"Amira, take Razer outside." Father said._

 _Amira turned around. I looked at her and saw her eyes welling._

* * *

(END OF FLASHBACK)

I sigh at the bitter memory.

"Razer, what is your status?" Aya asks me and touches my left forearm, her hand lingering here.

"I am fine." I say and frown.

"Razer!"

I sigh and turn my head around, looking at Bleez. She is wearing a black dress and black boots.

"My jacket."

I smirk and pull her jacket out my schoolbag. "Here." I say and throw it in her direction. I spot Zox coming towards up. He is wearing a black t-shirt with a black jacket over it, grey jeans and black boots. "You were right." I add when Zox is only a few feet away from us. "It did get under my bed."

Zox stops when he hears me. A growling sound fills his throat and he comes straight to me. "What the fuck have you just said?"

I huff. "Did you not hear me?"

He growls and me and clenches his fists. "I will make you pay, you son of a bitch!"

I growl and narrow my eyes. "Like you would ever be able to hurt me. You could barely keep your girl in check."

He tries to punch me but I manage to avoid his fist. "You motherfucker!"

I growl at him.

"I suggest you to stop." Aya says.

"Stay out of this!" I growl at her. I turn my attention back to Zox who is looking like he might explode any minute. He tries to hit me again but I grasp his fist and clutch hard until I hear cracking sounds. I bring him towards me and punch him hard.

"Razer, stop!" Aya says. "It is not worth it!"

I ignore her and throw Zox on the floor. He gets up and growls at me. I now notice that the other students are looking at us. I growl and frown. He tries again to punch me but I avoid it, making him punch the locker. He growls as I step aside. I clench my fists and decide to punch him but Aya comes in front of me.

"I suggest you to stop!" She says.

"Get out of my way!" I growl.

"I will not. You should not be doing this."

I open my mouth, ready to say something but Zox catches her right forearm and pushes her aside, making her stumble and fall on the floor.

"Stay out of this, bitch!" He growls.

My eyes widen slightly as Aya gets up and dusts herself off. "Unlike Bleez, Aya is not a bitch!" I growl. Aya looks at me and frowns. "Just leave me fucking alone!"

Zox growls and catches my throat, slamming my back against a locker. I stop myself from groaning as he punches me. "No one embarrasses Bleez and gets away with it!" He growls and punches me again. I feel the unique taste of blood in my mouth. I grin as I see Sayd walking through the hallway.

"Please don't hit me." I whin when she is close enough to hear me. "I will give you my money, but please stop hitting me." Okay, maybe I am overreacting with my plea but I have to get away from him.

"What are you trying to do?" He mouths.

I stop myself from grinning when Sayd grabs him and pulls him away from me. "This was the last drob, Zox! The principal will not be too happy to find out about this." She says and drags him away.

I grin and look after him.

"You son of a bitch!" Bleez growls.

"Spare me, bitch!" I answer. She growls one more time and leaves.

I look at Saint Walker who is giving me a disappointed glare.

"You shouldn't have done that." Aya says.

"He deserved it." I shrug.

"I am not referring at Zox, Razer. I meant to say how you treated Bleez."

"Hey, that bitch deserved that!"

"Publically embarrassing her is not something a female should 'deserve', as you said." She fights back.

"What is your problem anyway?" I growl at her. "I didn't do that to you."

She narrows her eyes but says nothing.

"You are nothing like her and you should be proud of yourself instead of annoying me with these things!"

"So I am annoying you." She huffs and walks away.

Fuck! Never in my life have I been so embarrassed. "Aya, wait. I-I didn't mean that."

"I am not quite sure if you did not, Razer." She replies.

I sigh and run one of my hands through my hair. I look at Saint Walker again. "She is upset, isn't she?"

He sighs and nods. "Yes, she is. You should apologize."

"Why? I did nothing wrong."

"You insulted her."

"How?"

"You compared her with Bleez."

"This is irrelevant. Aya is not like Bleez. So how did I insult her?"

"That is something only she can tell you." He answers.

I sigh again and go after Aya.

* * *

"Hey." I greet Aya. She makes some space and I go in my usual seat, being in her left. "Saint Walker said that I insulted you." I mumble. "How?"

She sighs. "You compared me with Bleez, but you called her a 'bitch'."

"You are not like that."

She looks at me and raises an eyebrow.

"You are different, in a lot of good ways. It was idiotic to say something like that to you."

She frowns for a few seconds but her smile reappears soon enough.

"I am sorry fot upsetting you." I mumble. "But a lot have been happening to me recently and I..."

"It is alright." She says. She places her right hand on my left forearm. "If you feel the need to talk to someone, I can help you."

I sigh. "Sorry but I... am not looking forward to sharing this to anyone, not even to you."

Her brow furrows. "I do not understand the reason why."

"Because... it is private."

Her grip on my forearm tightens a little. "I will not judge you, if that is what you are fearing of."

I sigh again. "If I decide to talk to you..." I start.

She smiles brightly and releases me. She pulls a notebook out of her schoolbag. She opens it at the last page and starts writing down something. She tears a part of the sheet and offers it to me. "Here is my adress, if you want to talk. Call me before." She says as I accept the sheet.

"Thank you, I... will always be grateful for this."

"You are welcome."

* * *

"Who is Ilana?" Aya asks me.

I look at her, a little confused. "Excuse me?"

"Who is Ilana?"

"Where do you know her name from?"

"Your notebook." She answers and points towards my botebook. I look at it only to see that I had written Ilana's name on the last page. "Is she important to you?"

I sigh and swallow. "Yes, she... was my girlfriend."

"Was. Why?"

"She... died a few years ago." I answer with bitterness. "But it is too painful to talk about her."

"Oh. I am sorry, I did not mean to cause you pain." She apologizes.

I sigh and return to my drawing.

* * *

I take a deep breath and look at my phone. Now or never, I decide. I call Aya, feeling a little shy and apprehensive.

" _This is Aya Jordan. May I be of any help?"_ She answers.

"Hi. It's Razer."

" _Razer? Is there something wrong?_ "

She asked for my phone number and she didn't know who I was? I hope she did not delete me from her contact list. "I... decided that I do want to talk with someone about my problems and you seem the be the best choice. I would... very much like to talk to you."

There is a brief silence and I start to wonder if she changed her mind. "Can you stop by my place in one hour?"

"Yeah, I think so." I mutter.

"Alright. Come to my garage."

"Sure. See you later."

I can sense her smiling. "I am looking forward." She answers. I hang up and sigh. I run one of my hands through my hair and start getting ready.

* * *

I look down at myself, sighing. I have just finished getting ready for going to Aya. The only thing I changed is the t-shirt as I put on a grey t-shirt with a black giant star on it. I run downstairs and go into the kitchen. I take an apple and eat - more like devour - it on my way to my garage. I get into my car, which is a red Ferrari.

* * *

With a sigh, I get down from my car and go into Aya's garage. "Aya?" I ask. From beneath a white and green car, Aya comes out. She is a pair of dark green, midthigh-lenght shorts, a black bodice and a green checkered unbuttoned shirt, tied up at her navel. She is very... hot. There is an oil stain on her abdomen. "Hi, I... came." I say and smile at her.

She smiles. "Why hello there, Razer. How are you today?"

"Um... I'm fine, thanks. Nice car. Is it yours?"

"Yes, thank you." Her smile grows.

My gaze wanders to the other car present here. It is a dark blue car. "And that one? Who does it belong to?"

"It is Saint Walker's." She answers.

I roll my eyes. "You have three cars?"

"Four, actually. My mother has one too." She replies.

I raise an eyebrow at her and sigh. "Why don't you go to a service if you want some repairs at your car?"

"I like to work at my car. I learned to work at engines several years ago."

"Oh."

"May I ask a favor from you before we start our talk?"

I nod. "What favor?"

"Please close the garage door."

I can feel my cheeks heating up as I turn around and I as she has just asked me. "Anything else?"

"Yes. Please do not turn around until I say you to."

I nod as I hear light footsteps. Still I can't stop my curiousity. I turn my head around after starting to speak: "Why not to turn..." I stop midsentence as I see something I was not expecting to see. Aya is taking her jacket off and throws it on the floor. "...around." I finish as her bodice follows, giving me a great view of her backside. Her skin is pale and it seems to be very smooth and soft. I notice that she has a tattoo on the small of her back. It is a blue rose with black contors of the petals and the rose is surrounded by dark green leaves. I never imagined Aya like that. I grit my teeth, trying to stop my racing thoughts. Is it wrong to find her... sexy? She is so freaking beautiful and that tattoo only makes her look even more attractive! No, no, no! Not now! Why do I have these fucking thoughts?! I have to keep my testosterone in check while looking at a half-naked Aya who looks fucking beautiful! Yeah, it's not too easy.

I try to keep my hormones in check while resisting the urge to go to her and trace that freaking tattoo of hers. While I am staring at the beautiful teenager in front of me, she takes a white bra on. I stop myself from groaning when she picks a dark green camisole up and takes it on her. I turn my head around, staring at the garage door and trying to stop the mental images I am receiving. Fuck!

"You have the permission to turn around." I hear Aya's sing-sang voice. I turn around slowly and look at her. Only a glance in her direction triggers a lot of signals being sent into my brain, and every other nerve ending. "So what do you want to talk to me about?" She asks as I open the garage door again.

I shift my gaze to the side and clear my throat. "About... many things." I mutter.

She nods and tucks a few rebelious stary bangs out of her eyes and behind one of her ears. "Do you want to go somewhere else or you prefer to talk here?"

"Wherever is comfortable enough for you." I say.

She nods. "Then I think we should go into my room."

I nod. "But before... you should know that I-..."

"Aya." I get cut off by Saint Walker. I look behind me and see Aya's brother approaching us. He is smiling. He is clad in a blue t-shirt, black jeans and black boots. "Ghiata came. She said she wanted to talk to you."

She nods. "Razer, do you mind if..."

"No, you can go." I mutter and she gets out.

I look at Saint Walker and sigh. "I came just to talk to her." I assure him.

"I know. She told me."

"Oh." I look down at my feet. "B-but I c-can't do this. I-it is t-too..."

"What do you mean, Brother?" I raise my gaze back to Saint Walker's face.

"I-I... May I tell you a-a... secret?" I ask him, dreadful.

He nods. "Yes. Proceed."

I take a deep breath. "I... killed someone." I blurt out bluntly. "Two days ago, when I skipped school. My uncle, Atros, is the leader of half of the American mafia. He took me to an abandoned warehouse and made me kill a cop who had been spying on them for probably months. A-and I did it."

"You killed him?"

"I shot him. Straight in the head." I confess. For the first time in my life, I do trust someone I met only a few weeks ago. "I-I..."

He looks at me as if I has just said the most normal thing. "Did your uncle force you?"

"Not... exactly. He just ordered me to kill that cop."

"Did you want to kill him?"

"No, I had not even the smallest desire to do so."

"Why would you kill someone if you did not want to?"

"I... I don't know. I guess I just wanted to prove myself worth of..." I sigh and trail off.

"How did you feel afterwards?"

"Horrible."

"But why didn't you just put the gun down and walk away? Surely he did not deserve to die." His voice is normal while mine is almost shaking. It does piss me off that he is this calm but he is the only person that would listen to me, excepting Aya of course.

"He didn't. He was just doing his job." I answer.

"Do you plan to tell anyone else?" He asks me.

I shake my head as a 'no'. "I wanted to tell this to Aya but I doubt that I can."

"I hear talking about things that trouble you can help." He adds.

"I-I am not too sure that I w-want to share this with s-someone else."

"If you do not plan to say this to anybody else, your secret is safe with me." He says.

I give him a sad smile. "Th-thank you." I mutter. He smiles and nods.

"If you want to talk again..."

I nod as Aya returns from her conversation with Ghiata. "Razer, do you still want to talk?" She asks me.

"Ah... yeah, I do."

She nods. "Follow me." I go after her as she starts walking.

* * *

I sigh and close the door from Aya's room. She sits on her bed and I follow her example. I expected her room to be with much pink and violet. But it is not. Three walls are white while the one from the door is green. The ceiling has a darker hue of green than the wall. Her bed is placed next to a window and it is big enough for two persons and the sheets are green and white. The wardrobe is a light brown color. There is a black desk with her laptop on it. She has a library shelf filled with books.

"Wow." I mumble and sit on her bed.

She looks at me and smiles. "What should we start with?" She asks.

I gulp. "Well, I-I..." I move my gaze to my feet. "I... I did..." I am struggling to find the right words but it seems impossiblee. I sigh. I surely can't talk to her about that! "I can't do this, I'm sorry." I say. "It is impossible for me to talk to anyone... even with you. I am so sorry."

She takes my right hand into both of hers. "It is alright, I understand you." She does? "I will wait until you are ready to talk about your problems."

I nod. "Thank you, Aya. I... I really appreciate it." I say. I see something sparkling in her eyes and she hugs me. I am a little surprised by her sudden action but I can't help but return the embrace. I allow myself to lose into the warmth of her body as she gently makes a rubbing motion on my back.

"I am here for you, Razer. I will always be here for you." She promises. I close my eyes and sigh. If she knew what I have done, she wouldn't be saying this.

Is she able to get me away from this crazy world around me? Is she the Angel I have been waiting for? Is she the only one who could get the darkness away?

* * *

 _Some Razaya moments here! Let's allow Razer to have some happy moments for now. I hope you like it._

 _A big shout out for Ssj Maggie and catwoman03 for helping me get this ready. Thank you, girls!_

 _Well? Opinions? Advices? Comments and criticisms are welcomed but no flames please. Tell me what you think. Read and review please._


	4. Memories and pain

_Hey, guys. Sorry for the long absence (I think) but I had to delete and write again the whole chapter. Not funny! Well, enjoy it._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing cause if I have had we would have seen many Razaya kisses._

* * *

(FLASHBACK)

 _My eyes grew wide as I noticed my uncle's car in front of my house. I was getting back from school. I was wearing a black t-shirt, black jeans and black sneakers._

 _I ran inside and went straight into the living room where I heard voices. My parents and my uncle. I couldn't stop a smile from spreading across my face at the sight of Atros. I hadn't seen him for years. "Hey." I greeted._

 _He nodded and gave me a small smile. He was wearing a red t-shirt, a black jacket over it, red jeans and black boots._ _My mother smiled brightly. She was wearing a grey dress and black ankle-lenght boots. My father only nodded. He was wearing a grey t-shirt, black jeans and grey sneakers._

 _I sighed and looked at each other before snuffling nervously. "I'll be in my room, if you need me." I mumbled and left into my room. I more ran than walked. I shut the door closed behind me and went to my bed. My backpack flew on my bed and I followed it. I pulled out my books and notebooks, put my earphones on and started doing my homeworks.  
_

 _Three hours later or so, I started to have a hollow feeling in my stomach. I sighed and pulled my earphones out. I got to the door and opened it. I went downstairs but when I got to the door from the kitchen, I heard two well known voices: my father's and my uncle's. I came with my left ear closer to the door and listened to their conversation. I know, not something I should have done but I was curious.  
_

 _"Are you crazy, Atros?!" Father asked, fury obvious in the tone of her voice._

 _"No, I am just realistic. You need to return to our... affair."_

 _"I quit years ago, when I got married and you know this. We both swore to never get involved into that again, and unlike you, I do intend to keep my promise."_

 _"Who says I kept my promise?" Atros asked and I could sense a grin on his lips. "I never did."  
_

 _"You son of a..." Father started only to get cut off by Atros' laughter._

 _"Keep that for later. Now, more important things. Your son."_

 _I heard father gasp. I bit my lower lip and listened with more care. "I'll not allow him to become like that. I'll not allow him to become a monster."_

 _Atros laughed again. "He has that in his blood, brother. He is meant to be like us."_

 _Father growled. "No! I forbide you to say anything to him! If he finds out, I will kill you, Atros! And this time I do mean it!"_

 _My eyes grew wide and I made a few steps backwards. The door opened and my face paled when I saw Atros. He grinned at me._

 _"Are you okay, kid? You look like you've just seen a ghost."_

 _"I-I'm... fine." I stuttered. "I was hungry."  
_

 _Father came out the kitchen and sighed when he saw me. "I think you should leave now, Atros. And I do hope I made my point clear."_

 _Atros grinned and looked at me. "You did." I watched him as he feft. "By the way, I have a gift for you, Razer. It is in my car. Come with me."_

 _I looked at father who was having a murderous expression across his face. I nodded and went after my uncle. I heard my father sigh but I paid no attention to it._

 _"What is it?" I asked once we got to my uncle's black Porche._

 _"You were eavesdropping." He said bluntly._

 _"W-what?!" I stammered. Just like an idiot!  
_

 _"Don't try to fool me, kid! I know you heard us. Don't you want to know what we were talking about?"_

 _I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth. "I don't know, nor do I care."_

 _He gazed into my eyes with fierceness, but I didn't break eye contact with him. "You are capable of many things, Razer. Things your father could never do."_

 _"Father was right. Leave me alone!" I growled and turned around, trying to get back inside. I want to mention it was pretty late and it was almost dark._

 _He growled back, but not just a normal growl. It was an animal-like sound, something I've never heard before from anyone._ _"What did you say?" He asked._

 _"Fuck off!"_

 _He growled again and grabbed me by the collar of my t-shirt, lifting my feet off the ground. "You son of a bitch!" He spat out. "I'll teach you what respect means!"  
_

 _My eyes grew even more wider as he threw me on the pavament and kicked me in my stomach. I coughed and tried to get up but another kick sent me back down. "What the hell was that for?" I growled and got up._

 _He grinned again and punched me, making me stumble backwards a couple of steps. "Keep your mouth shut, boy! It's better that way."  
_

 _I growled again and charged towards him. I punched him in the jaw, making him stumble a couple of steps backward. "I said to fuck off!"_

 _"Razer, Atros, that's enough!" I heard my father's voice. I looked at his disapointed expression sighing. "Atros, leave and never come back, unless you want to apologize." Father added while clenching his fists._

 _Atros cursed under his breath but got into his car and left._

 _"Get into the house!" Father said. I sighed and nodded. I left and walked into the house as well as I was able to with the pain I was feeling._

* * *

(END OF FLASHBACK)

I sigh and close my eyes. Excepting the fact that I'm at school - which is a pretty good thing now, trust me - everything is the same as ever. I'm still alone, sad... depressed. Well, my mood is like in any other day. Excepting that today... I feel worse that until now. Today... today marks the annyversary when I... when me and Ilana went to our first date. I... I still remember every detail, the way she looked, the way she walked. Everything. It's been four years since then and at every anniversary I feel horrible! I keep thinking that I should have died too. Or that it should have been me who died. Yes, I know, the cliche line but... I really _feel_ this way. I fucking feel like taking a goddamn gun and shooting myself! But I never do. Everything is just theoretical! Maybe I'm too coward, but I'm pretty sure I will never be able to do that. It's just so fucking hard! As forgetting my pain is! I... I simply can't stand this, I simply can't... can't...

"Razer?" I feel a warm touch on my right forearm. A gentle squeeze. "What is your current status?"

I sigh again and open my eyes. I keep looking straight ahead and I don't answer. I just can't. _Coward!_ I clench my fists. _Shut up!_ I fight with myself. Great! Maybe I'm crazy too? Like depression wasn't bad enough!

The warm hand is slowly pulled away by its possessor. "I would appreciate it if you answered me."

I turn my head to the right only to see a frowing Aya. "It's personal!" I mutter and turn my attention back to... to nothing. To my thoughts.

"Oh."

I don't know what to think. Aya is one of the few persons that talk to me, that want to help me, but I know that never, not even once, is help given without expecting something back. Aya is... she has something special, and even though she doesn't express her feelings through expressions and she usually behaves more like a 'machine' than a human, she has a very kind heart and she does care. Empathy. Something I should stop having. My own fucking problems are enough, I don't need to feel bad for anybody else too. But enough with this. I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear me babbling about my miserable life. I look at Aya again. She is wearing a green tank top, white jeans and dark green boots. Her hair is loosen and she is makeup only with green mascara and pink lip gloss. I am dressed into a red checkered shirt, black jeans and black boots. Nothing out of ordinary.

"Razer, are you alright? You have been staring at me for aproximatively three point seven minutes." Aya's voice snap me out of my daydreaming state. I shake my head.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I lie. "Sorry, it's just... I'm having a... difficult time."

"Oh." She places her right hand on my forearm again. "Would you like to talk about whatever is troubling you?" She asks softly.

I shake my head as a 'no'. "I... I can't. It's too... painful to talk about."

She sighs and retracts her hand. "I apologize. I have not thought that through."

I nod and turn my attention to my notebook. It's opened at the last page that is full of drawings and lyrics. I take a pencil and start drawing something else, without even knowing what. It's always the same, I simply let my imagination run wild and end it up a few minutes hours or days - or even weeks - later. It depends on how long I work on it.

I sigh as I hear all the students talking. I need silence! The teacher is not able to come to our class today so we have a free hour before a test at history. I normally would be reading the lessons again but I'm not able to focus. I just have to hope I'll remember everything. Anyway, I pull my earphones out and put them on. The first song starts playing and I move the pencil according to the rhythm of the song. My eyes shift to Aya for a brief second only to see that she is studying for thr test. I sigh and get back to my drawing.

I keep drawing as the songs change. After about half an hour, I finally stop as I feel a warm hand over mine, squeezing gently. I look at Aya who is smiling sadly at me. I frown at her as she pulls my right earphone down with her free hand.

"What was troubling you... was it something regarding Ilana?"

A growling sound fills my throat at her question, startling even myself. "Don't you ever dare to say her name!" I growl and catch her wrist.

"What? Razer!"

I tighten my grip on her wrist. "You don't know her! You will never speak about her! Do you get it?"

Her expression changes. "My apologies, I did not think..."

"You know what? I don't care! My past is private, Aya, and you are not supposed to talk about it!"

Her brow furrows and she hisses. "Razer, stop! You are hurting me!"

I hiss at her and tighten my grip on her even more. "Never say her name again, Aya!"

She tries to snatch her hand away, but it's useless. I'll not let her go unless she promises.

"Promise me!"

"I... I promise!"

I release her hand and put my earphone back on. I know I shouldn't have reacted that way but I couldn't help it. My life and my sorrow are none of her business! She should be taught how to never get involved into someone else's life or she might get hurt because of that. She's just... she's just.. Ugh! I don't understand why she doesn't mind her own business, or why she keeps trying to get me open up in front of her. Just because I tried one goddamn time and I fucking failed miserable, it doesn't mean I'm going to try over and over again! I swear that if she asks me something about my fucking life, I'm going to lose my control! My past isn't anybody's business, it's mine and she should learn that, for God's sake!

Ugh! I fucking hate this day! All is missing in Atros beating me up for I don't know what shitty reason he can find!

I sigh and now even the music seems useless. I take my earphones off and throw then in my schoolbag.

"I am sorry."

I look over to Aya to see that she is looking regretfully at me.

"I have not meant to upset you."

"Aya, I..." I sigh. What could I tell her? "It's... I just... I need to handle this by myself."

"I understand."

I hope so mush she does! I pull my history notebook out of my schoolbag and start reading the lessons. I pay less attention to them, and more to my memories with me and Ilana.

* * *

(FLASHBACK)

 _Ilana_ tuc _ked a few rebelious stray bangs out her eyes and behind one of her ears. I couldn't help but stare at her as she did so. She was wearing a grey knee-lenght dress, a black jacket over it, black leggings and black shoes. Her hair was loosen._

 _I was wearing a black t-shirt, a red jacket over it, black jeans and black boots. We were in my house, working at a school project. We were a team._

 _I looked down at what I'd written so far. It was enough for a day of work in which neither of us had been moving for a few hours._

 _"Bored, huh?" She asked._

 _"Huh?" I looked back at her. There was a small smile across her lips and a sparkle in her eyes. "N-no, I am..."_

 _"It's okay." She said and reached over the table, touching one of my hands. "I think we worked enough for today. Plus the presentation will be in two weeks so we have enough time."_

 _I nodded as she started packing her things up._

 _She smiled the whole time. When she was ready, she put her backpack over one of her shoulders, still smiling. "Are you going to take me to the door, Razer?"_

 _I cleared my throat nervously. "Y-yeah." I stammered and got up. We walk to the door and I opened it for her._

 _"Thanks." She said. "Bye, Razer."_

 _"Bye. So... see Monday at school?" Note: it was Sunday, October 27th 2013._

 _She frowned. "Yes. Um... you are coming to the Halloween party, yes?"_

 _I rubbed the back of my neck. "I don't know yet but I highly doubt that I will. I am not exactly a fan of parties."_

 _She made an 'aha' face. "Anyway, I've got to go now. Bye."_

 _"Bye." I said as she turned on her heels and left. I had been having a crus on her since I was 10 and I had planned to ask her out during our work at the project but I had been unable to gain my courage. And neither I was during our talk._

 _I sighed and went back inside._

 _"Aren't you gonna ask her out?"_

 _I looked up only to see my mother standing there, a small smile across her face. She was wearing a violet shirt, blue jeans and black sneakers and her hair was caught in a ponytail. "W-what?" I stuttered._

 _She laughed and approached me. "You were ready to do it so why didn't you?"_

 _I shifted my gaze to the floor._

 _"It's okay, honey. Ask her to go with you at the Halloween party. She will like it."_

 _I shook my head. My cheeks were starting to heat up. "She will probably come with one of her friends or she might refuse me. I don't want to embarrasse myself."_

 _"She's a nice girl, she'll accept."_

 _I huffed. "How could you know that?"_

 _"First: I was a teenager, too. Second: I am a mother. And third: she asked you if you will go to the party so I think she wanted you to invite her to go with you."_

 _I sighed. Shit, she was so right! Stupid, stupid, stupid!_

* * *

(END OF FLASHBACK)

I sigh for the probably millionth time this day. As if it was not enough what is going on in my head - a real storm - I have to deal with concentration problems. It doesn't happen too often to me, but every time it happens, I have no way of gaining focus.

Sigh.

I read the question again. And again. And again. And I have no idea what the answer is. I was supposed to know this shit, I was supposed to have studied it. French Revolution, not a funny thing. Especially if you have a bunch of dates and places and names. But that's history, isn't it?

I put the tip of the pen on the paper. Nope. Still no idea.

I sigh and get to the other question. I have 20 questions I have to answer at, only four I actually answered at and thought around 20 minutes for the others. Not a good think, knowing that the test is 45 minutes long.

I run one of my hands through my short locks of hair and blow out a sigh. I start forming some ideas in my head before writing them down. I don't know how correct is what I've written but at least I did write something.

I manage to get to the last question but a strange sensation takes hold of me. I gulp and start tapping my pen against the table.

"Razer?" I hear Aya whispering. "Is everything alright?"

I nod my head. "Yeah." I lie.

She gently touches my leg with hers. "You are aware that I do not believe you, are you not?"

I sigh and nod again. "I just need..." I stop myself and bring my hands to my mouth. I cough a little and raise my right hand. "Excuse me." The teacher looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes?" He asks.

"I... I am not feeling too well. May I go to the bathroom?"

"Did you finish the test?"

I look down at the papers. Four unanswered question and two with half-answers. I spent too much time thinking! Oh, fuck it! "Yes." I say and get up. I go to him and hand him the test. I look at Aya who is frowning at me.

"You may go now." The teacher says.

I cough and nod a 'thank you' before going to the door. I open it and step outside. I have a strange, burning sensation in my throat and I can feel my stomach drop. I close the door and one second later, I start running towards the toilet. I cough again and my legs are ready to give out. I run at full speed as I hear footsteps behind me. I turn my head around only to see Aya running behind me. My vision is blurred as I reach the boys' toilet. I storm in and shut the door closed. Fortunately, I'm alone. I go to the sink and start coughing again. I look at my own reflection in the mirror and grimace. My face is pale - well, paler than usually - and my eyes are starting to get teary, blurring my vision again. I shake my head as tears fall from my eyes and hit the sink. I sob quietly and rake my nails across the sink.

I can't take it anymore! I just... I just can't! Sniff. It hurts too much! It hurts like hell. No one could ever understand the pain I have been feeling. It's very powerful, ever-lasting and... and hard to contain.

I sniff and keep sobbing as a knocking sound makes itself known. Fuck! I wipe my tears away as the door cracks open.

"Razer?"

I sigh. "What the hell do you want now, Aya?" I snap and clench my fists. I look at my reflection in the mirror, wincing.

"I wish to talk to you. May I come in?"

"I don't give a damn!" I mumble.

She comes in and walks to me. It's a little weird, a girl into the boys' toilet. She places her hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. Tears start forming at the corners of my eyes. "Would you want to talk about what is troubling you?"

"No! I want to be alone!"

She sighs. "Razer..."

"Just... just leave."

"I will not. Please, you must talk!"

I glare at her, narrowing my eyes. "I don't. All I'm asking is you to leave me fucking alone! It's not too hard to get, Aya! I'm not comfortable to talk about this, I'm not comfortable to be near you, I'm not..." I stop myself from talking when I observe her expression. I growl as I feel rage growing deep inside of me. Pure rage. I always feel this way when I am not left alone, or when I'm being asked too many personal questions. Actually, I've been like this ever since Ilana died. It's not easy, dealing with me and my emotions.

It's a mixture of emotions: rage, sadness, hate, fear. And the most I feel, the worse it gets. It's... it's complicated to explain but every time this happens, I literally see red. I don't care what is going on, I don't care if there are people around me, I simply... lose my control. It's... it all starts with an unpleasant burning sensation in my throat, fists clenched so hard and a deep frown.

I fight back tears as more memories float in. "Why are you doing this to me, Aya?" I whisper through gritted teeth.

"What am I doing?"

"This!" I say louder. "Why are you so fucking interested in me and my life? You barely know me, you have to reason to be like this with me. You don't have to pretend you care what's going on, you don't have to be a fucking insistent person!"

"I apologize if my very presence is making you incomfortable. I simply wanted to help." She hisses and retracts her hand. "I was merely trying to help."

I sigh and splash my face with cold water. It's a comforting coldness, it helps. "You're still here!" I remind to Aya, seeing that she hasn't left yet. Why must this girl be this goddamn persistent?!

She sighs and places her hand back on my shoulder.

I sigh. "Go back to the class. I don't want you to get punished because of me."

"Your statement is irrelevant. It is not likely that I will be punished, and if I will be, it is not because of you?"

I roll my eyes. "Meaning?"

"I have already given the test. I am not needed there anymore."

"Why? Did you finish?" Probably it may sound weird, but Aya does care about her marks. She's one of the most intelligent people who has ever lived. And I... don't want her to get a bad mark because of me.

"Unfortunately I had three more questions to answer at and a question where I am not sure I answered correctely but I gave up, seeing in what state you were."

Oh. "I didn't... You shouldn't... uhh..." I stutter, trying to find my words.

"Your well-being is more important than that test is, Razer." She gives my shoulder another gentle squeeze.

"Why?" I manage to choke out, tears falling once again from my eyes. "I'm... I'm only a... a cursed, miserable person."

She sighs. "Razer, you most definitely are not what you consider yourself being."

I scoff. If she would know...

"You may not be aware, but there is something special and beautiful within you, and I am planning to get to it."

I shake my head and start sobbing quietly. "You don't understand, Aya."

"Then make me understand! Talk to me, explain it to me, allow me to help you!"

I scoff. "You really don't understand." I try to stop the falling tears. "It's... it's too painful to talk about."

"Razer, please!"

I look at her with a tortured look. "Just let me be. Please!"

She shakes her head. "You need to talk about your problems. It will help you."

I growl again and snatch out of her grasp. "Maybe I don't want help! Maybe I don't want to fucking talk! Why don't you understand all these? Why do you keep torturing me with all your questions? Don't you think of how hard that might hurt me?! Don't you realize it?! Answer me!" By the time I finish, I have already turned towards her. I grasp both of her wrists this time, and I glare at her with fierceness.

She gasps and her eyes widen. I see something flash within her eyes. Fear. I can tell she's terrified. I grit my teeth and tighten my grip on her wrists as she hisses. I start walking and slam her back against a wall. Her expression remains emotionless but I can say I am hurting her.

"Razer, let go of my wrists!" She says, struggling to get free.

I start digging my nails into her flesh, getting closer to her.

"Please..."

"You promised to never ask me about _her_!"

Her eyes narrow. "I did not ask you about Ilana. I adviced you to talk it out."

"I don't need your advices! I'm fine as I am!"

"I do not think you are. If you not talk it out, it will become stressful, it will keep hauting you until it will destroy you."

I sigh. "How could you possibly know that? Your life is perfect, you have no problem!"

"That may be so but..."

"No buts!" I hiss. "Just leave me alone! I don't need you, okay? I simply need loneliness!"

I slowly release her wrists and run one of my hands through my hair. I blow out a sigh and walk back to the sink. "Fuck it!" I growl and punch the mirror, breaking it. My knuckles start bleeding instantly and the red liquid flows down on the glass. I hear Aya gasp. It may seem weird but I feel no pain. At least not physical. It does not even hurt, it's like... my hand... no, it's like my whole body went numb. I let a few sobs escape my lips as I slowly retract my hand. I close my eyes and allow a few tears to fall.

I feel a soft and warm grip on my right wrist. "Why have you done this?"

I sniff. "Be-because I-I deserved i-it."

"I do not understand."

I scoff as she guides my hand back to the sink. "I told you you wouldn't."

"I request you to be silent." She mutters.

I hiss a little at the contact of warm water on my hand.

"It is not that I do not understand what you have done, I do not understand the reason why, I do not understand what prompted you to have this behaviour and think you deserve physical pain."

I manage to supress a moan as she starts massaging my hand, her fingers lifting away my blood. It is kind of... comforting. I sigh. "You want an answer, don't you?"

"Affirmative. And I would also like to know why you are bipolar."

"Bipolar?"

"A mental illnes in which someone experiences extreme changes of mood."

"I'm not bipolar."

"We have deviated from our previous talk. I do want an answer." She says and clutches my hand a little harder. I sigh and look down at our hands.

"I..." I slowly retract my hand from hers and clench my fist a couple of times. "You were right."

She cocks her head to the side. "With what?"

"It... it does have... something to do with... _her_."

She nods and clasps her hands in front of her. "Would you like to talk it out?"

I open my mouth and swallow. "I-I think so. W-would you be wi-willing to listen?" _Stuttering. Pathetic!_ I say to myself. _Shut up!_

"Of course!" She answers and looks at me straight in the eye.

I take a deep breath. "Today... it marks the anniversary wh-when me and I-Ilana had our... our first d-date..." I mutter, staring at my feet.

I hear her gasp. I look up at her to see tears welling in her eyes, her hands covering her mouth. Tears are starting to form in my own eyes. "I am so sorry, Razer. I did not know."

"N-no one does."

She lowers her hands and approaches me. She then does something I would have never expected her to do. She wraps her arms around my back and pulls me into a comforting embrace. I... I'm... pretty confused. I've nearly hit her and she... she did that! She... she is hugging me! It's... it's been so long since I've last felt such a warm touch. I've missed this kind of embraces, so warm... so... lovingly.

I find myself hugging her back, breathing into her mint scent. It is so... comforting! I bury my face in the crook of her neck, inhaling deeply. She gently strokes my back as I tremble against her. She holds me close as I start sobbing against her neck. I clench my eyes shut and clutch her tank top as tears flown down my cheeks. My nails dig into her skin through her clothes.

"It... it hurts so much!" I manage.

She stops massaging my back for a second before resuming. "I am aware."

I sniff. "I... I can't stand it, Aya. I simply can't!"

She sighs as more tears spill from my eyes. Crying! I'm pathetic! "Razer..."

I pull back a little and stare into those beautiful eyes of hers. Wait, what? I shake that thought off as she wipes my tears away.

"You must resist." She says as her hands cup my face. "I know you can."

"I..." I sigh once more. "We should get back to class now." I mutter and grab her wrists again. She hissed a little, causing me to release her and to look down. There are a few bruises on her wrist. I... I must have caused them earlier.

My eyes widen as I realize that probably I did hurt her. Fuck! "You have caused them to me when you have grabbed my wrists."

I run one of my hands through my hair and blow out a sigh. "Fuck! I'm sorry, Aya."

"It is alright. My status is fine."

I let out a low growl. "We must leave now." I say and take one of her hands in my own. Her hand is so warm, soft. I feel her tense up before relaxing. We walk out the bathroom and into the hallways. Fortunately, there is no one around us.

"I do not think you are in the state to return into the class." She says and gently caresses my hand with her thumb.

I look over at her. "What do you mean?"

She sighs. "The best location would be the yard."

"What the hell are you talking about, Aya?" I ask her as she drags me to the front door. What the hell is she doing?!

She sighs loudly. "We will skip classes."

"Wait, what?" I ask as we go outside.

"I do not think I should explain myself." She answers and drags me to a bench. She makes me sit down and then sits next to me. I slowly let go of her hand.

"Why did you bring me here?"

"To talk."

I sigh. "We have nothing to talk about. I just want this day to come to a fuckind end!"

"It will, if you stop thinking about it."

I blow out a sigh and watch the air go out of my mouth and turn into mist. It's 7th December and cold as hell. Okay, maybe it's not the best comparation but... it's really cold... at least for this period, in my opinion. "Look, this whole... 'I want to help you' thingy is kind of cute, but I highly doubt that you could ever help me."

"Razer..."

I stare at my feet. "You... you simply can't help me, Aya. No one can. It's just... I got used to it. It's the same thing every single day. You can't say you'll... take my pain away, because you will not. You don't even understand what I'm going through... what I've been going through." I stand up and get ready to leave but she grabs my wrist and pulls me down, making me sit again.

"I may not understand your pain, Razer, but I am aware of it. Your life and past are private, and I do respect that but, in turn, you must respect my decision, my choice." She says firmly and cups my face in her hands. "Just... accept this. Accept me. Please!"

I nod shakily as tears threaten to fall again.

"You are not in the mental state to return to the class." She murmurs and leans her head against my shoulder. I look at her as she blinks slowly. "I suggest you to stay here for a while."

"And what should I do?"

"Talk."

"About?"

"Anything. I would very much like to get to know you better."

"You don't back off too easily, do you?"

"Negative. I prefer to get everything done."

I chuckle. "So I have no chance of 'escaping' you, don't I?"

"That is correct."

"I think it's close to the break, the others will be here soon."

A grin plays across her lips. "I did not think you were afraid."

I cross my arms over my chest. "Shut it! I'm not afraid. I just hate having too many people around me."

"Then we will go to a more private location." She says and stands up. She grabs my wrist again and pulls me up.

"Where now?"

"The back of the building." She answers and starts walking away. I manage to get my hand out of her grip but I have no other choice than to follow her. No one usually comes here, and that's a good think. Who knows what they might think if they saw us?!

* * *

I delve my hands in the pockets of my jeans as I walk through the hallways of the school. As we walk.

I am with Aya. We have talked a whole hour about everything and nothing at once. She didn't push the subject of me and Ilana and I am grateful for this. I don't know how I would have reacted if she had.

She was cold, the wind started blowing but she refused to get back inside so I um... had to put one of my arms around her in an attempt to warm her up. She got closer to me and I... started to rub her arm, trying to give her some warmth. The truth is that I kinda hate coldness, I prefer warmth, hotness. So we... might have snuggled up a little against the other. The warmth of her body was comforting. She didn't seem disturbed by the fact that we were literally hugging. Not in the slightest.

We would have stayed more, had the bell not rung.

We are currently walking towards our classroom while everybody is going out. Our last class.

I've never thought Aya would skip classes. I've never thought she would skip classes for me!

A few girls from our class giggle as they walk past us. I hear them whisper something about me and Aya being 'friends with benefits'. How the fuck dare they?! We're not! I would never think about doing that to Aya, I would never think about her in that way! I would... I would never dare to... Ugh!

I let a low growl escape me as I look behind me at those girls.

"You have heard them too, have you not?" Aya asks.

I turn my head around and meet her gaze. "Yes. They are wrong, I would never think about you in that way."

Her brow furrows for a second before it becomes smooth again. The line I've said sounded a lot better in my head! "I am aware. You are much more than what they think you are."

I can feel my cheeks slowly heating up at her comment. Why is she this nice with me? "Um... thanks."

She giggles lightly. "They are just jealous. Do you not know what most of the girls from our class say about you?"

"That I'm a freak?" I shrug. "That's not something new."

She shakes her head vigurously. "They stopped saying that. Apparently, they are wondering why you have not yet dated any of them. They think that you are friends with benefits with someone."

"And they think this someone is you?"

"It seems so. They have never mentioned any name in my presence though."

I frown and raise an eyebrow. "When did you hear all these? From what I know, you don't go out with them."

"When we are getting changed for the physical education class. They are very talkative."

Oh. That makes sense! We reach the door and I open it, allowing Aya to go first. She smiles at me and goes in. I follow her, expecting the class to be empty but I spot Saint Walker and Ghiata here, talking.

"Where have you two been?" Ghiata asks. "You made us worry."

"Razer has not felt too good so we went outside." Aya answers, taking her white jacket on.

"Oh, I hope you are better now." Ghiata says.

"I am... a little better, thanks." I respond and go to my seat and put my jacket on before taking my schoolbag and throwing it over my shoulder.

"What did we miss?' Aya asks.

"Nothing interesting." Saint Walker answers. "We didn't write anything but we got a project about different subjects, all in pairing. We decided to do the project with our deskmate. You two were the only ones left. Your subject is electricity. The deadline is in January so you have enough time."

"Thanks. Let me guess, different deadlines?"

"Yes."

I nod as I walk to the door, the others being right behind me.

"Razer?" Aya asks and places on of her hands on my back.

"Yes?"

"We have decided to have some bonding time this Friday, to go out in other words. Would you like to come?"

"I don't think I..."

"I... We would really appreciate it you did."

I sigh. "I'm not... promising anything but... I might come." I answer and get out. I rush myself to go outside and get to my car as fast as possible. It's... cute that she's asked me to go with them but... I don't know what to say. I'm not much of a social butterfly, nor do I like too much going out. I prefer silence.

And there is also my uncle. He's not in the city today but he might come whenever he wishes. And my... so called 'duties' towards the mafia... No chance. I sigh and turn on the engine before starting to drive in whirlwind. I sigh as I leave the school's parking lot and drive towards my house.

I press the accelerator and see that I'm driving with 180 kmph. Well, at least I'm going to get home faster.

* * *

I sigh and walk inside the house. I lock the door and go into the living room where our maid - her name is Laira - is cleaning up. She is a red-haired woman with green eyes. Her skin is pale and she has a mysterious air around her. Her hair is long, and she wears it into a ponytail, leaving a few stray bangs fall in her eyes. She is dressed into a black and white dress.

She greets me friendly and I have to resist the urge to roll my eyes. "Would you like something to drink?" She asks.

"It's my house. If I want something, I'll take it. But I would like to be left alone!" I respond nonchalantly and walk to the stairs. I go to my room and shut the door closed after me. I throw my schoolbag on my bed and take my jacket off. I take my laptop and turn it on as I sit down on my bed. I enter the password and open up a file with pictures of me and Ilana. We have taken pictures of everything. We wanted to remember everything the way it was!

I sniff as I scroll through the photos. I still can remember every single thing! How and when and where I first asked her out, her clothes, her look, the sparkle in her eyes as she accepted, the sensation of her soft and warm lips against my cheek as she kissed me; our first date, the way she looked, the happiness from her eyes; our first kiss, my apparently calm demenour under that I had hidden my nervousness, her soft lips pressed against mine; our last kiss. Everything! And it hurts. It hurts so fucking much!

She was everything I had left, but I lost her too! Life is not fair. It is never fair! Not to me! Everything is literally screwed up!

I growl in annoyance and close my laptop. I kick my schoolbag out of the bed and it falls on the floor with a muffled THUMP.

I let myself fall on my back on the bed, groaning. I feel so alone! I hate this feeling, I hate letting it show. I... I hate depending on anybody else.

Ugh! I don't even understand what I'm thinking! My head is a real maze, and some of my thoughts make no sense, even for myself.

I sit up and look towards my bathroom door. I bite down on my lower lip and get down from my bed. I take small steps towards the door. I can hear my heart pounding fast and loud in my ears. Only a few feet away...

I reach the door and open it. Without even thinking of what I'm about to do, I walk in. I close the door behind me and gaze at my own reflection in the mirror. I take my shirt off and throw it on the floor.

My palms are starting to form tiny beads of sweat as I find a blade and take it. I study it for a few seconds before I lift my left forehead and place it on the sink edge. I get the blade closer to my skin and take a deep breath. I feel a burning sensation in my throat as the air goes in and out of my lungs.

I place the blade on my wrist. Its coldness is comforting, I welcome it against my burning skin. I slowly drag the blade across my wrist, not hard enough to penetrate my flesh though. I would bleed too deeply.

I focus on all my bad moments - that are a lot! - and press the blade a little harder. I hiss and look at my own reflection. My brow is furrowed, my lower lip bitten with concentration.

Cutting myself. _Pathetic!_ And not for the first time. I did it before, after my parents died, and after Ilana died. The pain was too much to bear. I needed a release, something to stop me from thinking solely at the loss of everything important in my life. Again, pathetic! And yet I can't help this urge. It's too powerful, too tempting for me not to give in into it.

I'm weak, it seems. Maybe too weak for this. I want to die but I also want to live.

And yet... all I do is to lament.

I'm good for nothing! But I don't care about it now.

I take a deep breath and press the blade harder, its edge making small drops of blood appear. I drag it along my wrist, this time applying more pressure. This time causing it to hurt me. Not that I mind. Physical pain is more welcomed than emotional. I know this. I did test it.

And I am doing it again.

It's a comforting pain. So good...

I lift the blade off a little before placing it downward and repeating the action. I do it again and again, enjoying the feeling, enjoying the cold sensation of the metal and the warm one of my own blood against my skin. It's strange, how much I love this...

A gasp escapes my lips as tiny beads of blood fall in the white sink, creating a weird yet beautiful contrast. White, so pure! And red, so destroyed!

I put the blade down and study my wrist. The wounds from months ago had already healed, but not my emotional wounds too. Each year is the same: pain, regret, sadness, remorse, escaping through cuts.

It's the only thing that can help me. It's the only thing that will help me!

I turn the water on and set it on cold. I place my wrist under it and watch as the blood is washed away. The cuts are not deep enough to have reached my veins. Not yet.

The coldness is comforting. It relaxes my tensed muscles. At least one thing is good today. Or in my fucking whole life!

* * *

 _Well, it's done. I had to change it a bit but I hope you like it. And sorry if it's a little too dark._

 _Well? Opinions? Advices? Comments and criticisms are welcomed but no flames please. Tell me what you think. Read and review please._


	5. Scream!

_Hey, guys! I'm back with a new chapter. Well, enjoy it._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing cause if I have had we would have seen many Razaya kisses._

* * *

I sigh heavily and stare at myself in the mirror as the blood is cleaned away by the water. Cold water and warm blood, such a strange combination! But so welcomed against my skin. It feels so good, having a release. I needed it. I needed it so badly! My pain is too much for me to bear, too strong to ignore, and too hard not to do something to stop it. And physical pain is so much better than emotional!

I turn the water off and examine my wrist. The wounds aren't too deep, and the pain is easy to bear, going almost imperceptible against my heartache. A heartache that hurts like hell and that can literally split me apart!

I sigh and make small steps towards the door as I hear the sound of a parking car in front of the house. It means only one thing: Atros is home.

I walk back into my room and pulls out a t-shirt from my wardrobe. I get dressed in it and look at my wrist for a moment. There are small drobs of blood threatening get to the sufrace of my skin. I ignore them and the small itch that the cuts make me feel and go out of my room in a rush. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near excited to see my uncle but I am curious on how the transaction went. Apparently, I'll be doing a lot of this stuff in the future.

Anyway, I reach the base of the stairs and Atros approaches me, smirking. He is wearing a red t-shirt, a red jacket over it, black jeans and red boots. "How... did it go?" I ask rather awkward. I'm sure not made for this stuff!

His smirk grows. "Just as I planned."

I nod and shuffle awkwardly.

"How was your day?" He asks.

I look over at him and see interes sparkling in his eyes. Or I'm just seeing things. I sigh and lower my eyes, staring at my feet. "Worse than usually." I mumble. "I couldn't focus on the history test and had to stay during the physics class outside because I wasn't feeling too good." I mute myself just as the words left my mouth. Stupid! Who have I told him what happened?! He doesn't care anyway!

"Oh."

And that's all he could ever vocalize! Ugh, why did I imagine, even for a second, that he would actually care about how my day was?!

"I'm sorry to hear that." He says in a low voice. I look up at him again and see sincerity plastered across his face. Sincerity and... regret. Or maybe I'm hallucinating? "Bad day, huh?"

I nod. "The worst. This day will always bring me bad luck." I mutter. "It's the day when... I had my first date with..."

"Ilana..." He finishes for me. "Yes, I remember. Your father told me how excited you were."

"Oh." My father... I think it's the first time when Atros has ever brought up something, anything, about my father. Well, not without me asking him. He always refused to talk about his brother, as if he was afraid of the subject. Maybe it sounds ridiculous... Anyway, from what I know, they were pretty close, always having each other's back.

"He also told me how much you liked her."

Like? Hell no! I loved and do love her. "He... he did?"

"Yes. We still talked... on the phone."

I rub the back of my neck and nod. "I see."

"Wait!"

"What?" I ask and hiss as he grabs my left forearm and examines my wrist. Some blood is present on the surface of my skin, creating a strange contrast. A few droops fall on the floor at our feet.

Fuck! I shouldn't have raised my left hand. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

"What is this?" He asks, studying my wrist carefully.

"Nothing important." I mutter and try to snatch my arm away but his grip tightens.

"Nothing important?!" He growls through gritted teeth. "This is more than important, Razer! You should have not done it."

I growl. "Why do you care anyway? You never behaved like I was family, why are you doing it now?!"

He sighs. "You may not think it through, Razer, but I do. I was once like you."

I narrow my eyes. "What's your point? Why are you pretending you care when you don't?"

"You are part of my family, Razer, the only thing left from my brother. If you think I don't care about you, about my own family, you are dead wrong! I was supposed to not let this happen!" He says with a growl that makes me think he's right. I look at his face and see only honesty in his eyes. "Why did you do it?"

"Y-you wouldn't understand." I answer, my voice shaking.

He growls. "Typically teenager! Of course I would understand! I was once like you, Razer. I had done the same thing you did, thinking it would help, believing it would make me feel better. In reality, all it did was to hurt me more. I nearly died because of this had your not my brother saved me."

I gasp. "Wh-what?"

"I was almost unconscious on the floor when he found me. Without him, I would have been dead for a long time ago."

I move my gaze to the floor, staring at my feet.

"Nothing is worth doing this to yourself, Razer!"

Not even a broken heart?

"Look at me, kid."

I shake my head no.

"Look at me!"

I look up at him and get met with a disappointed glare. "I... I..."

"I know what you're going through, Razer."

I narrow my eyes and growl at him. How can he fucking know?! He's been making me go through this! "You're so dead wrong! You have no idea what I'm feeling! Nor do you care."

He sighs. "As I said, I had been through similar things."

I scoff. "I don't care!"

"You should. What you did is not the answer, and you know it. If you think this is going to help you, then you're dead wrong."

I snatch my arm out of his hold. "Shut the fuck up!"

He blinks rapidly, as if not getting what is going on. Bullshit! He knows exactly what is going on. "Grab a jacket. I'll wait you outside." He says.

"What?"

"I think you need a break from all these and I know what might help you. Do as I say."

I watch him as he leaves. How the hell can he be this calm?! I've never seen him like this!

I sigh and go back to my room, ignoring everything around me. I run into my bathroom and clean my wrist again, avoiding to hurt myself again and then get back to my room. I pull out a grey checkered shirt and a black jacket and put them on. I put my phone and earplugs into a pocket from my jacket for any eventuality and run one of my hands through my hair before rushing downstairs. It's not like I'm looking forward to seeing Atros again but I'm pretty sure it would not end too good for me if I didn't hurry up. I can never know how long lasts a good mood of his.

I go outside and see him into his car. Great! He makes me a sign to get in and I have no other choice than to comply without complaining. I open the door for the passanger seat and get into the car. I pull my phone and earplugs out of my pocket and look at Atros as he starts the engine. "Where are we going?" I ask a little hoarsely.

"You will see. I was planning on taking you to a transaction which you would have finished..."

"W-what transaction?" I ask, dreading of the answer.

"Guns. Long story. The point is, I phoned Zox, he'll do it for you."

I roll my eyes. "Again, where the hell are we going?"

"As I said, you will see."

I sigh and put my earphones in, turning the volume as high as possible. Music is my escape, my way of forgetting and blocking everything out. It's my only mean of surviving. I close my eyes and lean my head back against the seat, taping my foot against the floor along with the beat. The first song that plays is the only one I don't want to hear, but I do it anyway. It's 'Lost' from Red and it brings me only memories, giving me a bitter taste. It reminds me so much of Ilana, of the fact that I lose her. It makes me wish I were dead, it makes me want to die.

I fight the urge of murmuring the lyrics and get content with only taping my fingers against my legs. I sigh and crack my eyes open, looking outside the window at the passing cars. There are times like this, when I'm watching other people, that I wonder: Has anybody ever felt what I feel? Have they ever felt as if they were used, confuse, depressed or useless? Because I know I feel all of these. Have they ever suffered from a broken heart after someone close to them died or simply decided to leave them by themselves? Because I have and still do. Have they ever wanted to disappear, to run away or to scream? Yes, to scream. Not a simple scream, something you make out of habit, but a real one. To scream their pain out, to scream from the top of their lungs that they are unhappy, to let the world know how miserable they feel they are. Because this is surely what I would like to do. And if they do all of these, how many other people would care? I such a world... maybe no one. But I know I would. This is my problem. I care and think way too much. I don't know how to stop caring nor do I know how to stop overthinking and be spontaneous.

Out of the subject, I know. But after all, what's the subject? My life? Who would want to know about the life of a miserable teenager?

...Maybe I would. I know how it is when no one cares. It hurts like hell. So I would care.

I feel a tap on my shoulder as my earphones are being pulled out. I look at Atros who makes me a sign to get out of the car. I've been so caught in my own thoughts that I didn't notice when we arrived to... wherever we were supposed to arrive. I put my phone and earphones back into the pocket.

We get out of the car and he locks it. I look around us and frown slightly. It's... the Central Park? Perfect! Absolutely nothing can compare to a walk with your violent uncle into a park in a shitty day of Monday when you feel like dying, can't it? Ugh, why not killiling me now?!

He places on of his hands on my shoulder and starts walking, making me do the same. We walk into the park and I delve my hands into the pockets from my jacket. I lower my eyes and stare at my feet as the wind starts blowing.

"The blade habit..." He starts awkwardly.

I sigh.

"When did it start?"

"Years ago. I... I picked it up after... the death of my parents... and Ilana..."

"How often?"

"For... weeks. I... do it... when it's one of those faithful days... that mark something in my life with them... I keep going for... weeks until the pain dims itself. It... helps me."

He strokes my shoulder. "I know it seems like the only relief but, trust me, it is not. I won't heal your broken heart."

"It kills me slowly." I mutter. "I'm aware of it."

"If you'd be aware you wouldn't do that anymore!" He snaps and tightens his grip on my shoulder.

I hiss. "Why do you care anyway?!"

"I just do."

I roll my eyes. "Whatever!"

We walk in silence and I can't help but look around us. There are not too many people here, mostly there are present lovers, couples who wanted a walk, a few parents with their children and a few people with their dogs. Not that I don't like this 'people-less' place, I actually do like it. I appreciate silence.

"You don't talk too much, do you?" Atros finally speaks up.

I roll my eyes. Thanks for noticing. I nod my head.

"You have to speak up."

I nod again.

He sighs and pats my back. "You remind me of your father."

I look up at him with a confused expression. "W-what...?"

"He was quiet, he enjoyed silence."

I already knew that.

"He didn't like talking too much, for him everything was short and on point. But he liked listening to other people talk. He was a good listener and most of the time had the best advices."

"When I heard you talk that day..."

"I knew you did. It was the last time when I saw him." His voice lowers and his expression darknens.

"Did he do..."

"Yes."

"How did you end up... in the mafia?"

"Because of me."

I frown slightly. I never knew the real story of who my father was. "H-how?"

He sighs. "He was five years older than me. I was the issue kid. I would always get in trouble and he would always help me. It all started when I was fifteen. I was a real rebel, never listening, always ignoring what my parents would tell me." My grand-parents... I only met them a couple of times, they died when I was 10 or 11, I don't remember too well. "I got into a big trouble because I had fucked up something and ended up having get into a drug dealer."

I gasp.

"The ones who made me do so threatened me to kill my family so I had to accept. I tried to sneak out the house over midnight but your father heard me and stopped me. I had to tell him the truth and he decided to help me. I didn't know why he did that, he was a college student, was the best and had everything he could wish for. Everybody thought he was perfect, and they were all right." He sighs and makes a small pause. "He came with me and we almost got killed. He had my back and we escaped. The guys that haf made me to that... decided to test us out. One year later, we were the best. We became leaders. Meanwhile, only he was having a second life. I was entirely focused on what I had been doing. And so, we kept advancing, becoming the best, finding new people."

I swallow and look up at the sky, following a cloud with my eyes. "What happened after? How did you... quit?"

"Years kept passing. Over five. Meanwhile, he had met your mother, they were the best from their class. After graduating, they kept in touch."

I nod slightly, my thought flying. The thing I remember the best about my father is his gaze: icy cold. He had dark, cold and mysterious blue eyes. I always knew he was hiding a secret, he was very reluctant regarding talking about his past, I think I now know why.

"They were best friends."

That's an aspect I remember. They would always talk like best friends, behave like two lovers. "Did my mother know anything about... his business?"

"A little part, yes. But the truth was far from her. When he decided to quit, he did it for her. He told her some things about what he had done, hoping for her to forgive and accept him. Of course, they had started dating long before he told her that."

"Then when did he..."

"A few months before proposing to her."

I gasp. I was not expecting that. "And you...?"

"Me?" He shrugs carelessly. "I remained the same life-free person. Still the 'problem kid' with a problem bigger than me."

I was not expecting that either.

"I tried to accept his decision but couldn't. How could I? I came into this city and started coordonating everything. It all went well, until I needed the help of my brother again."

I frown slightly.

"So I came to visit you. I wasn't thinking straight, I was helpless and needed his or somebody else's help desperately. I asked him to come back into the business one more time, so I could get out of trouble."

My uncle? Asking for help? That must have been something very serious.

"It seems unbeliavable, I know. And yes, it was serious."

"Huh?"

"You said it out loud."

I give him a sheepish smile. I did not mean that aspect to be out loud. "Oh. He didn't accept, did he?"

He shakes his head. "No, he didn't. It was for the first time when he refused to help me. I didn't expect him to sa 'no'. He had always been supportive of me, even of my bad decisions." He sighs and stops talking, his expression darkening.

We spend the next few minutes walking in silence. I open my mouth to speak but close it a moment later.

"I was surprised by his response." Atros speaks up again. "I tried to reason with him but he would not listen."

Sometimes, when my father was convinced he was right, he would never listen to what other people say, nor would he argue because they think different. He only tried to make them think like him but if he didn't succeed, he would give up and hope they would see the things in the way he saw them. I admire him for this, for his courage to stand up against the world even if no one stood up with him. I know he was an admirable man.

"He... said he couldn't help me anymore. And that's when you got in our discussion."

I look at him with a raised eyebrow. "You wanted me to... do that for you?"

He shakes his head and chuckles lightly. It's just me or this day has just gotten weirder? "No, of course not. Not at that age, anyway. I just suggested him that you might be better than we were."

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. Yes, I am sure!

He sighs and pats my back. "And then... the disaster stuck. I... never thought I wouldn't see him again."

I sigh as my eyes are starting to get teary. This is not an opportune time to become emotional!

"I'm sorry... for what happened to him." He mumbles and squeezes my shoulder.

"It was not your fault." I try to assure him.

"Maybe it was."

I frown slightly and look at him. "What do you mean?"

"I recall that when we were kids... every time someone would say something he didn't agree with or that bothered him, he would keep thinking about it, become obssessed with it for days on end, sometimes over a week. I believe..."

"He was thinking about that." I finish for him.

"Exactly." He sighs and pats my back. "I'm sorry for that."

I nod as tears blur my vision. I blink them away and shake my head.

"As I said, Razer, you remind me of him. You have a lot in common with him and you both share the same potential."

Oh. I... never knew.

"Although he was a realistic person, he had an uncommon optimism, always hoping for the best. I always wondered how he was able to do that despite everything. He sometimes was carefree, a free spirit."

"Oh."

"But he cared about everybody. He... would never let anybody down. He was there for everybody, even when no one was there for him."

I sigh bitterly. Those are things I... haven't known about him. Well, not all of them but still... I was his son, I was supposed to know... Ugh!

* * *

I blow out a sigh and let myself fall on my bed. I have just returned home from the walk with Atros. We kept talking about my father, about our... family and... about what is left from it. Funny. I had never thought we would do that. I must admit it, the talk helped me... a little.

I stand up and take my shirt off of me, remaining into the grey t-shirt from earlier. I take my earphones and put them on while making myself comfortable in my bed. I press 'Play' and the first song from my playlist starts playing. It's 'Scream' from Thousand Foot Krutch. I simply love this song! I feel that it captures my feelings, my thoughts... my personality.

 **I can't erase it anymore**

 **It follows me everywhere I go**

 **It's like a mask that I don't want to wear anymore**

I sigh and start tapping my fingers against the sheets. I so know that feeling!

 **I think I've found a way to let it go**

 **But it's still too soon to know for sure**

I bite my lower lip hard and start humming the lyrics. Weird? I hope not.

 **I'd give everything I am**

 **To just feel somethin'**

 **Can you feel that?**

 **Scream! When the pressure breaks me**

 **When it's too hard to see**

 **When I feel like I'm at the end of my rope**

 **One more time**

Ah, why do I feel like this song captures what I want to do? I know, illogical question. Of course it captures me! I am alone, I am so frustrated, so irritated that I want to scream, to let it all out. I want to make myself heard, to make the others understand what I'm going through. I want to scream my pain out, to let everybody know what I am feeling. I need to do this, I need it so goddamn much! No one knows what I'm going through, I'm considered just that weird kid that doesn't talk to much and whose life seems too boring to be known by others but I'm not this. I know it, I feel it. They don't know me, they just judge me, but if I scream, will they listen? Will they find out how they've been making me feel? Will they understand the hell I've been put to go through? I kinda doubt that. But still... I want to make them realize I suffer, I want... No! I need to... to let my feeling out.

 **Scream! When the fire burns me**

 **When it's hard to break free**

 **When I feel like I'm standin' on the edge**

 **Of it all this time**

Sometimes... everything makes me wanna scream. My life is so messed up that I don't even do what to do anymore. I have to deal with all this while pretending not to to feel anything, not to care. Byt I do feel! I feel so many things and it's so goddman hard for me to understand myself! There are times when all I want to do is to never get out of the house, but there are times when I want to get as far from here as possible. My life is a constant battle between these two. There's no in between.

I have a maelstrom of emotions, something that it's hard to understand and can only be felt. I'm flooded with guilt, pain, sufferince and... - who knows? - maybe even depression? I... I don't know. Nor do I care now... The point is... I won't be able to take it anymore. I know it will happen. And... maybe I'm afraid of the day when I'm going to let it ALL out.

It's so goddamn hard to cope with all these! It's so hard to deal with myself, with my own feelings, with my own thoughts! I need a break, I need to get away from all these! I... I need to be by myself, just me and my thoughts, at least for a while. Sigh. Like that it would be possible! But it's not. Unfortunately. Or... maybe fortunately? I... don't even know what is better. To leave or to stay? Honestly... none. I know, I know. It makes no sense. But for me it does. It's... hard to explain. Leave... and be present at the same time; and stay... but not be here.

Nonesense! It doesn't make any sense, it doesn't help me. The only thing that would help me it is a scream from the top of my lungs which I would put my whole feelings in. I know. Impossible. But... you never know.

Sigh. Why is it so hard? Everything is so complicated at this point...

There are so many things going on in my mind. A real battle between my own feelings, each of them trying to dominate me. So many unspoken things... I want to shout, to let it go, to... to take it out on something. I want to get it under control again, I want my life to get back to normal. But... what does 'normal' mean for me now? I don't even remember what it means.

Maybe I'm afraid of it? Maybe I'm afraid of going back there. I had barely been able to go through that once back then and if I had to do it again I would probably lose my minds. This considering that I haven't already done.

I sigh and close my eyes, draping a blanket over my body. I curl up, still listening to music as I feel myself slowly calming down and drifting away to the sweet embrace of sleep. At least there I can get some peace from...

* * *

 _And... it's ready. Speak sincerely, you didn't expect Atrocitus to try and comfort Razer, did you?  
_

 _I hope you like it._

 _Well? Opinions? Advices? Comments and criticisms are welcomed but no flames please. Tell me what you think. Read and review please._


	6. The desire of one's heart: Part I

_Hey, guys. Here's something to cheer you up if you had a bad day or to simply end your day in a cute manner. You'll figure out what I'm talking about once you finish the chapter. Look out for the key word:_ _ **kiss**_ _._

 _Well, enjoy it._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing cause if I have had we would have seen many Razaya kisses._

* * *

I let out a low groan and roll over onto my side, hugging my pillow. I keep my eyes shut tightly as I try to fall asleep again but it's to no avail.

I open my eyes, trying to get rid of the blur from my vision. I yawn and roll on my back, stretching out.

Something is weird. I feel... different. Better than usually. Hmm... this is something new. I feel... good, quite relieved. This has never happened before. Well, not over the past three years.

But it's strange. I had almost forgotten how it is to feel this way, it's a quite... pleasant sensation.

I look lazily towards my electronic watch. It reads 4:58 am. Well, not that I'm not used to getting up at this hour, or even early, but this time I would have appreciated sleeping more.

This is so unlike me!

I sigh and sit up, rubbing my eyes with the back of my palms. I look on my bed, trying to find my phone. I spot its form under the blanket and take it out, staring at the black screen for a few good seconds.

Am I going crazy?

Let's hope I am not. That's not something I want to deal with, especially when I have many other things to deal with.

Like school, for instance. I sigh and get off my bed, shivering as my bare feet touch the cold floor. I look down at myself and raise an eyebrow.

What the hell am I doing?!

I throw my phone back on my bed and run one of my hands through my hair as I walk towards my bathroom. I look at my reflection in the mirror, cringing when I see my hair ruffled and sticking in every direction.

I shake my head and take my clothes off before taking a long hot shower to relax me.

I walk out of the shower cabin once I am done and wrap a towel around me, after drying my body. I stop in front of the mirror and blink fast as I study myself. I shake my head and reach for the blade.

One more time...

I fiddle with it, turning it between my fingers. I take a deep breath and slowly drag it along my left wrist. I apply some pressure and manage to make a cut it my skin. Not deep enough to reach my veins, though. I'm not crazy, I don't want to die. Well, not yet anyway.

I watch as small drops of blood appear at the surface of my skin, creating a strange contrast. I lift the blade and move it, repeating the action.

It doesn't hurt too much, I can barely feel the pain. It is as if my arm has gone numb.

I do it over and over again, covering my wrist in small, bloody cuts. I turn the water from my sink on, cleaning the blade up. I make sure to put it back before sticking my hand under the water, letting it wash the blood away. I sigh and watch as my wrist gets cleaned away, gently running my fingers over the fresh cuts.

I wish I could stop. I wish it so badly, but I can't stop. Not now. Not yet. I need... some more time.

I hang my head and blow out another sigh. Pathetic! I turn the water off and open the door, going back into my room. I walk to my wardrobe and look through it, searching some clothes. Why do I bother anyway? They all are either black, red or grey.

I shrug and pull out a black t-shirt, a red checkered shirt, a pair of black jeans and a black hooded winter jacket. I throw them on my bed before putting the jeans and t-shirt on. I walk to my desk and put my notebooks and books in my schoolbag. I sigh and place it on the chair before walking back to my bed and putting the shirt on. I put my phone into a pocket from my jeans and take the jacket and car keys in one hand and my schoolbag in another as I head to the kitchen. I know it's still too early for school but I have to make a stop before.

I walk into the kitchen and place my jacket and schoolbag on a chair. I take a quick breakfast and then get dressed into my jacket, pulling the zipper up. I put my schoolbag over one of my shoulders, grab my car keys and walk towards the garage.

* * *

I take a deep breath as I step out of my car. This will not be too easy. I walk to the front door, my heart pounding fast in my ears.

Why am I being this nervous?! It's not like I'm going to ask her on a date, I'm just here to say 'hello'! Calm down!

I raise my right hand up and ring the doorbell. I wait patiently a couple of seconds until I hear footsteps and a quite hoarse 'coming' from inside. I shuffle nervously and watch as someone opens the door.

"Kid? What are you doing here?" Mr. Jordan asks. He is clad in a tuxedo, seeming ready to leave.

"I... uhh..." I babble, trying to speak. Why am I stuttering?!

He raises an amused eyebrow and crosses his arms over his chest. "You okay, kid?" He asks and eyes me up. His gaze falls upon a teddy bear from my arms and his eyebrow rises slightly. Damn! "What's with that?"

Sigh. I have just bought it for Aya as an 'I'm-sorry-for-being-a-jerk-with-you-yesterday' gift. I don't exactly know what she likes so I thought that a plush toy might suffice. "I..."

"You brought me an early Christmas present?" He asks, let's hope jokingly. "How sweet and thoughtful of you but you didn't have to. Though, seeing what a sweet gesture you are making, I can't help but accept it." He says and reaches out his hand.

"Actually, this is for Aya. I... screwed something up and decided to fix it but... buying something for her." I mumble.

He blinks rapidly, as if processing what I've just said. "Oh... I see. So you two are dating?" I can feel my cheeks heating up at his apparently 'innocent' question. "She's never told me. When did it start?"

I shuffle nervously. "Actually, I..."

He chuckles. "I hope what you said you screwed up was not my daughter."

My blush deepens, in both embarrassment and rage. "I would never do something like that to her!" I snap at him and growl.

He raises his hands up. "I didn't say you would, I was just making sure of what happened. I'm glad to hear you didn't get too far with her. I know you're a good kid and I trust you with her."

I open my mouth to correct him regarding my relationship with Aya. "Actually, I am not..."

He cuts me off with a pat on my shoulder. "She's in her room, reading I guess. You can go to her, do you know where it is?"

I nod slightly. "Yeah, first floor."

He raises a curious eyebrow. "O-kay?! Anyway, I gotta go. Just don't rush the things between you, she's very unexperienced with this relationships stuff. Oh, and before you get even the slightest thought of bedding my daughter any time too soon, you should remind yourself that I'm allowed to kill any person that I find like a threat. Got it?"

I swallow hard. "First of all, yes, I got it. Secondly, me and Aya are not dating, we are just friends. And third, how can you be this calm when you talk about that kind of aspects?"

He shrugs. "It's good to hear that. I could swear there was something going on between you but, well, I guess I was wrong. And I dunno, I guess it's just because of my job that doesn't allow me to be nervous or stressed. Well, gotta go now, kid. See ya." He answers in a rush and walks to his car.

Right... That was... odd.

I shake my head and walk into the house, heading towards Aya's room. I get upstairs and take small steps towards her room, my heart beating fast. Why am I being so nervous?!

I knock twice. "Aya? It's Razer. May I come in?" I ask and shuffle nervously, waiting her answer.

"Razer?" Comes her surprised voice from the other side of the door. "Y-yes... you may." She mutters and I can clearly hear some nervousity in the tone of her voice. I turn the knob and open the door, walking into her room and closing the door behind me. I frown slightly when I see her on her bed, her eyes glued on a book.

"Um... hi?" I mumble, slightly unsure of myself.

She lifts her gaze to mine, a small smile adorning her face. "Hello." She says.

I take a moment to observe her. She is wearing a green blouse that reveals a small part of her cleavage, white jeans and white boots. On the bed next to her there is a black winter jacket and some keys over it. "Hi." I mumble and walk to her.

She raises an eyebrow and puts a book mark in her book before placing the book away. "Is there something wrong, Razer?" She asks, her voice sounding slightly concerned.

I shake my head. "No... I just... brought you this." I mumble awkwardly, a blush making its way to my cheeks as I hand her the teddy bear. "I'm sorry... for the way I behaved with you yesterday." I mutter as she acccepts my gift with a small smile.

"It is alright, I have already forgiven you." She says and places the plush toy next to her on the bed. "But it was a very sweet gesture from you, thank you."

I nod and rub the back of my neck nervously. "You are welcome, I guess." I mutter awkwardly and she makes me a sign to sit down. I nod and sit on her bed, a few inches between us, as I take my jacket off and place it next to me.

"Is... there something else you want to talk about?" She asks and leans in closer. My eyes dart over her face as I study her more close. I can't help but notice the light green eye shadow she used, or the black mascara that adorn her already long eyelashes. "Razer?" She whispers after what seemed like a million years, her voice soft and warm and full of concern. "Everything is alright, yes?"

I nod slightly. "Yeah... I guess." I mumble and frown.

She sighs softly and I can't help but stare as her chest as it rises and falls while the air gets in and out of her lungs. I blink fast as I find myself following the edges of her blouse with my eyes, my thoughts taking me somehwere they shouldn't.

"Razer, are you listening?" I hear her voice faintly, a quite frustrated note present in her tone.

I tear my gaze away from her cleavage and look up at her, my cheeks starting to heat up. What the hell is wrong with me today?! "I... yeah, sorry. I... I was just a little... distracted." I mutter and turn my head around, staring at a wall.

She sighs again and comes closer to me, cupping the side of my face in her palm and turning my head to look at her again. I feel my blush deepen at our proximity but she doesn't seem to be bothered by the fact that there are only a few inches between our lips.

Damn! What am I thinking?! And more important, why am I thinking this way?!

"Is everything alright, Razer? Are you alright?" She asks softly, her voice showing concern, as she brushes her thumb over my cheekbone.

I nod and try to pull myself out of her hold but I find myself unable to. I clear my throat exaggerately as I try to put some space between us but she places her other hand on my right thigh, her touch sending shivers through me.

I swallow nervously as I feel the temperature rising. This can not be happening!

I part my lips slightly as I find it hard to breathe and I can feel her eyes on me, following my every movement.

"Razer..." She whispers and trails off, biting her lower lip for one short moment.

I can't help but stare at her lips, so close to mine, so tempting. "Aya..." I whisper as well, my voice slightly hoarse as I haven't used it in years. I swallow nervously as I find myself leaning in, slowly but surely invading the space between our bodies. Our knees come in contact as I place my hands o her shapely hips and she lifts her hands to my chest, gripping my shirt tightly in her fists as she leans as well, her eyes sparkling with both curiousity and desire. I fix my gaze on her lips as I feel myself being drawn towards them, the need to touch and feel them taking over me. She seems to be feeling the same way that I am.

I start closing my eyes and she follows my example, her eyelids slowly covering her beautiful eyes. I bring one of my hands up, cupping the side of her face in my palm and feeling her warm skin against mine, and try to break the distance between us faster.

I want to kiss her, I am sure of it! I want to kiss her desperately, to hold her, to touch her! I yearn to feel her soft lips pressed against mine, her body close to mine.

Just a few more seconds, just a few more centemeters and it's done. Just a little more.

I nuzzle her nose with mine and she gasps quietly, her hot breath curling over my lips, sending tingling sensations through my nervous system. I tilt my head to the side, readying myself to feel her lips, to kiss her the way I want to, the way she wants me to...

I can't help it, the desire is too powerful to stop now. But I don't want to stop. I want to continue. Badly!

I am able to feel the heat of her breath against my skin as I get closer and closer to her. Just a little more...

* * *

 _Well, that's all for now. To get more details about what happens please wait patiently for the next chapter._

 _Seeing as it's almost Valentine's Day I wanted to write something happier for our favorite couple and this seemed the cutest thing possible. Don't say I'm not right because I know I am. Anyway, enough with my rambling._

 _I hope you liked it._

 _Well? Opinions? Advices? Comments and citicisms are welcomed but no flames please. Tell me what you think. Read and review please._


	7. Trial

_Hiya guys. Wow, I can't believe it took me over three damn months to finally finish this chapter. Sorry for the long wait but I've been really busy with school and some projects I'm implied in and that's only the beginning... Anyway, thee will be introduced a new character in this chapter and I'm sure you all are going to like her. No spoilersw beforehand though.  
_

 _Well, enjoy it._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing cause if I have had we would have seen many Razaya kisses._

* * *

I swallow hard as I walk, attempting to ignore the lump that has been forming at the back of my throat ever since hearing what I have to do.

This is sick! This is fucking sick! How the hell is he expecting to finish this?! How the hell is he expecting me to even start it?!

I put a shaking hand on the knob and open the door, going into the room. I hang my head and close the door behind me, locking it. I throw my backpack against a wall and the impact makes a muffled THUMP.

I make out the silhoutte of a girl on the giant bed and I walk towards it, flicking the lamp from the bedstand on. I blink fast as the lamp makes a soft glow, illuminating the whole room and allowing me to see the girl better. I purse my lips together in a flat line as I let my eyes travel over her body. She looks so fragile! She is pale, sign that she's been locked here a lot longer than necessary, her hair has a redish color - but now it seems more like a faded one - and is spread all over the pillows.

I feel my stomach drop at the sight of cuts, bruises and scratches over her arms, neck and legs.

Those sick bastards!

I blow out a deep sigh and run one of my hands through my hair as I can't help but notice her wrists being handcuffed against the bedpost.

That's so sick!

I sure as hell can't do this! She doesn't deserve it, regardless of what she supposedly did.

A low moan escapes her as her eyelids flutter open and I can't help but gasp at the look of innocence from her face as she looks straight at me. Or... through me...?

She blinks fast as she tries to get used to the light from the room and I take a step closer to the bed. She gasps and looks up at me with bright green eyes that spark with fear.

"No..." She whispers, her voice hoarse as she eyes me up. "No... Pl-please no... Please d-don't..." She mumbles over and over as she starts struggling as if trying to get her wrists out of the handcuffs.

I let my eyes wander over her body again and feel myself getting sick as I notice her almost torn yellow shirt - that allows me to see a white bra - and extremly short skirt. "I..." I start only to get cut off when a low sob escapes her.

"Please... d-don't hurt me. I-I... I c-can't ta-take it any-anymore..." She manages between sobs.

Anymore? That's so fucking sick!

I ignore her as I sit down next to her, reaching one of my hands to touch her.

She hisses and struggles again, sobbing and mumbling incoherent words. What the hell have they been doing to her?

I graze the back of my hand over her cheek and a grimaces contorts her face. "Shh..." I whisper and lean down. "I'm not going to hurt you." I mumble as cup the side of her face in my hand.

She looks at me with wide eyes, her expression hopeful before fading to one of unbelief. "Y-you're ly-lying. Yo-you're fucking lying!" She screams and tears her face out of my hold. "Wh-what's go-gonna be this time? Huh?"

I frown slightly at her words and let my hand descend to her neck. She hisses as I gently run the tips of my fingers down her throat before reaching her chest. I sigh and unbutton her shirt completely, safe for the already snapped buttons, before gently removing as much from the shirt I can and revealing her upper body part. I gasp in horror as I see various bruises and cuts over both her stomach and neck. I swallow hard and graze the back of my hand over her abdomen, which she contracts in a futile attempt to make me pull away. I sigh and look up at her face in time to see tears welling at the corners of her eyes as a both dreadful and disgusted expression places itself across her face. I shake my head slightly and somehow manage to give her a slight smile as if to tell her to calm down but it's obvious that she is unable to. Fuck! I'd be too if I was her!

Okay... Well, that didn't exactly sound as planned.

She clenches her eyes shut and sobs silently as I move my hand downward, running the tips of my fingers over her thighs. "Wh-why...?" She whispers hoarsely and lifts her legs up, trying to kick me.

"What 'why'?" I reply in response and gently lower her legs back on the bed.

She opens her eyes and blinks fast as if I had another head. "Why a-are you... in-inspecting me?"

Oh. That! I look down at her stomach and sigh, shrugging lightly. "I... don't know. I want to see what state you're in, I guess."

She huffs out a weak, sarcastic laugh. "Oh please! What could be so interesting at me? You're here just to... y'know. So... what are you waiting for?" She asks with a touch of sarcasm in the tone of her voice. "An invitation? Instructions? Indications? Or you want me to give you directions?" I open my mouth to speak but she cuts me off with a bitter laugh. "How's it gonna be, huh? You're the bad boy and I'm the innocent girl? Or you're the nice cop and I'm the helpless girl?"

Excuse me?! Is this the same girl that minutes earlier was begging me not to hurt her? "Um... what?"

She shakes her head and gives me a sad smile. "Hey, don't be shy. Every man has fantesies. Why wouldn't you too? C'mon, be brave! Let yourself go with the flow. I'm not going anywhere any time too soon, as you can very well see, so let yourself get carried away." She says and sighs kind of dreamily but I can say from her expression that she's terrified.

I shake my head and blow out a deep sigh. "Look..." I start only to get cut off once again as she laughs bitterly.

"Don't take me with all those sweet words, okay? I'm done believing them! So just start it so I can it fast. C'mon, don't by shy! Fuck away!"

My eyes widen slightly in horror at her use of words. "I... What the hell are you saying?"

She shrugs almost carelessly. "What? Haven't you heard a girl talk like this? Too bad. It's fun." She rolls her eyes and shifts slightly. "Are you really gonna keep talking or actually do something? It's really boring here without any action, y'know."

I hang my head and stare at her stomach. Have they drugged her or something? "Oh I do know!" I answer. "There's one fucking problem though. I've never wanted to do this!"

She laughs weakly. "Yeah, sure. You're a guy, for God's sake! Of course you'd want to do this!"

I shake my head. "No... Not like this! I can't do this! I don't want to do this, I'm... I'm not like that. I might actually think about helping you get out of here than doing that to you." I mutter and look up at her face, almost gasping as I see hope sparkling in her eyes. "I don't even... I don't even know who you are... what you supposedly did or why..." I trail off, pointing at her bruised body.

She nods. "I know but why would you care? C'mon, it's not like you actually want to help me." She sighs and swallos hard. "You can say that you'll help me but in the end you'll..." She trails off, more tears welling in her eyes but she blinks them away. "No one before you cared anyway." She whispers hoarsely and looks down at herself, grimacing.

I frowns slightly and follow her gaze, gasping when I notice a still freash cut on her thigh. "I do, and trust me, I'll get you out of here."

She smiles slightly and looks up at me, staring and studying my face. "I'm not too sure about that. How do I know I can trust you? How I know you're not going to play with me, huh?"

I sigh and dub the back of my neck. "I... don't know. I guess you'll just have to do it... Just... follow your instincts."

She snorts. "Is that all you have to say? Mhm... alright then. I'll trust you."

I raise an eyebrow at her boldness. "You said it yourself only moments ago. How do you know you can trust me?"

She shrugs lightly. "I dunno. I'm pretty good at judging people and you're one of those people who would always help others before themselves. I guess I was able to see the sincerity behind your words."

I bite the inside of my cheek but nod anyway. "You won't regret it." I mumble. I look back down at her and grimace at the sight.

"Nice, huh? I always appreciated people who take everything over them and accept punishments for something they probably never did... but I was never thinking that I would be one of those people myself. Although, I'm not completely innocent." She smirks devilishly. "The cut from my thigh? Didn't happen from a perv who took advantage of me. It happened as a consequence of my own action." She stops talking and looks up at me, her smirk growing. "No one had ever told me this little piece of advice: that whatever happens, you must never hit a man between his legs that hard that he can't walk anymore."

I wince slightly at the tone of her voice. "You did that?"

She laughs. "Yep. And many, many other things. And boy, did they deserve it! Huh, I guess I deserved some of these cuts after all."

I can't help but growl. "What they did to you it's fucking sick! I highly doubt you deserved this!" I reply and point towards her whole body.

"Fair enough. Honestly, not even I recognize myself anymore." She sighs. "There are moments when I lay here numb while they torture me. It's quite funny sometimes... I used to be very emotional when I was a child, and now I don't even care what happens to me. It's like I'm not even here. I've felt like I was watching a movie or something instead of realizing that it was actually happening to me."

Well, that explains a lot! Like why she was so careless not five minutes earlier. I nod slightly in understanding. "That's something we have in common. It's like I'm not present in my own body. If that makes any sense."

She sighs. "For me it makes sense like nothing else. You're not alone in this."

I nod. "My name is Razer, by the way." I mumble and give her a slight smile.

She returns the smile weakly. "Razer, huh? A strong name. Shows off your power and strenght. It's sometimes like a curse to you given as 'razing' is your little talent but you somehow manage to deal with it, destroying things only when you must. Strong personality, even strong emotions. Caring but usually shows no emotions. Apparently neutral about many things but can get affected very fast. Sometimes depressed, probably because of a tragic past and people close to you who died. Still thinks it's your fault for that. Doesn't want to hurt anybody but can't help it as you're kinda forced to. Wants to help." W-what...? How... how dods she know all that? How was she able to...? Her smile growls slightly. "Interesting."

I frown slightly. "What's 'interesting'?"

"Has developted a crush on someone you think you can't have because she seems so fragile to you..." My eyes grow wide and I stare at her, my expression probably betraying my surprise because she laughs as she continues talking. "... when she's actually a real tigress, in more than one way. Would do anything for her even if she doesn't know it. Has to keep yourself away from her so she won't suffer."

I raise a curious eyebrow. "All that came only from my name?"

She nods and shrugs. "Name, eyes and facial expression. By the way, nice tattoos. They suit you. You keep them as some sort of remembrance. Nobody else knows what they represent."

I bring my right hand up, running the tip of my forefinger over one of my tattoos. "And I would like to keep it that way."

She nods. "Understandable. I'd say a lot more but I guess you want most of things to remain a secret."

I nod. "That would be... the best course of action."

"Okay. But just for the record, the girl I was talking about wants to know a lot more about you and may actually return your feelings." She winks knowingly at me. "Look out for the messages she's been sending you."

I roll my eyes. "I'll try."

"Good. As you told me your name it seems fair that I have to tell you mine. It's Lara. As for the surname, I'm not interested in knowing yours so you don't have to know mine. Clear enough?"

"Crystal clear. Unfortunately, I'm not a medium to be able to guess things about you." I answer with a slight chuckle.

She giggles silently and shakes her head. "You don't have to. And I'm not a medium, I just love psyhology and human behaviour. Plus that I have a computer-like memory and am able to remember most of things some people can't."

I nod slightly. "Oh...That's a good thing, I guess. I need you to remember some things, okay?"

She raises an eyebrow. "Why?"

I grin widely at her. "I'm going to get you out of here." I answer and she gasps in surprise, her whole body tensing slightly as her eyes spark with hope.

"Really?"

I nod. "Really. I can't let you in here after everything they've done to you." I look around the room, trying to find something - anything - that may help me get her out of here.

She starts shifting and struggling the best she can. "But I'm still handcuffed here, y'know? Can't move, getting bruised by those bloody handcuffs."

I look back at her and nod. "I don't know how to... I need the keys. Where are they?"

She rolls her eyes. "Um... I don't know. Either in that drawer or in the bathroom. The guy who came yesterday brought them with him."

I frown slightly. "Why?"

She shrugs. "He wanted to move me somewhere else, I think. I don't know. He's the guy I kicked." Her lips twist into a wicked smirk as she laughs. "I swear, his cries were a lot louder that mind have ever been."

I can't help but chuckle lightly as I shake my head. "I'll take your word for it." I mumble and stand up, walking towards the drawer. I start looking through the stuff from it, raising an eyebrow as I find it almost empty, save from some pictures and a dagger. I don't even want to know!

I move to the one beneath it and my fingers find something cold. I grasp it and pull it out, grinning victoriously when I see it's a key. "Is that it?" I ask her and she nods.

"The one and only." She answers and lifts her legs slightly. "Hurry up."

I nod and walk back towards the bed. I release her hands from the handcuffs and she lets out a low moan, probably of pain. "Are you..." I start and she shakes her head.

"No, not really." She mumbles and sits up, grimacing as she looks down at her brusied wrists. "God, it hurts like bloody hell!" She groans and rubs her right wrist. I sit down next to her and take her hand in my own, brushing my thumb over her knuckles.

"I'm sorry." I whisper and she looks up at me with watery eyes, tears threatening to fall.

She shakes her head slightly, pulling her hands out of mine and draws her knees to her chest, hugging her legs tightly. "Hey, it's okay. It wasn't you who did all these." She answers and gives me a soft smile as she looks lazily at me. "You don't have to apologize for something you didn't do."

I sigh and reach one of my hands for her, taking her right hand in mine and brushing my thumb over hers. "But for this I have to. I never thought they would go this far."

She huffs out a humorless laugh. "You're new in this kind of stuff, aren't you, Razer?" She asks compassionately and I nod slightly. "I was sure of it. You don't seem to know how this stuff works. I've been here for almost two years, I have some ideas of how they are, although there are times when I'm surprised they could do such things."

I sigh and hang my head, staring at my lap as I release her hand and clench my fists tightly, my nails digging in the skin of my palms. "I'm really sorry for what they made you go through, Lara. I swear that if I had known earlier, I... I would have done something to... to stop them or to get you out of here. I'm so sorry."

I feel her shifting on the bed until she is sitting right in front of me and she gently curls her finger under ny jaw, lifting my head up so I'm looking at her once again. "You couldn't have known. You had no way in which you could have known before this happened. Don't apologize for something that was cleary not your fault. I know you would have helped me if you could." She answers and wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me into a much needed hug. Although... I don't know who needed this hug more, me or her. I blow out another sigh and wrap my own arms around her, hugging her tightly in response. She makes a gasping sound and grunts. "Loosen your hold a bit. Not only do my wounds hurt but you're taking all my air out of my lungs. Literally."

I chuckle lightly and pull back, giving her a sheepish smile. "I'm sorry. I guess I just needed that."

She nods and pecks my cheek. "No problem. I like helping." She respondes before getting down from the bed and standing up shakily. "I'll be ready in a few minutes." She says and winks at me before walking towards the wardrobe from the opposite wall.

I nod slightly and let myself fall onto my back on the bed, pressing the heels of my palms against my eyes. I can't believe I let myself be dragged into this. I groan out loud in frustration and clench my eyes shut as I sprawl my hands over the bed. Why can I not have a normal life?! Is it really that hard for me to be a normal person?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that 'being normal' is not my thing. Not that it has ever been. I just seem to always attract trouble, no matter how hard I try not to. Yeah, I know it may sound a little cliché but I'm pretty sure I'm right. Let's be realistic, nothing from how my life is going on right now is normal. It's literally upside down on how it was supposed to be. It's just... pretty much fucked up.

* * *

 _And that's it. Sorry for the way I left you hanging with Razer and Aya's kiss from the last chapter but I got this idea instead, but I might possible reveal in the next chapter what happened. Sorry again for letting you wait this long, hopefully next time I update will happen sooner._

 _I hope you liked it._

 _Well? Opinions? Advices? Comments and citicisms are welcomed but no flames please. Tell me what you think. Read and review please_


	8. Troubled soul

_Hiya guys. Wow, I seriously got out of hand with updating, I just hope I'm going to be able to work more on my stories this summer. Anyway, sorry for the long wait.  
_

 _Well, enjoy it._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing cause if I have had we would have seen many Razaya kisses._

* * *

I get in the drivers seat of my car and frown. Today has been the craziest day from my life. And that says a lot given as my whole life is crazy. Though 'crazy' is still an understatement for everything that has been happening to me.

"Did you really have to kill him?" I ask through gritted teeth. "That was not only unnecessary but also ridiculously stupid!" I clench my eyes shut for a few moments and clutch the steering wheel tightly in my hands as I try to calm myself down.

"He was trying to kill us, genius! It was either him or us and I'm pretty sure than no matter how shitty your life is right now, you wouldn't want to die. Would you?" She replies almost sarcastically, her hands balled into tight fists as she stares furiously at the road in front of us, a backpack containing most of her things resting on the backseat next to mine. It's almost dark - a thing I'm grateful for. I don't think I could have handled having to run away in mid day when the sun was up. Too much headache, too many chances to be discovered. Thankfully, along with this 'assignment' I also got another car to drive - a Mini Cooper this time - which is not as spottable as my own car. Hopefully I will be allowed to keep it. Ugh, great, I am trying to run away but l I can think of is a car. So nice!

"Well, okay, yeah, I can't argue with that but killing him... that would make someone realize what was going on." I finally respond. Okay, not my best remark - nor the snarkiest - but it was the only thing I could think of. I turn the key in ignition and start the engine. "Someone will find him."

She blows out an exasperated sigh. "Are you idiot? Look, I know you're worried and stuff but what I did might be in our benefit "

"Like what?" I snap. I hate, HATE, raising my voice at her, especially after everything she's been through but it's necessary. "Like my uncle wanting to kill me after he will find out what I did? Yeah, I'm sure that will be so helpful." I reply sarcastically. have already started driving and from the way I have tightened my hold on the wheel, my hands were pale white.

"No, of course not. I'm not stupid, okay? I know he would be cruel enough to kill you if he found about about this - and, trust me, I don't want him to find out about all this. But I also know what he does to the people who betray him. That guy's dead so he can't defend himself, can he?"

I groan out loud and close my eyes for a short moment before opening them again and focusing back on the road. I know where she is getting at but... I don't know, it doesn't seem right. And yeah, I know who I am and what I did and what I was supposed to do but I never said I liked this. I look at her out of the corner of my eye and sigh. I am lucky that there is no traffic, there aren't too many cars around at this time. Unusual, but appreciated. I don't know if I would have taken it well enough if I had to wait around slow-moving people. "Are you really suggesting what I think you are? I know you don't want him to find out about this but-"

"Then shut the fuck up and keep driving!" She snaps, her voice fierce. That's not exactly expected who has been tortured in the worst ways for a whole week but I guess this is how she is like. Impulsive. Fierce. And passionate. Huh, this awfully reminds me of someone else I know, someone who is never afraid to speak up for herself.

I shake my head slightly. This is seriously not the right time to think about that. Even if I really need to sort things out. I clench my jaw and swallow hard as I try not to let myself get distrarcted by my own throughts. That is really the last thing I need right now.

"Just out of curiousity, Razer." I hear her say quietly, tiredly. "Do you have even the slightest idea where we are going?"

I shake my head. "Not really. We can't go to my place for obvious reasons. I obviously can't just drop you off somewhere and let you by yourself. And we can't go to the police for extremly obvious reasons." I sigh and loosen my grip on the steering wheel before lifting one of my hands up and running it through my hair. "There's one place we can go, though. I'm still not certain about this but we've got to try."

Out of the corner of my eyes, I see her raising a skeptical eyebrow at me. "I'm listening."

I sigh and bite down on my lower lip. "I have a friend who might be able to hel us. Let you stay there a couple of days until we figure out what to do. It's still a little risky but it's kind of the only option we have right now."

"Will they turn us in?"

I shake my head. "No. I don't think so."

I look at her for a brief moment, watching as she crosses her arms over her chest. "You don't think so?" She asks, uncertainity creeping in the tone of her voice.

"Yeah... I don't think so. But not to worry. I'm sure she will help us."

"She?" Oh no... The smirk was obviously there when she said that... Me and my big mouth.

"Yes... she." I answer and do my best to keep my expression emotionless. I really don't need her teasings. "I trust her, okay? She's going to help us." She always has, anyway.

"I see." She replies and I swear I can feel that she is looking right at me with this wide, knowing smirk of hers. "Is this mysterious friend of yours the one who so has swiftly stolen your heart? What was her name again?"

I bite the inside of my cheek in an attempt to keep myself from blushing. "She hasn't-" I shake my head. No use in trying to tell her otherwise. "You know what, I'm not even going to try. Her name's Aya and I know she's going to help us. But this is your choice."

"My choice or your wish to see her?" She snorts. "You just have to tell me, you know?" I swallow and remain quiet, rolling my eyes at her. "No use trying to hide your feelings for me, Razer. I can easily read you like an open book. But if you truly want to see her this badly then yes, I'll be more than happy to go there with you."

I groan and hang my head for a quick moment before focusing my attention back on the road. "Just stop this teasing, okay? There's nothing going on between me and Aya, we're just friends, alright. Nothing more." I growl through gritted teeth. Why does everybody have to assume and there's something going on between me and Aya?

"Alright, I got it. Just friends." She answers somewhat sadly and sighs and I screw my lips to the side. Having an outburst like that wasn't my greatest idea but it's starting to get annoying how everybody thinks that me and Aya are dating. Though I can't lie... the thought is tempting...

I shake my head and sighs. I really really hope I'm not that far gone. "I'm sorry." I whisper quietly, taking a glance in her direction and seeing her slightly furrowed brow. "My outburst was uncalled for. I'm sorry."

"It's fine." She gives me a small smile and puts one hand reassuringly on my shoulder. "I know I was annoying you."

"I wouldn't call it annoying..." I mutter. "But I guess I'm just tired of everybody assuming that-"

"That you two are together and she's already pregnant with your child, huh?" She laughs and squeezes my shoulder and I chuckle.

I snort. "Something like that, yeah. Everybody seems to think that." I shake my head. "And it's crazy. We never..." I shake my head again and trail off. "Its crazy."

"Maybe it is. Or maybe they are able to see something that neither of you can or doesn't want to aknowledge." She gives my shoulder a light squeeze before taking her hand away.

I raise an eyebrow. "That's... ridiculous." Seriously now, it's not like we've been sleeping together or anything.

"I wouldn't be that sure about that, Razer. They sure as hell see something there. And don't take me with all that 'I don't know what you're talking about' shit because I sure as hell am not going to believe it." I open my mouth to protest but she stops me by clearing her throat. "As I said, you can't hide your feelings from me, Razer. I'm good at reading those." She declares proudly and I can't help but smile a little. This girl is going to drive me crazy. And I don't know wheter that is a good thing or not.

"Can we please not talk about this now? I really don't want to have this kind of discussion right now, you know?"

She snickers. "Hmm, I don't know what to say about that. You do seem like you need someone to talk to about this."

Nope. I really really don't need such a thing. "I don't think it's such a good idea to continue-"

"Alright, I'll stop." She cuts me off and snickers again. "For now at least. But I just want to know, how long have you known her?"

I shake my head in exasperation though I can't help the small smile that takes hold of my lips. "Less than four months, I think. It was the second week of school when we first met. She was the new girl, had just moved here."

"How did that happen though? Because I honestly don't see you as the type of guy to just walk up to a girl and introduce yourself to her before offering to show her around?"

I snort. "No, I'm really not like that." I stop at a red light and allow myself to close my eyes, remembering my first meeting with Aya. I know it's been not even four months ago but it still seems so far away, like a million years have passed since then. I open my eyes and and glance at Lara, huffing at her impatient and curious expression. "We just bumped into each other."

She raises an eyebrow at me and cocks her head to the side. "Well, what a romantic meeting. And let me guess, seeing her right in front of you knocked all the air out of your lungs and her appearance left you breathless and before you knew it, you have fallen for her."

I sigh and turn my attention back to driving and start the car once the light turned green. "No, not really, though I appreciate the way you see things. And it was nowhere near romantic. She was literally the third person I bumped into that day and I was already starting to get annoyed." Not that I'm not annoyed most of the time but that's another story. "I have no idea how I hadn't actually seen her the previous week but then again I don't exactly pay attention to other people and those days were pretty much a haste of getting everything in order and all that crap so there's no wonder I wasn't interested in who was in my class this year."

"Classmates?"

I shrug and somehow manage to fight a grin as my answer comes almost immediately. "Deskmates."

"Even better." She laughs and playfully punches my shoulder. "Damn you, you're good."

I can't help but laugh at that. "No, I'm not. It was basically pure luck."

"Pure luck, huh? I'm not too sure about that, really, but if you want to call it that way."

I roll my eyes. "Are you starting that discussion again?"

She sighs. "Nah. Don't wanna. Too tired to argue with you over something you're anyway way too stubborn to realize."

Did she just...? I have a feeling she'll never let me live this down.

* * *

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" She asks me again, her eyes narrowed on me as I kill the engine. Oh, and she also has been asking me the same question over and over again for the last fifteen minutes.

"I know how this looks like but you have to trust me. She knows nothing about this and even if she did-"

"She would never turn us in. Okay, I got it." Lara rolls her eyes. "You've been telling me that for quite some time like it's some sort of chant. I just want to make sure it's safe because I sure as hell am not going to return in that pit of hell!"

"You're not going back there." I announce her and turn my head around to look at her. "I won't let them take you, alright?" I run one of my hands through my hair as I study her carefully. She made sure to make herself look presentable enough and not like she had been through all that for the last week. Most of her bruises are now covered with foundation and her clothes hide whatever was left to the eye: she is wearing a black turtleneck sweater and dark blue jeans and made a hell good job with hiding those wounds.

She bites down on her lower lip, seeming to decide wheter to belive me or not before nodding. "Alright. It's worth a shot, huh?"

I nod and stare over her head at Aya's house before pulling my phone out. It's a little late but she surely isn't sleeping. I send her a short text asking her if she can talk and put my phone back in my jacket pocket. I just hope she won't deny my request. We haven't really spent too much time together over the last week ever since that almost kiss and I'm a little dreadful.

* * *

 **~FLASHBACK~**

 _I teasingly nuzzled her nose with mine and she sighed, probably with impatience. Her breath came sweet against my lips, making me impatient as well. I tightened my grip on her hip for a split second before the realization dawned on me. What the hell were we doing?!_

 _I snapped my eyes open and pulled back abruptly, breaking the 'spell' that had drawn us to each other. That was so wrong! I retracted my hands from her and she opened her eyes, looking at me in both shock and confusion. Her hands lingered one more moment on my chest before she decidex to take them off me and I couldn't help but notice how weird I felt now. I had been such an idiot!_

 _"I... I-I sorry." I mumbled and put some distance between us as I pulled myself away. "I shouldn't have... That was not what I... It would have been..." I sighed and cut myself off as I ran one of my hands through my hair._

 _She nodded and clasped her hands in her lap. "It is alright." She whispered softly. "I understand. There is no need for you to apologize." She lowered her eyes, staring at her feet, before looking back up to me. "I am aware that it still hurts you, the fact that you lost..."_

 _"Don't." I cut her off, my eyes pleading her to stop. "Please."_

 _She nodded again. "I did not mean to bring aspects from your past up." She sighed and I stared at her chest again. "I was just..." She trailrd off and shaked her head, a sad smile crossing her lips. "... hoping I might..." Her words became such a low whisper that I couldn't understand what she was saying but I didn't want to. I felt like it was some sort of sensitive subject for her. Somehow..._

 _I stood up and turned my back to her. I heard her standing up as well and approaching me. "I'm sorry for... that. For... letting myself get carried away." I mumbled._

 _She rested one of her hands on my shoulder, her fingers kneading into my skin and massaging me. "It is alright, Razer. I got carried away too, I did not... think that through."_

 _I sighed and turned around slowly and she lifted her hand a little only to place it on my chest once again as I was facing her. I rested my hand over hers on my chest and gently brushed my thumb over her soft skin before taking her hand in my own and absentmindedly lacing our fingers together. "Maybe..." I sigh and swallowed hard. "Maybe another time. I... am not yet ready to move on... to do... I just can't... Not yet." I trailed off as my thoughts were redirected towards Ilana and our first kiss. It had been perfect, it had been the most amazing moment from my life. I hadn't thought at that time that I would lose her like that. I had always hoped that we could resist, that it wouldn't end anytime too soon because of a fight. I hadn't even dreamt that it would end so abruptly with her dying..._

 _And now... this. I hadn't expected this when I came here. I hadn't even thought about doing that... But it had nearly happened. It's not that I didn't want to kiss her... I really did but I don't think I was ready for it now._

 _I didn't want to hurt Aya, I really don't, and she is too sweet and innocent to suffer, especially because of me. I would only bring her pain, I know it. I would destroy and ruin her, just as I do with everything I touch._

 _"I... I am aware." She mumbled, staring at our hands. "But..." She stood on her tiptoes to reach me better before pecking my cheek. "I will be here for you, wheter it is for an advice or support or... something else."_

 _I swallowed nervously as she said 'something else' but nodded nonetheless. She let go of my hand and rested her palms on my chest before moving them upwards, her touch sending little tingling sensations through my body as she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me into a hug. I gasped and looked at her in utter shock before putting my arms around her and returning the embrace. I restef my chin on the top of her head as she buried her face in my chest. "Thank you." I whispered and tightened my hold on her._

 _"You have nothing to thank me for." She mumbled, the words coming muffled. "I am never going to let you down." She addef in a whisper._

 _I clutched her blouse in my hands and hugged her tighter as I did my best not to sob. I planted a soft kiss on the top of her head and pulled back. She lowered her hands to my chest and I bent down, pecking her cheek. "Thank you." I whispered and released her from my grip._

 _She gave me one of her soft and shy smiles and pulled away from my, grabbing her jacket. "You are very welcome." She answered. "Shall we go now?"_

 _I nodded and took my own jacket, putting it back on in a flash and watching her with interest. She smiled and zipped her jacket up, winking at me as she took her backpack._

* * *

 **~END OF FLASHBACK~**

I don't know if she's been purposely avoiding me or something but everything became... different after that. I don't know the reason of that - and I honestly don't dare to think that it was because I didn't kiss her that day. Since then... we haven't talked that much the rest of the week. Okay, I still got to go out last Friday with her and apparently the other two people from the entire world that don't hate me but she seemed more distant. Okay, she was still her usual sweet self but I sensed something was off. Or it was just my imagination playing tricks on me.

"Look, I know you want to help me and everything but I really must ask you something. You're telling me that she's just going to open the door and let us in her house in the middle of the night without even questioning why?" Lara asks and looks at me with her eyebrow raised.

Yeah, I haven't really thought about this. "Basically yeah, I guess."

She sighs and gives me a look as if asking 'really?' "You must be kidding me."

I rub the back of my neck and shrug slightly. "Your other choice is to wait until morning but we don't have that much time at our disposal and you know that."

"I hate it when you're right." She mumbles. "I guess there's only one way to find that out, huh?"

I nod and pull my phone out, unable to hide a smile as I read Aya's answers. "She says she'll let us in." I grin as I look up at Lara who rolls her eyes. "See?"

"Don't brag about it." She mutters and opens her door, stepping out of the car. I follow her out and delve my hands in my jacket pockets as we walk toward the door. "And seriously, is she just going to let us in like that?"

I shrug. "I guess. She didn't really give me any details."

"Urgh!" She groans and throws her head back. "I really hate you sometimes!"

I snort. "You've known me for barely a day."

"That says a lot, doesn't it?" She smirks and winks at me, crossing her arms over her chest once we reached the door. "So, what now? We knock or ring the doorbell or-" She gets cut off when the door opens and Aya appears in the doorway with what I can describe only as an annoyed expression, her eyes darting from me to Lara and back to me as she sighs.

"You must be kidding me. What the hell did you do this time, Razer?" She mumbles, showing an incredible rare moment of swearing.

I give her a sheepish smile and rub the back of my neck. "Why would you assume I did anything?" I ask innocently, despite knowing that she would never buy it, and her unimpressed expression gives me all the answers I need. "Okay. Technically, I didn't do anything. We just kind of need some help."

She raises an eyebrow at me. "Help? You mean, my help, right?"

I nod. "Yeah. I'm kind of... out of people I can trust."

"So, I guess this is Aya, huh?" Lara pipes in, smirking at me before holding her hand out to Aya. "Lara. Nice to meet you. Razer told me a lot about you."

"He did?" Aya asks incredulously, shaking Lara's hand.

"Oh, he did. You won't believe what he thinks-"

"Anyway..." I cut in, clearing my throat and stopping Lara from revealing too much of what we talked. "Aya, I think we really should talk about this."

"You drive me crazy sometimes, you know that?" Aya sighs and shakes her head, the hint of a smirk appearing across her lips. "But I am not yet sure wheter you want it or not." She gives me a slightly amused smile and nods towards the inside of her house. "Want to come in?"

I clear my throat and shuffle nervously. "Well, that kind of is the thing we came here for."

She raises an eyebrow at me before flicking her gaze to Lara. "You are so damn serious, aren't you?" She sighs and crosses her arms over her chest and huffs. "Want to explain yourself at least or you are just going to have me standing here until tomorrow morning?"

I clear my throat and rub the back of my neck nervously. "Well, I need to ask you a little favor."

She taps her fingers against her arm. "I got that. What do you need?"

"Erm... to get her a place to stay in, for a only couple of days until I find something else." I bite my lower lip as I study her expression carefully, gauging her reaction. "And I was thinking that maybe you could... y'know, let her stay at your place till then?"

Her eyebrows raise and her eyes widen slightly, a look of unbelief crossing her features. "Wh-what?"

Oh God... "I know how this sounds but right now she has a delicate situation and-"

"But you are in desperate need of help and you have no idea where else to to take her to so you thought about me." Aya sighs, giving Lara a wary glance. "So here you are, asking me to host a girl I know nothing about."

"Sorry." I smile sheepishly and clear my throat awkwardly. "I uhh..."

She shakes her head, a small smile playing across her lips. "As I said, you drive me crazy. More than I would like to admit." She deadpans and glares at me. "But we should better talk inside." She pulls back from the door way, giving us room to enter and we go inside, waiting for her to close the door and set on the security system.

We walk into the living room and it's no sooner that we get there when I realize how cold it's been outside. "Thanks." I mutter and sit down on an overstuffed chair, watching Aya rubbing at her bare arms as she sits down on the couch. My eyes widen slightly as I study her, noticing for the first time that she is wearing only a thin lime pajama camisole and matching shorts, her feet bare. Oh no... "I'm sorry for this." I say, gesturing toward her. "I didn't-"

"It is alright." She cuts me off, rolling her eyes and runs one of her hands through her loosen hair. I came to understand that it was a thing she does every time she is frustrated and this is surely one of those rare moments. "So, now that we're somewhere far warmer than outside..." She shoots me a pointed glance. "Can I find out what this is all about?"

I shrug. "It's not... a big deal. Well, I think that way. Lara just needs a place to stay for a few days until we find something and I thought you might.. help."

"What happened?" Her voices sounded really concerned and I swallow hard. We haven't talked about a cover story for this.

"I uhh... had some troubles with my erm... brother." Lara answers carefully, hesitancy etched across her face. "We share an apartment but he was getting all worked up and protective about me because he thinks I can't take care of myself and will get myself in trouble. We fight a lot over this and I want to prove him that I'm good by myself so I left but I didn't really think it through and that's how I found myself alone in a city I barely no with nowhere to go to." She sighs and clasps her hands over her lap, fiddling with her fingers and staring down at her feet. "I didn't want to go back and show any signs of weakness in front of my brother so I decided to go for it and see what I can do and my initial plan was to get a room at a hotel or something but then I was lucky enough to see Razer. Okay, to almost walk straight in front of his car in my rush and he offered his help and that's kinda all." She finishes with a small shrug as if that wasn't a big deal.

"You two knew each other?" Aya asks suspiciously.

"Yeah. We were kind of friends back to... his old school."

"How old are you, more exactly?" Aya asks curiously though I can see a small hesitancy in her voice.

"19." Lara shrugs. "We met a lot on the hallways and used to talk but after he moved here we didn't talk that much. Actually, I think he didn't even know I had moved here before today."

"When was that?"

"A couple of months ago." Lara answers and bite her lower lip. "My brother got a job here, I was kind of tired of our old place so I decided to come with him and finish high school and find an uni or something here. It wasn't that bad but then he started becoming a little too protective and wanted to keep me under his wing and I get that that is a big brother thing but I really want him to see what I can really do."

Aya sighs and crosses her legs. "I know the feeling all too well." She sighs and shakes her head. "Try living in the same house with a father who literally threatens every guy you talk to."

I snort. Yeah, been there done that.

"He can't be that bad." Lara giggles but Aya's expression makes her eyes grow wide. "He really is that bad. I pity you, girl."

"No need to. Sometimes it's funny. Though most of time that is just irritating." Aya's gaze lingers on me for a few seconds before she shifts her eyes to a spot on the floor. "Do you have any clothes?"

"Yeah. I grabbed some things before leaving. They're in Razer's car."

Aya nods. "All right." Her eyes meet mine and she bites her lower lip. "Can I talk to you alone, Razer? Please?"

Lara stands up, catching the hint. "So uhh... where's your bathroom?"

"Down that way, first door on right." Aya answers, pointing to her right, her eyes remaining on me. "Are you crazy?" She hisses once Lara was out of earshoot. "Razer, I really can not just let a stranger in my house! Especially when that stranger appears out of nowhere at my door in the middle of the night!"

"I'm sorry, okay? I just didn't know what else to do. I had no other option."

"No other option?" She scoffs, crossing her arms over her chest. "What about your own house?"

I shake my head. "You don't get it." Not that I could actually explain her the true reason why Lara can't go anywhere near my house but I've been expecting that question. "My uncle's there. And he's not really the one to easily accept someone in his house like that."

"Oh, so you thought I would simply just accept someone in my house like that?" She growls and glares at me. "Seriously, Razer, I was expecting more from you."

"As I was from you!"

"I am not the one who showed up at your door at 1 am in the morning asking you to host someone you know nothing about!" She growls and looks furiously at me.

"I just thought you would help us! Why don't you trust me?" I stand up abruptly, glaring down at her and clenching my hands in fists at my sides. I really don't want to fight with her. It's so stupid! She's just being ridiculous.

"I do trust you!" She shoots back, her voice raising to the point that she's practically yelling in my face. It's a wonder that our voices haven't woken her parents or brother, really. She stands up as well, taking a step toward me in an attempt to look intimidating. She may not be the shortest girl at her 5'8" height but I am taller than she is so her height... doesn't really help her. "I do trust you, Razer, and maybe that you're too blind to see it but I-" She trails off with a heavy sigh, her gaze shifting to her feet. Oh no, I sure as hell am not going to just let her get away without continuing that!

"You what?" I growl and grasp her shoulders, forcing her to look up at me. Her gaze is fierce, her eyes unusually shiny and I realize with a start that she's on the verdge of crying. "What were you going to say?" I ask softly, the sight of her pained expression somehow helping me calm down. "You what?"

"You know what? That does not even matter anymore!" Her voice is still harsh but I can easily detect hurt in her tone. She rips herself out of my hold and takes a step away from me. "I can't, okay?"

Can't what? Help me or answer to me? "Aya..." I sigh and take her hands in mine, pulling her toward me. "What's wrong? What happened, Aya?"

"Nothing." She mumbles, her brow furrowing slightly. "Nothing's wrong. But... but I can't." She tries to take her hands out of mine only for me to tighten my hold on her. "I can't, Razer. I can't help you. I am so so sorry but I really can't." She manages to pull her hands out of mine and takes a step further away from me, her calves meeting the couch.

"Why?"

She shakes her head and folds her arms over her chest, the corners of her lips curling up into a sarcastic smile. "Why? Razer, do you realize that you are asking me to let someone I know nothing about stay in my house under a crappy excuse I was supposed to buy? I really was not expecting something like this from you."

"Aya-"

"Go find someone else." She mutters, sitting down on the sofa and placing her elbows on her knees, her hands clasped together. "I can't help you. Ask someone else."

"I don't trust anybody else!" I fight back but she only shakes her head.

"That is not my problem." She rests her forehead against her hands, closing her eyes. "This is your mess, Razer, not mine. You need to deal with this by yourself. Your mess, your problems. Do not get me implied in whatever shit you're in. Please."

I take the only step separating me from her and kneel down in front of her, placing my hand on her leg. Her skin is soft to the touch and warmth spreads instantly through me. "I wouldn't have come here if this wasn't important. I need your help, Aya. Please."

Her eyes flutter open and she looks down at me, a sad smile crossing her lips. "Do not play that card on me. You barely aknowledge my presence but once you are in a bit of a mess you run straight to me and ask me to give you whatever you need and after you get what you want, you just walk away and then everything happens all over again." I feel my eyes widening at the pain in her voice, the sadness deep in her tone. "Do you never realize how tiring this is? How hurtful it is for me? How selfish all this is from you? You expect everybody else to do what you want, to be whatever you want them to be but what do you do in exchange? No, you do not need to answer to that, I already know what your answer would be. You do nothing in return. Do you not care about anything else other than yourself? You are not the center of the Universe, Razer, so please, stop acting as if you are."

I swallow hard at her accusative tone. This is nothing like what I imagined it would be.

"What? Why are you suddenly being so quiet?" She shakes her head slightly. "You know that everything I said is the truth, do you not?"

I sigh and take my hand off of her leg before sitting down next to her. "So I'm the bad guy now?"

"I do not know, Razer. Are you?" She looks at me with a saddened expression, her eyes slightly widened. "We are all bad guys, in one way or another, wheter we want it or not. But we never seem able to see it. We are too selfish to see it. You are too selfish to see it. So tell me, Razer, are you or not the bad guy now?"

I swallow hard and shake my head. "I don't know. I really don't know what to think about myself anymore."

"I was expecting that answer. Still too selfish. Why do you always have to make everything about yourself, huh? This is not a fairy tale, Razer, and I hope you know that. There are no such things as villains and princesses and charming princes and fairies and witches and whatever. This is the real life, with pnly people who have made their choices... people who are not afraid to live. So you need to stop thinking that everything is about you, that you are everything that matters in this whole world. This may be your life but so is everyone else's. Just stop thinking that people should only listen to you. Live for a day. Live the moment." She looks at me with an expression I can't exactly read, her eyes darting all over my face and I swallow hard at her scrutinizing gaze.

"Aya, I-"

"No." She shakes her head vigurously. "Save it. You really do not have to explain yourself in front of me." She turns her body towards me, her eyes locked on my face. "I just want to know, what makes you stop? What is it that keeps stopping you?"

"Stopping me from what? Aya, you're not making any sense."

"What stops you from fully trusting me?" Her voice wavers with each word she says and her eyes become shiny, glassy with tears. "From telling me the truth? Why can you not trust me?"

I shake my head. "I do trust you, Aya."

"It does not look like it." She smiles sadly at me. "I am not stupid, Razer. I was able to see through your little lie. Lara's 'backstory'? It was obviously a lie. One that I did not buy, by the way."

I rub the back of my neck awkwardly and bite my lower lip. "I..." I sigh. I'm not even going to deny that. She looks hurt enough and I really don't want to hurt her any further. "I don't know. I have no idea what I should tell you, what you're expecting me to answer."

"I want you to be honest!" She shouts, a silent tear rolling down her face. "I want you to be honest for once! I am expecting the truth, Razer! About you, about whatever the hell you're doing right now and about what you feel!"

I frown. "What does what I feel play any part in this?"

"It does! It plays a huge part in all this and you are aware of it only that you simply can not aknowledge it!" Her voice is loud, harsh, icy but still carrying a lot of emotions. Negative ones. "I just want you to be honest with me, Razer! It surely can not be that hard, can it?" She furiously wipes at her eyes, taking a deep breath to calm herself down giving me a little time to take everything she's said in.

"I don't know. I feel so many things and everything is so... contrary to each other. And it sucks."

She shakes her head and reaches one of her hands for me, cupping the side of my face in her palm. "I know. But I want... I need to know, what do you feel right now?" She whispers, her voice so soft and sweet, and she leans in toward me, her thumb brushing over the swell of my cheek.

My eyes dart all over her face and I can't help but notice how beautiful she truly is, how soft her skin feels. "I..." I swallow and lock my gaze with her for a short moment before moving it to her lips. "I'm not too sure." I answer eventually, lowering my voice to match the one she used. I bend down, a little hesitantly and nuzzle my nose with her, my eyes slowly closing and I can feel my heart racing accordingly when I see her following my example.

"Hey guys, is everything okay?"

I pull back in an instant, my cheeks reddening when I see Saint Walker standing there, looking bewildered at both of us, his eyes darting from one to another. "I... uhh yeah, everything's fine." I stammer and put some distance between me and Aya, though the way her brother is looking at me gives away the fact that he doesn't entirely believe me.

"Aya? What's going on?" He folds his arms over his chest. "I've heard some shouts a little earlier and I first thought they were from my dream but then I heard them again and..." He trails off, gazing somewhere on the wall.

"Why would people be shouting in your dream?" I ask him, my brow furrowing in confusion.

"Doesn't matter." He shakes his head as if snapping out of a revery or something and his gaze falls on Aya, his eyes widening slightly. "Have you cried?" His voice betrays his concern as he studies her. "Are you okay? Did he do anything to you?"

"No." Aya answers and I look at her in time to see her furiously wiping at her eyes, her usual calm expression returning in an instant. "You do not have to worry about me. We were completely fine. Just... talking." She gives me a pointed look before shifting her gaze to her brother. "I am completely fine."

"You don't look like it. Are you sure you're-"

"I'm fine!" She snaps, cutting him off and glaring at him. "Just stop it. Nothing happened to me. I am alright." She shakes her head and looks at me out of the corner of her eye. "Razer was just getting ready to leave anyway."

"Why did he come here?" He replies with a skeptical expression. O-kay? A super emotional Aya and a blunt Saint Walker in the same day? This is getting weirder by minute.

"Nothing. He was just asking me a favor, nothing more."

"What favor?" Saint Walker's voice becomes visibly icier as he looks at me.

"I... Nothing." I shake my head. "It was nothing."

"What was it about?" He insists and I can see his usual calm and composed demeanor being wisked away.

"It was nothing." Aya answers this time, her voice as cold as her brother's. "As I said, Razer was just about to leave. This is no longer your concern. Or mine, for that matter." Her gaze drifts to me for a short second before moving to the coffee table in front of us. "I suppose you can go back to your room now." She shoots him a fierce glare. "Seriously, Saint, it was nothing." Her expression softens and she gives him a small smile. "Trust me."

He sighs but nods and turns around and we watch him leaving.

"Thanks." I turn to look back at Aya once I was sure that Saint couldn't hear us anymore. "For backing me up." I clarify when I see her slightly puzzled expression. "I wasn't too eagee to give him any explanations about what I was doing here so-"

"Save it!" She cuts me off with a firm tone. "I really do not want to hear it. I simply did not want him to grow more worried than he already was. Now, I think you should leave as well. It is late anyway and I really do not feel like dealing with this anymore."

I nod. "Yeah. I think it should be better if I left. I'm sorry for bothering you."

She sighs. "Too late for that. But what is done is done and there is nothing we can do about it." She stands up and runs one of her hands through her hair, her eyes scanning the room. "Where is Lara?" She looks down at me as the question seems to involuntary leave her lips and her eyes widen. "Razer, where the hell did she go? She should have come a long time ago." She glares at me and huffs, opening her mouth to say something else but the sound of footsteps makes her stop.

"Sorry." Lara whispers sheepishly as she comes toward us and I can hear Aya sighing in relief. "It's just, when I came back you two seemed caught in a conversation and I really didn't want to interrupt you so I just walked to the kitchen and busied myself with making some tea. It helps... with calming down." She smiles slightly. "I just finished it so I thought you might be ready with your talk." Her gaze shifts to Aya and she bites her lower lip. "I hope that's not a problem with you."

Aya sighs and shakes her head. "No. I guess it's not." She shifts her gaze from Lara to me but only for a short moment. "Did you get any?"

Lara shrugs. "Only just started. Figured you might be done talking. Say, would you two want some? It can... ease the tension."

* * *

 _And that's it. Well, this came out longer than what I had expected but I'm not complaining._

 _I hope you liked it._

 _Well? Opinions? Advices? Comments and citicisms are welcomed but no flames please. Tell me what you think. Read and review please_


	9. Little moments

_Hey guys. Been a while since I last updated and to my defense school's been killing me, I barely managed to squeeze in moments to write. I have a little surprise for you in this chapter and I'm sure you're gonna love it. Small clue: many Razaya moments._

 _Well, enjoy it._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing cause if I have had we would have seen many Razaya kisses._

* * *

 _"Seriously, Razer, I was expecting more from you."_ I sigh as Aya's words ring in my mind. _"I do trust you! I do trust you, Razer, and maybe that you're too blind to see it but I-"_ What the hell was she going to say? What the hell did she want to say but couldn't? And why the hell could she not simply just say it? It surely wasn't all that hard, was it?

 _"You what?"_

 _"You know what? That does not even matter anymore!" Her voice was still harsh but I could easily detect hurt in her tone. She ripped herself out of my hold and tiok a step away from me. "I can't, okay?"_

I take off my jacket and fold it with slightly shaking hands, aware of the fact I'm doing it absent-mindedly, robotically. I can't say I'm functioning normally right now. Too much has happened, too many things I have to process, to analyze and everything in my head is just a messy buzz, everything is fucked up and nothing makes sense anymore.

 _"You barely aknowledge my presence but once you are in a bit of a mess you run straight to me and ask me to give you whatever you need and after you get what you want, you just walk away and then everything happens all over again." I felt my eyes widening at the pain in her voice, the sadness deep in her tone. "Do you never realize how tiring this is? How hurtful it is for me? How selfish all this is from you? You expect everybody else to do what you want, to be whatever you want them to be but what do you do in exchange?"_

I neatly place the jacket on a chair and hang my head, trying harder to forget the accusative words Aya has told me barely half an hour ago. I just can't ignore the hurt in her tone,so deep in her eyes and the pained way she has looked at me all while she spoke. She seemed so hurt, looked so heartbroken and I really don't know why. Okay, maybe I do but it's more like a guess and I don't exactly want to assume anything about her. I know she's usually so strong and refuses to show too many emotions, she's not the one to let others know what she feels, she keeps so many things to herself and tonight... everything just seemed to be getting out. It was like the dam had finally been broken and she had allowed herself some time to feel - to really feel. And everything she said... it didn't make things any easier. She was honest, she was so damn honest and told me everything she thought, everything she had been keeping bottled up inside of her for so long... for too long. She had every right to do it and I don't blame her for that. I could never blame her for that. And I can't help but feel guilty about that. I can't help but feel that I'm partially responsible for the way she reacted, for her pain. And I honestly feel like shit for that. She was right. The whole time she was so fucking right. Everything she's said was the truth, was what she was feeling.

I know that she's right... Everything she said, every single damn word was true but I just can't let myself accept it, can't let myself admit it. If I admit it, even to myself, it will become real. Well, more real than before and I... I guess I just don't want to accept that I am everything she said I am.

I never wanted to be like this anyway. And I hate the fact that I am like this. But there's kind of nothing I could do to change it, no matter how much I want to.

I let a loud sigh escape me and take off my shirt, placing it over my jacket without even bothering to fold it. It's not like it would actually matter wheter I would do it or not.

I run one of my hands over my face and groan silently. I still can see her face, so vivid, so detailed, her pained eyes, her hurt expression, the downward of her lips and the way her voice shook with every word she said... It didn't look any easy for her to say all those things. It looked difficult - really really difficul - and I did nothing to make things better for her. I just... stood there and watched her and argued with her and raised my voice at her like an idiot instead of saying something helpful, instead of comforting her. I'm such an idiot!

I collapse on my stomach onto the bed and bury my face in the pillow, clenching my eyes shut tight and gritting my teeth. This is not going to be an easy night. And I'm sure as hell that things won't get any better in the morning when I'll have to be around Aya and act like nothing has happened between us at all. Okay, not that whatever has happened between us was a good thing. I would rather not think about that. It's not an experience I would like to repeat. It's awful a d it only makes me feel worse than I already was feeling about all of this.

The best part of all this crap - if there is a good part, that is - is that Aya accepted to host Lara for a couple of days at her place so I won't have to worry about anyone finding out about her. That being said, my only problem is that I have to stay here as well and deal with the aftermath of everything that happened between me and Aya tonight, which won't be too easy considering that we seemed ready to lunge at each other's throats. Fortunately, neither one of Aya's parents are home right now and won't come until Monday because of their jobs, which gives me an advantahe as I get some time to think and come up with something out of this mess. And hopefully I will find something before they come back or I'll be dead. Literally. I honestly would not deal with the consequences of Hal finding out that I was 'alone' in his house with his daughter. I mean, he already made himself clear more than once what would happen if I would ever dare to lay a single finger on Aya... And let's just say that I am more afraid of what he could do to me than I am of my uncle finding out that I went behind his back. And that says enough.

I lift my head up of the pillow and wrinkle my nose. The lamp is on, sending a warm glow around the room but it couldn't be worse, I just feel too tired to reach over and turn it off. I feel too numb to do so and I honestly don't even care wheter the room is lit or not. I just want to sleep... possibly until all this shit it over. I sigh and make an effort, reaching over and managing to turn the lamp off, living me in almost complete darkness, except for the pale light that comes off from the moon. I bury my face back into the pillows, clenching my eyes shut tight. I really need some rest!

I groan and lift my head up again when I hear the sound of footsteps on the floor, squinting slightly at the figure walking towards me. "Razer..." My eyes widen slightly at the fatigue so obvious in her tone and I sit up, turning around so I can face her. Her eyes are unusually shiny and I can notice that even in the barely-lit up room and I realize with a start that she is so damn close to crying! She gives me a small, sad smile and sits down next to me, wiping at her eyes as she hesitantly bites down on her lower lip. "We need to talk." She states and crosses her arms over her chest.

I shake my head. "Aya-"

"No! Stop it. Stop it, Razer!" She cuts me off, her voice giving me a good clue on how things will develop: she speaks, I listen. "I was serious earlier. I was so damn serious." Her brows furrows a little as she speaks and she locks her gaze with mine. "I have grown tired of doing this, of playing this endless game and on you messing with me every fucking time." I feel my eyes widening at the fact that she cursed. "Do not give me that face! I am done with your bullshit, with your lies and with everything you do to me! I am done with you messing with my head, with my feelings and screwing with my mind."

"I- what?" I ask, slightly unsure of what I am supposed to react or to say to that. I was seriously not expecting that when she came in.

She huffs out a low, weak laugh and rolls her eyes. "Do I really have to repeat myself? Because I am quite sure that I have managed to make myself understood." She finishes off with a sigh. "You know, I have always thought that you were different. That you could easily understand other people's emotiond without having too much trouble with it. But I may have been wrong. You awfully suck at it." We both laugh at the last part.

"Am I really that bad at it?" I ask, half teasingly and half serious and she nods.

"Oh, trust me, you are." She answers with an amused smile across her lips. "And weirdly enough, I can not bring myself to blame you too much for that."

I raise an eyebrow at her words and cock my head to the side. "Meaning?"

She shrugs. "Take it whatever you are pleased with." She replies and winks at me.

"You're awful." I mumble.

"I know." She smirks and straightens up her back a little bit. "And I embrace it." We laugh again at her statement before her expression becomes dead serious once again and she moves a little closer to me. "But that is not the point."

"Then what's the point?" I ask teasingly, giving her an innocent smile.

She rolls her eyes and huffs, both gestures unsurprisingly cute. "The point is..." she gives me a pointed look before continuing. "I have comes here to talk and I believe that I do deserve some explanations." She takes in a small breath. "Saint Walker told me everything, Razer." I gulp and lower my eyes a little big, biting on the inside of my lower lip.

"What did he tell you?" I ask quietly and lift my gaze to meet hers, silently praying in my head that her brother didn't tell her what I confessed to him a while ago...

She shifts slightly on the bed as her eyes dart across my chest - my bare chest for that matter - before moving to my left arm... to my forearm, to be more exactly. "He said he recognized the signs... I did, too. But I believe I did not want to aknowledge it, I did not want to admit it was true. I knew what was happening but I refused to admit it." She shakes her head as she finishes, her voices cracking at the end of her speech.

"I..." My brow furrows slightly. "I don't understand. What do you mean? What are you talking about?"

She lets out a soft sigh and reaches over, taking hold of the back of my left hand and pulling it towards her. "This is what I am talking about." She answers, her gaze falling on my wrist... where my cuts stand out 'proudly' and are visible even in the almost non-existent light from the room. Shit! Of course! Of course she had to know! Of course she had to figure it out! "Why?" She asks softly, her voice so full of concern.

I huff and try to pull my hand out of hers only for her to tighten her grip on me. "Does it really matter to you?" I mumble and roll my eyes. "It's no big deal."

"No big deal?!" She almost grows, her hold tightening to the point that her knuckles turn white. "I tend to correct you, Razer. It is indeed a big deal. How could you do this to yourself? Why would you ever do this to yourself?" She gently starts tracing one of the cuts with her index finger, making me hiss silently as slight pain is instantly shot up my arm. Yep. Surely not healed yet.

"It's not important." I mutter. Her gaze lifts back to mine, her deep blue eyes sparkling in the moonlight as she seems to be looking straight into my soul. "It's just... it's stupid."

She scoffs. "Yes. It is an incredibly stupid thing to do and I was honestly not expecting you to be dumb enough to try it." My eyes widen at her words and I open my mouth to respond but she doesn't give me the chance to. "You get fed up with life, with everything that happens to you. You cut yourself to relieve the pain, the stress, all the bottled up emotions. And then, what? This crap only lasts for a couple of minutes and then what happens? You realize you can not get rid of your pain by doing this. But then you do it again. Over and over again. Time and time again, you hurt yourself, worse each time until one day when you feel like you just can't take it anymore. So what do you do then? You cut in deeper and deeper until you are satisfied and risk your own life? Give up on everything you have, everything you are only for a few minutes of 'release'? A 'release' that can destroy you? That is slowly killing you?" Tears start shining in the corners of her eyes and she shakes her head, the corners of her lips curving downward into a small frown.

I turn my gaze away from her and slump my shoulders. "I-I wasn't going to-"

"It all takes just one event to make you reconsider that." She cuts me off with a firm voice. "One event and you are dead. Literally. Tell me, is this how you want to end up? In a coffin because of your own stupidity?"

One event... Pretty close. It all requires one event... What about years lived in misery, beatings and remorse? Does it count as one big event that led to me doing this? I bite the inside of my cheek, barely managing to hold myself back from yelling those words in her face. "Aya, I'm not going to... I would never... I-" I sigh and trail off, unable to continue, and run my free hand through my hair.

"Do you have even the tiniest idea about how dangerous this is? Or how stupid? She asks, probably purposelly ignoring what I was trying to say. "People have died because of this. Or have barely managed to survive due to a last moment help, someone finding them just in time."

I barely regist her last sentence as a thought - a really shocking one really - occurrs to me. "You seem to know a lot about this. Speaking from experience?" I blurt out involuntarily, absentmindedly glancing down at her wrists and checking for any kind of tell-tale marks. I hear her breath hitch in her throat before I feel a stinging pain in my cheek. What...? I look at her in shock, her eyes hurt and her expression fierce and I finally realize what just happened... "What the hell? Why did you slap me for?" I ask through gritted teeth.

"You are such an asshole!" She replies and clenches her eyes shut, silent tears sliding down her cheeks. "I was only trying to help you but it seems that you are too much of an insensitive jerk to realize how your words hurt other people!" Her eyes open again and she wipes her tears away, retracting her hands from me and stopping any contact between us. What happened to her? I wasn't even serious, it was just a joke attempt...

"I didn't mean that. I was just-"

"Just acting like a total dick. Okay, no problem. I got it." She mumbles and turns her head away from me. "And I was not talking about myself, by the way. I was talking about my brother." She turns her back to me and starts to get down from the bed but I reach over and catch her wrist, stopping her movements. She glances over her shoulder at me and huffs. "What now? Or have you not hurt me enough already?"

I swallow hard at the pain obvious in her voice and tighten my grip on her wrist a little. "I'm sorry. I was an idiot to say something like that and assume that you..." I shake my head slightly and trail off, searching for the right words. "I'm sorry. Please... don't go."

Aya sighs and resumes her position in front of me and I slowly and reluctantly release her wrist. "Alright. But this does not change the fact that you were a dick." She gives me a pointed look and I rub the back of my neck awkwardly.

"Sorry. It's just... you were talking so determinately about _that_ and I guess I just didn't know what to make of it."

"It is alright. I..." She shifts her gaze to the side and nibbles absentmindedly at her lower lip. "I just can not stand the thought of anybody else going through that." She whispers and lowers her eyes, her voice cracking a little.

"What happened?" I ask curiously and take hold of both her hands.

She bites her lower lip and shuffles closer to me. "It happened barely half an year ago. He nearly died. None of us parents were home, they were out of the city with their respective jobs for a few days and they both trusted us that we would be okay by ourselves. They thought we could handle it, considered we were mature enough not to do anything stupid. I knew what he was doing... I had caught him one day, months before that but he had asked me not to tell our parents, promised that he was going to be careful not to do too much damange. I had known the risks... but I had not acted. So I let him do it. He managed to hide it well. But it was like a drug... He would usually only do it once or twice a week but I did notice it happening more often. I thought he was going to stop. I was hoping he would. As it turned out, that was not the case. When that occurred... in was night. I was in my room, listening to music and practically not caring about anything else. I had had this strange feeling that something was not quite right but I just kept ignoring it. Boy, was I wrong to do so! At some point I felt like something was really off so I decided to check up on him. I was shocked to see him like that... he was in his bathroom, in front of the mirror with blood all over his forearm and on the floor and in the sink and a blade in his hand. His eyes were dull, he was so pale, he had cut in too deep, had lost a lot of blood and... he looked like he might faint any moment. I... At first I thought it was some sort of a bad joke but it was real... I was so scared... I thought I would lose him." She wipes at her eyes and makes a small pause, looking at me with this big, teary eyes. "Fortunately I found him in time. But if I was a few minutes late..." She shakes her head and trails off and I wrap my arms around her, pulling her to my chest and resting my chin on the top of her head.

"Shhh..." I whisper when I feel her starting to tremble against me. "I'm sorry to hear that." I murmur and gently rub her back in an attempt to comfort her.

"I told you about that with a reason, Razer." She says and lifts her head, smiling sadly at me. "I can not stand the thought of anybody else going through that." She repeats with a sigh. "I... I can not stand the thought of you going through that." She whispers somehow hesitantly.

I shake my head and place my her shoulders, pulling her back a little and my brow furrows. "Why? Why would you care if that happened to me? How and why would that affect you?" I swallow and lower my eyes from hers, my gaze falling on her lips. "Why would matter to you if anything bad happened to me?" I ask, this time a little softer.

"Because I care about you, you idiot!" She snaps, practically yelling the words in my face, her breathing quickening slightly and I feel my eyes widening in... shock? "I care about you." She repeats almost hesitantly and bites her lower lip. "And... and there is kindess within you. There is something good and beautiful and amazing within you and I want to pull it out, to see it, to set it free. But I can not do that if you do not let me, I will not be able to do that unless you allow me to get close to you. Please, Razer, do not shut me out. I know you you may not realize it but... but I really care about you. I know I was not supposed to feel anything like that but I-"

"Wait, what do you mean by that?" I ask though I'm not sure wheter she heard me or not.

"And yet here I am, trying to make sense of something in all this mess when I am aware that nothing makes sense anymore and I... I am so damn confused by everything that has been happening to me since I met you because everything in my head is no more than a buzzy mess." Her breath hitches in her throat and her eyes widen slightly and the terrified way she looks at me makes me believe she wishes she had not said all that.

"Was that a confession?" I mumble the first thing that comes to mind and wince a little when she hangs her head.

"Maybe..." She whispers, her voice barely auditible and I can detect a slight shyness in her tone.

I can't help the small smile that takes hold of my lips at how innocently cute she is and I dip my index finger beneath her chin, lifting her face back up to look at me. "Okay. I was just making sure."

"Making sure of what?" She raises an eyebrow and I hold back a laugh at the obvious confusion in her voice.

"That it was okay to do this." I tangle one of my hands through her hair while resting the other on her hip as I bend down and press my lips against hers, kissing her softly. I feel her body tensing against mine before she relaxes and almost hesitantly wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me closer to her. I slowly move my hand from her hip to her waist and tilt my head slightly to the side, trying not to rush into anything. Her lips are so sweet and soft, her taste intoxicating, her sweet, mint scent invades my nostrils and gives me a dizzy, pleasant-sort of feeling and the warmth radiating from her body makes me want to hold her as close to me as possible.

I tug at her lower lip with my teeth for one short moment before breaking away from her lips... with much reluctance. Aya's eyes flutter open and her cheeks turn a - unsurprisingly cute - shade of pink and a small, almost shy smile spreads across her lips and she sighs, resting her forehead against mine shoulder. "I honestly have not seen _that_ as an likely outcome of this night." She mumbles and tightens her arms around me.

I lean my head against hers and rest both my hands on her waist. "I know."

"You drive me crazy." She sighs and I swear I heard a smirk creeping over her lips at that.

"I know that too." I reply and chuckle.

"But weirdly enough I sort of like it."

"I know-" I cut myself off once I realize what she's just said and she snorts. "Now that's something I didn't see coming."

"That I know." She sniggers.

"Then we're even." We both laugh and I kiss her temple. I lower us down on the bed, lying on my back as Aya shifts a little and rests her hand on my chest, her head still on my shoulder. "I'm sorry." I blurt out involuntarily and place my hand over hers from my chest.

"What are you sorry for?"

I shrug slightly. "For dragging you into my mess."

"I guess I brought it over myself the day I met you." She laces our fingers together and I brush my thumb over hers. "But, a little danger can be exciting, don't you think?" She teases and I turn my head to look at her.

"Maybe." I agree and chuckle.

"Only maybe?"

I raise an eyebrow. "What else did you want me to say?"

"I am not too sure." She admits and shrugs.

I roll onto my side to face her better and kiss her forehead. "You're just teasing me."

"Mhm... maybe." She smirks and I roll my eyes. "Can you blame me though?"

"No, not really."

"My point exactly." She winks at me and before I have the chance to register what is happening, she presses her lips against mine. I make a pleased sound - something that is somewhere between a purr and a moan - and I return the kiss eagerly only for her to pull back a few seconds later.

I sigh and rub my nose against hers, bringing one of my hands up to her face and tucking a few rebellious stray bangs behind her ear. "You know, I think this is the most normal conversation we've ever had." I chuckle.

"I guess." She answers with a short laugh. "And it must be one of the few times when we do not argue."

I shrug. "We don't agrue that much."

She rolls her eyes and smirks. "How long has it been since our last fight?"

"Okay, maybe we do argue a lot." I admit and twist a strand if her hair around my index finger. "However, I guess it's just how whatever is between us works."

The corners of her lips quirk upward into a small smile. "I guess." She snuggles deeper against me and looks up at me with her deep blue eyes that seem to shine, a soft little sigh escaping her and she slowly brushes her thumb against mine. "I like this better." She whispers sleepily and I look down at her, a small smirk pulling at the corners of my lips.

"So do I." I answer and place a quick kiss on the top of her head. A soft giggle escapes her and she closes her eyes, a relaxed expression on her face. I close my eyes as well and feel a small smile taking hold of my lips, a cozy, pleasant feeling flooding me. It has been such a long time since I had last felt this good, this comfortable. My proplems seem like nothing important compared to this, all I care about right now is to cherish this moment. At least for one night, I can let go of my problems and allow myself to relax. I'm not implied in nothing illegal, I'm not here hiding someone from my uncle; I'm just a normal boy and I'm sharing a bed with the girl I'm crazy about. That can't be all that hard for me to do, can it?

* * *

My eyes flutter open and I blink fast, trying to clear my sleep blurred vision though the only thing in my mind is to just keep sleeping. Sighing, I close my eyes again and huddle up in the bed and inhale, a familiar mint scent filling my nostrils. Wait... what?! My eyes snap open and this time I do focus on my surroundings. I feel my breath catching in my throat as my gaze lands on Aya's sleeping form cuddled up against me, her back pressed against my chest and my arms wrapped tight around her. Memories from last night start coming back to me and I let out a half relieved breath at the fact that what happened last night hadn't been only my imagination.

Aya makes a small sound in her sleep and turns around in my arms, a relaxed expression on her face and her silvery blonde hair practically glowing and making her look angelic. I kiss her forehead and pull her even closer to me, enjoying the warmth her body has to offer.

She stirrs a little and a small little noise escapes her as she buries her face in the crook of her neck, her breath curling hot against my flesh and making goosebumps raise on my skin. I lift one of my hands up and brush her hair out of her face, gently tucking the soft strands behind her ears and she makes another small noise that would closely resemble a moan. I can't help but smile a little at that and I twist a curl of her hair around my index finger as I place a soft little kiss on her temple. I watch as a small smile takes hold of her lips and her eyes flutter open, her smile growing when she looks up at me.

"Morning, Aya." I whisper and continue playing with her hair.

"Morning." She whispers back and huddles herself up against me, her arms circling my neck as she nuzzles her nose against mine. "Razer, I... I want to ask you something."

I swallow down hard at when I hear the seriousness in her tone and see the way her expression becomes a solemn one, her smile being replaced with a small frown. "Sure." I manage. "What is it?"

"I..." She bites her lower lip hesitantly before taking a deep breath, her eyes shinign with determination. "I want to know something. I do not want to make you think I am one of those clingy girls that questions everything but I seriously need to know what is going on between us. I can not do this without knowing what exactly is that we have. I need to know it for my sanity."

I sigh and curl my fingers through her soft hair, a tiny ounce of uncertainity dwelling in the pit of my stomach. Just what exactly is she to me? What do we have together? I can't deny the attraction I feel for her or the way she can so easily make me smile every time I see her and I know that without her here I would'd be able to go another day but I'm exactly sure what's going on between us.

"I don't know." I admit truthfully after a few seconds of silence. Why would I lie to the only person who has treated me like a human being when I can simply just tell her the truth and hope for the best?

"Neither do I." She whispers in a low voice and looks at me with her innocent, deep blue eyes. "Do you think I am clingy for asking such a question?"

I shake my head. "No. Do you hate me for not having a proper answer for your question?"

She huffs put a soft, heart-warming laugh and playfully shoves at my chest. "Of course not." She gives me one of her sweet smiles though I can detect a slight pain deep in her eyes. "I just-"

"I really like you." I blurt out almost involuntarily, cutting her off and it takes me less than a second to realize what I've just confessed.

"You... you what?" Her eyes widen minutely as they dart all over my face and I feel my cheeks starting to heat up.

"I... I'm sorry. It's just... I mean, you're great and I..." Great! Not only do I speak without even thinking but now I'm unable of forming one coherent sentence!

Shaking her head, Aya laughs again and leans up, pressing her lips against mine in a soft kiss, making me let out a low gasp of surprise. "You talk too much." She whispers and tugs at my lower lip with her teeth before pulling away and grinning up at me.

"Aya?" I ask, slightly uncertain about what's going on.

"I care about you, okay? I really do and I... I can't help the feeling I get every time I am around you." She bites her lower lip and lowers her eyes coyly. I lift my one of my hands up and cup the side of her face in my palm, brushing my thumb over her cheek.

"I... never knew."

She gives me an unimpressed look and sighs. "I kissed you and I allowed you to share a bed with me, not to talk about making you small favors since meeting you. I would say my behaviour was a give away of my... feelings for you."

I nod slightly and place a soft kiss on her lips. "Well, if you put it that way..." She laughs and leans up, pressing her lips against mine in a passionate kiss, letting out a low moan into my mouth and I growl silently, rolling us over so that I am on top of her. She gasps and cups the side of my face in her palm, her other hand moving across my chest down to my abdomen and I can't help but moan into her mouth when I feel her drawing small patterns over my skin. I glide one of my hands beneath her pajama top, her skin hot beneath my touch and she moans, slowly running her fingers through my hair. I tug at her lower lip with my teeth for one short moment, causing a small moan to escape her before I break the kiss and nuzzle my nose against hers, fighting to regain my breath. Her eyes flutter open, her face radiant and a small smile forming across her lips as her blue gaze locks with mine.

"So, our thing..." She starts, her cheeks turning a cute pink. I raise an eyebrow at her as she bites one the inside of her cheek. "Is it okay with you if we keep it a secret for a while? From everybody? I need some time to see where this is going and to sort things out before we say anything." She shifts her eyes to the side and her nose wrinkles cutely.

"Sure. Whatever you want." I reply after a few moments and peck her cheek.

"Wait, what? Really?" Her gaze meets mine again, her brow furrowing slightly.

I shrug lightly. "Yeah. It's no hurry to announce... our thing and with everything going on right now... Take your time."

Her arms go around my neck and she places a soft kiss on my cheek, hugging me tightly. "Thank you, Razer."

I feel a slight smile taking hold of my lips. "You are welcome, Aya."

* * *

 _And this is it. I hope you liked it._

 _Well? Opinions? Advices? Comments and criticisms are welcomed but no flames please. Tell me what you think. R &R_


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